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Ollie46

Feels like the end

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This post has so much going on behind it I’m not even sure where to start. A few weeks ago I was doing pretty good, but now I’m at my lowest low. My sexual obsessions surrounding pedophilia and groinal responses are just non-stop. I feel like too much has happened, there’s been too many situations that have triggered me that it must be real. Inside I know it’s not- it’s like I can see it happening in front of me but I can’t stop it. I can see that the fact that I just can’t stop ruminating and I can’t just say ‘so what’ is leading me down this path to just getting worse and worse. I can’t not engage with it, I have to,  because there’s now so many events in the back of my mind that are causing me so much anxiety that I feel like I can’t ignore it. It’s destroying everything- when I with friends, it’s always in the back of my head, and it makes me feel depressed. It’s like a voice going ‘your a pedophile and you’re deceiving these people who love and trust you.’ I want so desperately to not be one, but my mind is on this awful loop 24/7 and it’s like I can’t turn it off. I was doing so damn well with this setback and now it’s like I’ve been setback within the setback! This is easily the worst I’ve ever felt with the disorder.

I think it’s because I’ve had a lot of stress, particularly this last week, with changing jobs. I got a really exciting opportunity and decided to take it. And I want to enjoy it so bad! But OCD is always in the way! And now, today, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and it’s upsetting me something dreadful. I feel so depressed all the time, I feel like there’s no escape, the thoughts won’t stop and the fear that I enjoy them secretly is always there. I feel like I’ll just never come back from here.

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So sorry you're going through such a hard time. I know it feels terrible to go through setbacks, but know that things can turn pretty quickly back in the other direction once you put the right things in place. What are you doing to deal with the ocd and depression? are you working with a book? seeing a therapist? taking medication?

You say you were doing well a few weeks ago and now you suspect that the added stress may be contributing to you feeling worse. That's a good insight. Stress can be so hard on the ocd thoughts. Having a new job is stressful even if you are excited about it, as you know. Can that insight help you to see that this setback can be just temporarily very difficult while you adjust to your new job? Are there other things you can put in place to help you deal with the stress in the meantime?

I know this is very hard (I had a terrible relapse a few years ago and know how hopeless things can feel) but know that there really is hope to get over this!

 

 

 

 

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Stress is clearly something we need to manage, but sadly in todays world we cannot avoid. I am in the middle of a relapse as a result of the anxiety created by my fathers illness and then sudden death 8 weeks ago, as if loosing him was not enough my old OCD intrusive thoughts flooded back. If I learn a lesson from this experience it is to regularly use the tools therapy give you even when you think you are better, and you are then better prepared to deal with the stresses and the techniques learned will help. Sadly I can write this down and sound logical but I struggle with walking the talk myself , I feel for you Ollie, and hope you are seeking help with this challenge.

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Hi Ollie

Sorry you're having a tough time :weep:

What do you think you might be doing that's helping to keep this loop so strong?  There will be something.  Are you pushing the thoughts away?  Do you find yourself thinking phrases like "Stop it", "Please make this go away",  "I can't stand this" or "I'd never do that", "I'm not that sort of guy"?

Chances are, even though you might not be engaging with or ruminating about the intrusive thought itself we often slip into things like thought avoidance, thought neutralizing or repetitive, pleading statements.  You probably are entering into the conversation and desperately trying to push thought away.  This has the same effect as ruminating about the obsession.  Do you think you may be doing this?

Watch out for yourself doing this, recognise when it happens, know that this is part of the same pattern and work hard to nip those negative phrases in the bud.  Refuse to continue the conversation with yourself, the pleading with yourself.  I know it's hard but repeated attempts will pay off if you recognise what you're doing

:)

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We're hoping to set up a support group in Bristol - probably South Gloucestershire side. Would you come along and participate? Or even help run it? My son suffers from intrusive thoughts predominantly sexual and I know it will help him to meet with others who have the same. Knowing you're not alone helps I think.

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Thanks for the amazing response guys! Throughout the day I’ve managed to calm down a bit and feel a little better. The problem is, I can absolutely see where I’m failing. I engage in compulsions ALL the time, I’m always trying to figure it out or push it away or reason with it... and I know I shouldn’t because it gets you nowhere. And I don’t know why I just am finding it so hard. I did the therapy and it worked, for years it worked. But now it’s like I’m just not capable anymore- even though I know I am. I’m being extra strict on myself from here on out because I’ve been slipping into compulsions very subtly. They’re extremely sneaky, I’ve found. So any time something happens that sets me off, I’ll work on letting it be. I won’t avoid and I won’t engage in internal chatter with myself. I want to get back to where I was so badly and I know I can do it! Just need to apply the principles properly.

Annie, if you want to message me details or anything at some point, I’d like to get involved if I can! My job doesn’t allow for sociable hours very much but I’ll see if I can manage something! 

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23 hours ago, Ollie46 said:

I want to get back to where I was so badly and I know I can do it! Just need to apply the principles properly.

Yes that's great Ollie...when you know the principles you need to apply and have done so in the past and it's worked that should give you the extra confidence in the process.

I know that helped me during my relapse...and is helpful now again when going through a bit of a setback.

It's remembering the process and getting back to it!

Nice to hear you feeling more positive!

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Thanks Leif,

I’m fighting very hard at the moment at doing the steps of relabelling, reattributing and refocusing when I experience an OCD thought or moment. The last couple days have been extraordinarily difficult at times but I am definitely finding it easier. The urge to do compulsions after something sets me off is so strong, but I have enacted a policy upon myself where I allow a maximum of 5 minutes of compulsions if something happens and then after that, I immediately relabel it as OCD and get on with my day as normal. It seems to be working rather well, just have to work on not slipping back into trying to ‘figure it out’ and just leave it be. It’s tough but I’m doing it.

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8 hours ago, Ollie46 said:

where I allow a maximum of 5 minutes of compulsions

Maybe make a delay of 5 mins after the obsessions and then only allow yourself 5 mins of compulsions after that delay.

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On 14/02/2019 at 01:58, Annie Jordan said:

We're hoping to set up a support group in Bristol - probably South Gloucestershire side. Would you come along and participate? Or even help run it? My son suffers from intrusive thoughts predominantly sexual and I know it will help him to meet with others who have the same. Knowing you're not alone helps I think.

Hi if the group dose get up and running would it be possible to let me know details many thanks

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