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OCD affecting my writing


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I get fixated on rules and feel anxious and guilty if I don’t meet them. Like needing to exercise a certain amount of time. When I was at uni I made myself do at least 3 hours’s reading a day and timed it obsessively.

Lately I’m doing more writing. Where I think the OCD is coming in as if I can’t think of an idea I start writing anyway and it ends up rubbish, or I write something else. I’ve recently bought a smart notebook with the idea of brainstorming and plotting stories but I feel anxious and guilty when I’m doing that and not actually writing because I feel I need to do a certain amount of actual writing or I won’t get anywhere. I’m trying to brainstorm now but it feels like wasted time as I keep stopping to think and if feels like it doesn’t count as writing and so I feel guilty.

How can I get over this?

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Hi Kaheath, that sounds very frustrating.  Two different things I'll comment on.
 

14 hours ago, kaheath80 said:

I get fixated on rules and feel anxious and guilty if I don’t meet them.

The best thing you can do for overcoming OCD is to break these rules and ride out the anxiety.  If you feel like you have to exercise 30 minutes exactly every day or else you'll feel guilty, well then you should excercise some other amount of time on purpose.  25 minutes.  27 minutes.  Do it a different amount each day is even better so you don't develop a new rule.  At first it will be difficult but if you do this your brain will stop associating the time with being important, the fake rule that OCD has created for you will lose its power.  Its like stopping a bad habit such as smoking.  If you don't do the bad habit (smoke or follow the strict rule) then it becomes weaker and weaker.  This is a form of ERP basically.
 

14 hours ago, kaheath80 said:

but I feel anxious and guilty when I’m doing that and not actually writing because I feel I need to do a certain amount of actual writing or I won’t get anywhere. I’m trying to brainstorm now but it feels like wasted time as I keep stopping to think and if feels like it doesn’t count as writing and so I feel guilty.

Again the goal here is to stop following strict rules and push through the initial anxiety.  So for that see my answer above.  Remember, the rules you are trying to follow aren't real rules!  Writing is a creative process and everyone does it differently.  Thinking, brainstorming, actual writing you keep, writing you try but don't end up liking, it all helps you in the creative process.  While some writers find it helpful to set aside a specific amount of time each day to make sure they practice (like musicians, painters, etc.) if you are getting this much anxiety from the "rules" then its not helping you.  So its ok to set aside, say an hour each day to work on your writing, but you need to be ok that its not EXACTLY 60 minutes of putting words down on paper. It can include some thinking time, it can include brainstorming, the goal is to not be so strict.  For some people following strict rules may be helpful, but as someone with OCD following those rules so strictly is not helpful, its a compulsion.

I hope you will keep writing if you enjoy writing and want to be a writer, but its also important that you work on tackling the OCD and pushing back against the demands it makes you feel to follow these rules so strictly.  

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:goodpost: Dksea. Its all about how we react to intrusions and rules, and they will only be maintained if we connect with them, give them belief.

Taking on the short-term pain (the anxiety) for the long-term gain (no anxiety) is massively worthwhile, as I well know myself. 

Roy 

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Thanks to both of you! Getting over my rules is the biggest thing I struggle with. I just don’t get how people live without timing and measuring things, and I feel like certain things need to apply to ‘count’. So if I’m not actually writing, it feels like it doesn’t count. If we have sex and one of us doesn’t have an orgasm, it doesn’t count. Stuff like that.

I’ll try and push past it. I’m better with my OCD in many ways but these rules are affecting my marriage, my work and my hobbies, so I need to try and get over them, I know.

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Oh my goodness, I can totally relate. I get OCD over my writing too; I like to write poetry and prose and often get struck by the content of what I'm writing, thinking 'this isn't allowed, it's forbidden by my religion' and it's put me through some tough times because I had a crisis of confidence, wondering what was truly right. I often obsess over ideas thinking 'How would this work? How would this character go from A to B? Is this in character? Is this a true idea or is this a compulsion? How does this make me feel?' and focus very hard, like a pencil pressing against the page with more strength and pressure than is necessary. It can turn my writing ideas into compulsions and it's hard to know what's a compulsion and what's a genuine idea and because of my doubt, and my need to carefully control my words, the idea often goes kaput because I don't know if it's right or wrong. If I don't write the story a certain way, or not a certain way, I feel bad - one way or the other! :p

I guess all we can do is feel the fear and do it anyway. I bet you're a brilliant writer and OCD tends to jump on the things we love most. I feel so stupid about my fears but as someone else said: 'It's not silly if it bothers you.' I hope you can find a way to push through the barrier; I find sometimes we just have to make a leap over the bank and it's so much better on the other side.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk some more.

C x

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I totally get what you mean about certain things needing to apply for something to 'count', I'm the same!

With the writing, could it be that you're taking a too literal approach to the word 'writing'? Brainstorming, plotting and thinking, to my mind, all come under the writing process. (I say to my mind, but I'd think differently if it was me doing the writing!) 

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On 17/02/2019 at 03:42, kaheath80 said:

I just don’t get how people live without timing and measuring things, and I feel like certain things need to apply to ‘count’. So if I’m not actually writing, it feels like it doesn’t count. If we have sex and one of us doesn’t have an orgasm, it doesn’t count. Stuff like that.

It can be a bit difficult to relate when our brains seem to operate so differently!  The simplest answer is that for people without OCD (and for those of us with OCD, but not about a topic at hand) that feeling of things "counting" just comes easier.  One of the main reasons compulsions develop is the OCD sufferers desire to get that "OK, you can move on" feeling that the brain is withholding for some reason.  The "rules" are still there, its just that the requirements to meet those rules are so much more relaxed.  Other people have been given a 100 question quiz and told they need to get 10 questions correct.  OCD sufferers have been given a 100 question quiz and think they need to get 200 correct.

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Thanks both. Yes you’re probably right, Lost. I’ve just had my story rejected by yet another publication so I’m not feeling very confident with my writing right now anyway. It made through to the final stage, apparently. Which I know is positive but I’m sick of almost making it and it makes me think maybe I’m just not good enough to ever have anything published.

dksea, yes that sounds familiar! I read a guideline and I can’t take it as a guideline it becomes a fixed rule and if I don’t meet it then something bad will happen or it means something bad.

 

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3 hours ago, kaheath80 said:

I read a guideline and I can’t take it as a guideline it becomes a fixed rule and if I don’t meet it then something bad will happen or it means something bad.

That sounds incredibly frustrating!  The way forward is relatively simple, but by no means easy.  Time to start breaking the rules!  

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