Is this OCD? Channel 4 programme Pure made me realise I might have it

[IntrusiveThoughts]

I'm a long-time sufferer with anxiety and depression.

After watching the tv programme Pure, it clicked for me that my intrusive thoughts may be OCD, and some disturbing thoughts I've had may count as intrusive. I would like to hear from other sufferers if it sounds like my symptoms are OCD, as a preliminary step before going to a doctor. I'm hoping to get inspired by how you describe symptoms so I can explain myself better. 

Here are the symptoms I think could be OCD.

• The most disturbing thought - sexual thoughts about family members. I am not attracted to my family. This is something that I have had a deep shame about and didn't understand, until I saw Pure, and then it clicked that it may count as an intrusive thought. I feel disgusted when I have these thoughts. It is not very often but when it happens it's distressing for me. TV and film where incest are themes end up triggering the thoughts, and I have tried to look into myself to work out why I have these thoughts. This is the only thing I have never talked to my psychotherapist about. During my childhood my family did and said just slightly not-ok things with regards to sexuality, like making inappropriately sexualised compliments - I wonder if this has something to do with it?
•  
• Visual thoughts of self harm or suicide that come out of nowhere. I have been suicidal in the past, but I am not now, and have self harmed a handful of times in the past - nothing within the last 2 years though. Yet the thoughts still come, sometimes several times a day, sometimes not for weeks.
•  
• 'I hate you'. A self loathing phrase that comes up vividly a few times a day. I'm not sure if this is genuine self loathing or simply an intrusive thought. It does distress me and I try to figure out why. I reckon it comes up when I am mulling over something and didn't act perfectly, even if what I did was still acceptable; I get a feeling of shame for my actions. So perhaps I hate myself for not being perfect?
•  
• Phone games - not sure if this is an addiction, or if it could count as a compulsion. I do it in almost a ritualistic way before bed - there are 3 games played in a specific order, though from time to time I change it. It helps stop me from thinking so it helps me wind down enough to sleep. It normally is for 45-60 mins. A while back I had trouble sleeping but once I started doing this to fully tire myself out before sleep, I could get to sleep better. This was 18 months ago, and I have not succeeded in not doing it before sleep once. Recently I have noticed that I still feel anxious most of the time while I am playing the games. 
•  
• I have kept loads of old sentimental cards, a small hoard of jars (which I use for crafts), and a shelf of magazines (some I re-read on occasion). Some of the magazines I have kept because I'd like to do collage work with them, but I hardly ever collage. I'm not sure if this counts as a hoarding symptom - I'm keeping all this stuff just-in-case. The cards - I don't know how to let go of them, but since I have plenty of space for them I'm not sure if it's a real issue. I really don't like waste, and I try to reuse, recycle, or give away stuff. 
•  
• After socialising, I get flashes of memories about tiny moments where people reacted to me in a way I didn't understand, or if they were cold. I pick apart what I may have said or done to make them react badly to me. It keeps coming up even though I try to let go of it. The 'I hate you' thought often comes up in relation to this.
•  
• I spend A LOT of time doing self work. I'm not sure if this is bordering on the obsessional. My mother is a little emotionally abusive and I don't want to be like her, so I'm doing everything I can to not be.

Here's my doubts about whether I have it.

• Not sure if it's bad enough. It's not all that often that I have a VERY disturbing thought. I'm used to having self harm thoughts daily during bad times, but they don't disturb me any more because I'm used to it. 
• What's the difference between self harming/suicidal thoughts and the same thoughts being intrusive? At times I have wanted to act on the thoughts, other times I have just accepted them as intrusive thoughts that I don't really want to act on.
• I'm messy. It only annoys me if things are very disordered.
• Not sure if I have any compulsions, if phone games aren't a compulsion for me. I'm not sure what counts as a compulsion. 

 

Maybe there are other symptoms that count as OCD that I have, and maybe I'll discover other doubts too... this is where I am with this exploration so far.

[felix4]

5 minutes ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I would like to hear from other sufferers if it sounds like my symptoms are OCD, as a preliminary step before going to a doctor.

Hi IntrusiveThoughts & welcome, 

The symptoms that you describe do sound like OCD, but you need someone in the medical profession to give an official diagnosis, so yeah, certainly discuss it with your doctor.

Prior to diagnosis, I too had a history of anxiety & depression, but I think an element of diagnosis will be how much it is impacting on your life.

All the best.

 

[Andrea]

Hi IntrusiveThoughts,

I agree with felix4, the symptoms you describe do sound like OCD but you need to see a doctor to have an official diagnosis.

Edited February 16, 2019 by Andrea

[dksea]

Hi IT, welcome to the forums.  I'm sorry that you are dealing with difficulties, but I hope you will find things here helpful for you.  I was diagnosed with OCD about 25 years ago and many of the things you describe I can relate too.  It wouldn't surprise me at all, based on your description, if you also had OCD.  I think discussing it with your doctor is a very good plan.  There are some resources on the OCD-UK site that can help with that, guides and advice.  Some people find it helpful to write things down before hand, since in the moment it can be a little emotional and anxiety can make it more difficult to say what you plan to or want to.  It need not be a detailed report, even a simple list with some bullet points to help keep your thoughts organized.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on some of the things you mention
 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

The most disturbing thought - sexual thoughts about family members. I am not attracted to my family. This is something that I have had a deep shame about and didn't understand, until I saw Pure, and then it clicked that it may count as an intrusive thought. I feel disgusted when I have these thoughts.

I had some of these kind of thoughts when I first developed OCD.  I also felt a lot of shame and anxiety over them, I felt so guilty when I finally talked to my mom about it (and some of my other intrusive thoughts).  You are definitely not alone in having these kind of intrusive thoughts, may OCD sufferers struggle with thoughts related to sexuality, whether its incest, or orientation, or purity, its an easy area for anxiety to latch on to.
 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

Visual thoughts of self harm or suicide that come out of nowhere. I have been suicidal in the past, but I am not now, and have self harmed a handful of times in the past - nothing within the last 2 years though. Yet the thoughts still come, sometimes several times a day, sometimes not for weeks.

I went through a period where I had some very disturbing intrusive thoughts about self-harm as well.  Unfortunately its also not an uncommon anxiety. In particular is the difficulty trying to recognize the difference between having a thought ABOUT something and having a genuine desire to do something.  I was afraid the former meant the later and that lead to a lot of anxiety for me at the time.
 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

Phone games - not sure if this is an addiction, or if it could count as a compulsion. I do it in almost a ritualistic way before bed - there are 3 games played in a specific order, though from time to time I change it. It helps stop me from thinking so it helps me wind down enough to sleep. It normally is for 45-60 mins. A while back I had trouble sleeping but once I started doing this to fully tire myself out before sleep, I could get to sleep better. This was 18 months ago, and I have not succeeded in not doing it before sleep once. Recently I have noticed that I still feel anxious most of the time while I am playing the games.

This could be an OCD related behavior.  While its not uncommon for people to have routines before sleep, including behaviors to help them wind down, that you feel like they must be played in a specific order and can't seem to sleep without doing them is a bit of a red flag.  Regardless of whether its directly related to OCD or not this is something a therapist/psychologist could help you with.  Certainly its the type of behavioral problem that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT, which is the primary treatment approach for OCD) can help with.  You might also benefit from learning some relaxation and mindful meditation techniques to help you with your sleep.
 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I have kept loads of old sentimental cards, a small hoard of jars (which I use for crafts), and a shelf of magazines (some I re-read on occasion). Some of the magazines I have kept because I'd like to do collage work with them, but I hardly ever collage. I'm not sure if this counts as a hoarding symptom - I'm keeping all this stuff just-in-case. The cards - I don't know how to let go of them, but since I have plenty of space for them I'm not sure if it's a real issue. I really don't like waste, and I try to reuse, recycle, or give away stuff. 

It's not particularly uncommon for people to hang on to old items for sentimental reasons.  Many people keep boxes of old cards, photos, etc. around.  So long as its not causing you anxiety or becoming a space problem it doesn't sound like its necessarily a hoarding issue based on your description.  But you could always raise the issue with your therapist or doctor if you think it might be problematic.

 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

After socialising, I get flashes of memories about tiny moments where people reacted to me in a way I didn't understand, or if they were cold. I pick apart what I may have said or done to make them react badly to me. It keeps coming up even though I try to let go of it. The 'I hate you' thought often comes up in relation to this.

Analyzing past moments and worrying about the meaning of such interactions is also something that could be related to OCD.  It could also be connected to possible self-esteem issues, particularly if you had issues with your home life growing up (or now) that might contribute in that area.  A trained medical professional would be the best person to make that kind of determination of course.  Many people with OCD also have other mental health issues, such as depression, etc.which can feed off each other.  The good news is they can also be treated together much of the time.
 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I'm messy. It only annoys me if things are very disordered.

Its a common misconception that people with OCD are all neat-freaks.  While it's certainly true that some sufferers are very clean and orderly, its far from universal.  I am not remotely a clean and tidy person.  While I like symmetry in designs and can appreciate things being arranged in aesthetically pleasing patterns, I don't get at all worked up when things are not "just right" or super clean and tidy.  Suffice it to say being messy doesn't at all affect whether or not you have OCD.

 

11 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

Not sure if I have any compulsions, if phone games aren't a compulsion for me. I'm not sure what counts as a compulsion.

Compulsions can seem obvious.  If you have to count things a certain number of times.  If you have to wash your hands a lot.  If you need to perform behaviors perfectly and/or in a specific order.  But compulsions can be pretty tricky.  I used to think I had "Pure-O" OCD, meaning obsessions only, no compulsions.  I didn't do any of those stereotypical OCD compulsions, I certainly wasn't a cleaning nut, etc.  Unfortunately that belief slowed my recovery from OCD because i missed out on dealing with the compulsions I DID have.  There are many mental and behavioral compulsions that aren't so obvious.  Rumination, i.e. spending a lot of time thinking about and analyzing thoughts, situations, etc. is a very common compulsion, i'd wager its the one that EVERY OCD sufferer has in common.  You mention that you sometimes do this after social gatherings.  It also sounds like you do it to some degree with thoughts related to self-harm and suicide.  Rumination is one of the trickiest compulsions because we engage in it all the time, we think its how we are SUPPOSED to solve problems.  You have a problem, you think about it, you find a solution.  Unfortunately just like washing your hands is a good idea in general, it can become harmful when taken to an extreme as a compulsion.  The same is true with rumination.  People with OCD tend to ruminate about their intrusive thoughts a lot, an action which typically results only in strengthening the idea in our minds that the thought is important.  Another compulsion many of us can fall in to without strictly realizing it is avoidance.  If we start to identify certain things that can trigger our anxiety, we tend to seek ways to avoid them.  Afraid of falling?  You avoid high places.  Afraid of dirt and disorder, you avoid messy places.  Avoidance can start small and then grow.  You might even think its the "sensible" choice.  After all, if you don't want to get sick, making sure to sterilize everything and not go to certain places makes sense right?  Again, there is a kernel of truth to that, but with OCD the behavior tends to be taken to an unhealthy level.  Working with a trained mental help professional can not only help you determine if you have OCD but can help guide you on the right approaches to dealing with the related compulsions.  And you probably wont figure it out all on day one so its good to try and be as patient as possible, even though, of course, you want the anxiety to be dealt with as quickly and easily  as possible!

Best of luck on talking with your doctor!

[Angst]

Good advice to see a doctor. If you are in the UK and using the NHS you should book a double appointment. A standard appointment time sounds as if would not be long enough.

You say that you are a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression so I wonder if you have seen a doctor or psychologist about these things before especially with regard to self harm issues. 

Good luck with the appointment!

Edited February 16, 2019 by Angst

[IntrusiveThoughts]

Thank you all so much for your responses and suggestions. It's validating though slightly upsetting to hear that it does sound like OCD - I don't want this problem, but at least I have a probable name for this problem now.

I am in long term psychotherapy dealing with some family issues. I would have to pause this kind of therapy to pursue therapy for OCD - I mentioned my suspicion to my therapist and this is what she said. I'm weighing up whether it's worth getting a diagnosis now but not get treatment, or wait til I'm in a better place with my family issues and would be ready to get OCD-specific treatment. 

On 16/02/2019 at 09:01, dksea said:

You are definitely not alone in having these kind of intrusive thoughts, may OCD sufferers struggle with thoughts related to sexuality, whether its incest, or orientation, or purity, its an easy area for anxiety to latch on to.

Thank you for saying this.

On 16/02/2019 at 09:01, dksea said:

In particular is the difficulty trying to recognize the difference between having a thought ABOUT something and having a genuine desire to do something.  I was afraid the former meant the later and that lead to a lot of anxiety for me at the time.

I struggle with this too. 

On 16/02/2019 at 09:01, dksea said:

Analyzing past moments and worrying about the meaning of such interactions is also something that could be related to OCD.  It could also be connected to possible self-esteem issues, particularly if you had issues with your home life growing up (or now) that might contribute in that area.

I am struggling with self esteem especially at the moment - perhaps this is why I'm struggling more with intrusive thoughts recently, and obsessing over social interactions. I'm working on it. 

On 16/02/2019 at 09:01, dksea said:

People with OCD tend to ruminate about their intrusive thoughts a lot, an action which typically results only in strengthening the idea in our minds that the thought is important.

Thank you for that whole paragraph explaining the compulsions bit. I do want to problem solve but annoyingly the thoughts come back even after I've decided what I'm going to do. I don't want to strengthen the idea that the thoughts are important, as you say; I don't want to keep thinking about it... it feels a little out of my control. Recently when I try to switch thinking to something else - in an effort to let go of ruminating - I find it difficult to think of a pleasant alternative to focus my thoughts on. 

I think there's also a layer where I feel that I SHOULD be focusing on all the things I've done wrong in order to figure out how to do better - and that I DESERVE to feel bad if I have done bad. But I don't think I'm bad enough to feel THIS bad about things I've done. I don't want to be on CONSTANT patrol of myself. 

I avoid people who don't make me feel good but I don't think it's excessive. I will watch myself.

On 16/02/2019 at 09:01, dksea said:

 And you probably wont figure it out all on day one so its good to try and be as patient as possible,

Good point. I can take the pressure off myself and not try to work it out all at once.

On 16/02/2019 at 13:32, Angst said:

You say that you are a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression so I wonder if you have seen a doctor or psychologist about these things before especially with regard to self harm issues.

Yes, don't worry   I'm not doing it any more. 

[dksea]

4 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I do want to problem solve but annoyingly the thoughts come back even after I've decided what I'm going to do. I don't want to strengthen the idea that the thoughts are important, as you say; I don't want to keep thinking about it... it feels a little out of my control. Recently when I try to switch thinking to something else - in an effort to let go of ruminating - I find it difficult to think of a pleasant alternative to focus my thoughts on. 

I think a great many OCD sufferers are also problem solvers, unfortunately the straightforward approach we might use to solving other problems is not affective with OCD.  Sometimes the right approach seems counter-intuitive, such as turning in to the wave during a storm, or pushing. your fingers together to release a Chinese finger trap.  This is also the case with OCD.  In order to tackle OCD intrusive thoughts an indirect approach is also necessary.

The reality is we can't directly control all our thoughts.  This is for two reasons.  First, many of the thoughts we have, are generated by our subconscious, something we can't control directly.  In my conscious mind I can decide to think of things, like deciding to think about ice cream, or pizza, or French fries (I am hungry right now  ). But our subconscious mind creates thoughts from all sorts of input (smells, sights, sounds), memories, physical sensations, who knows what else!  Second, unlike, say a computer where you can just give a command to delete something and its gone, our brains don't react that way.  We can't say "don't think about that thought!" to our brain, because by trying to NOT think about the thought we are, of course, thinking about the thought!  If you have an intrusive thought about say spiders "I don't want to think about spiders!", your default reaction is to keep checking to see if you are thinking about spiders!  To confront OCD we have to take an indirect approach.  Its kind of like if your younger sibling or child is bothering you.  The last thing you want to do is give them attention, because that will just make them want to bother you more.  One of the best ways to get them to leave you alone is to ignore them.  They might still be around for a little while, but eventually they get bored and go away on their own.

Many OCD sufferers struggle with this, especially early on.  We think "I just want this thought to go away, until it goes away I can't move on".  Its an understandable feeling, but its not quite correct.  What you want to go away is not the thought itself, but the ANXIETY about the thought.  So you change the goal from making the thought go away, to making the anxiety about the thought go away.  The idea is rather than banish the thought from your mind to make it so the thought is meaningless noise.  For example, when I first developed OCD my primary anxiety was about throwing up, particularly in public.  Anything related to that was a significant anxiety trigger for me, as were situations where I felt "trapped" such as public transit or airplanes or sitting in the middle of rows in theaters, at church, etc.  I always sat on the aisle, I avoided busses when possible, and when I did use them I sat as near the front as I could in case I need to try and get off quickly.  Over time I was able to overcome to reach a point where the thought of being sick didn't trigger my extreme anxiety anymore.  Sure I find the idea a bit unpleasant, all people do really.  But I no longer cringe when I hear related words mentioned on tv or even depictions.  I don't have a problem sitting in the window seat of an airplane, or in the middle of the row at a movie theater.  I still HAVE the thought sometimes, and I certainly experience things in real life that can trigger related thoughts, but my reaction to the thought changed.  Now, as my anxiety decreased, so did the frequency of the intrusive thought, thats an added bonus.  Our brains only have so much space to process things after all, so if something is less important we can forget about it right?

So the tricky part is basically learning to be "ok" with the thought just sitting there in the back of your mind and not reacting to it.  One way to get over anxiety from an intrusive thought is through ERP, by forcing yourself to experience the thought or related experience without allowing yourself to neutralize compulsions and just wait out the anxiety, your brain eventually gets used to the trigger and you aren't so anxious anymore.  ERP is part of CBT treatment for OCD (if you are already familiar with that, apologies for the unnecessary explanation!).  Its hard work, but it pays off in the end.  Likewise learning NOT to ruminate is hard, it becomes an almost automatic habit.  For me it was just a repeated process of catching myself ruminating, reminding myself that it was a compulsion and that I didn't have to solve this problem, and doing my best to focus on something else (TV, video games, music, etc.). I found that activities where I would need to focus were the best, such as crossword puzzles, sudoku, etc.  Its just one of those things that takes a while to get a hang of but gets easier over time.

[dksea]

6 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I am in long term psychotherapy dealing with some family issues. I would have to pause this kind of therapy to pursue therapy for OCD - I mentioned my suspicion to my therapist and this is what she said. I'm weighing up whether it's worth getting a diagnosis now but not get treatment, or wait til I'm in a better place with my family issues and would be ready to get OCD-specific treatment. 

Its unfortunate that you would have to pause one therapy to pursue the other.  I am not a mental health expert but it seems like these are problems that could possible be tackled in parallel.  Of course there is bound to be some connection between them, but it seems a shame to have to choose.  I would think that at least getting the diagnosis would be worthwhile.  Even if you don't start any specific treatment right away it would be part of your medical record and in case you had a need to address it sooner it would be one less hoop to jump through.  If you can get a diagnosis without interfering with your other therapy it sounds to me like that would be a good approach. 
In the meantime there are some very helpful and well done resources for self-help CBT.  The OCD-UK site has a few that you can buy through them, though they are all also available on sites such as Amazon if you are outside the UK (like me).  As long as it wouldn't be detrimental to your other therapy I'd say it was worth looking in to, though you'll probably want to discuss it with your therapist first.  Hopefully it all works out for you and you can move forward in dealing with both difficulties and getting back to living the life you want soon!

[IntrusiveThoughts]

Thanks @dksea. So in summary you're saying:

- need to take an indirect approach

- leave the thoughts alone, ignore them, don't react to them

- don't try to make the thoughts go away - learn to reduce the anxiety about the thoughts

- when anxiety decreases, the thoughts will come less

- ERP can be helpful - expose yourself to the thought, and sit with the anxiety (I read an article on the website about this)

- remind yourself that ruminating is a compulsion - distract yourself with something else

- get a diagnosis now so that you'll have one less hoop to jump through later (good point!)

 

I don't feel that any thoughts are meaningless noise - all thoughts come from somewhere. I'd like to have info to persuade me to believe otherwise. 

It is annoying that I can't do 2 therapies at once for 2 different issues. My therapist isn't an expert on OCD so she can't help. I think the reasoning for not doing them at the same time is to be able to prove which therapy was actually effective. 

The way I'm experiencing anxiety at the moment is low level - not like I've experienced it before. I feel grumpy/irritable, suspicious of others, a bit down, numb. I don't want to do things. Sounds a bit like mild depression doesn't it? I don't seem to be reacting that much to the intrusive thoughts other than being woken up from them in the morning/as I'm drifting to sleep, with my heart rate going right up.

The 'I hate you' thoughts are the most common ones and I've had them for so long that they feel true. They make me angry at myself for being such a hate-able person, but they only occasionally make me upset. As I said, they're often linked to the social interactions ruminating, which I think is my mind looking for evidence that I am a horrible person, even though rationally I know I'm a fairly good person. I wish I could permanently persuade myself that I'm not horrible. 

Thanks so much for the ideas, explanations, and reassurances. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I didn't want to think about all this. Therapy tomorrow, so I'm preparing myself to talk about it again. 

[dksea]

8 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

Thanks @dksea. So in summary you're saying:

- need to take an indirect approach

- leave the thoughts alone, ignore them, don't react to them

- don't try to make the thoughts go away - learn to reduce the anxiety about the thoughts

- when anxiety decreases, the thoughts will come less

- ERP can be helpful - expose yourself to the thought, and sit with the anxiety (I read an article on the website about this)

- remind yourself that ruminating is a compulsion - distract yourself with something else

- get a diagnosis now so that you'll have one less hoop to jump through later (good point!)

Thats a pretty good summary, though the section in bold is slightly different.  Yes avoiding rumination is important and refocusing elsewhere is a good way to help avoid rumination, but if you try and banish the thought by doing something else you'll probably get frustrated every time it pokes its head back up.  Its kind of like understanding the thought is still around but you are going to do something else anyway.  Yes, doing something else will probably mean the thought will occur less often, but its no guarantee you won't still encounter it, especially at first when its top of mind.  Its a little tricky but worth spending some time understanding.

[dksea]

8 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I don't feel that any thoughts are meaningless noise - all thoughts come from somewhere. I'd like to have info to persuade me to believe otherwise. 

Sure, all thoughts come from somewhere, but that doesn't mean all thoughts are useful or have deeper meaning.  As I mentioned above, our brains are CONSTANTLY processing stimuli, stimuli which can trigger thoughts and memories completely absent our thinking about them otherwise.  Advertising works exactly this way.  Your walking down the street and suddenly you think "huh, I think I'll have a Coca Cola".  It could be that you merely had a desire at that point for a Coca-Cola, its a tasty beverage after all.  OR it could be you were feeling a little thirsty and you passed a BUNCH of Coca-Cola ads, your subconscious was registering those ads, and because you had the sensation of thirst at that moment, and Coca-Cola was high on your awareness meter at the same time, your brain formed a connection and BAM you felt like having a Coke.  If it had been a 7-Up ad instead, you might have been more thirsty for 7-Up.  Or whatever.  There's no deeper meaning at play, just a simple confluence of events.  And who knows what other stimuli your brain is categorizing and reacting to.  Scent is a VERY strong memory trigger for example.  Imagine your watching a horror movie and you smell some freshly brewed coffee.  Maybe the next morning you smell coffee again and because of the previous night you experience a brief memory of a scene related to the movie.  Its only there for a second and all you notice is the vague sense of unease you had watching the movie, so now you: smelled coffee - felt scared.  Does that mean coffee is scary?  Not at all.  Just that a happenstance connection occurred.  Like all events in life, sometimes its easy to understand the connections between two events and sometimes its not so obvious.  Our thoughts are the same way.  Sometimes we can easily understand why stimulus A makes us have reaction/thought B, but sometimes its not clear because we don't get the full report on how our mind draws the connections, we don't get a mental map along with the end thought.

[dksea]

Consider also that studies have shown that virtually everyone gets the same type of intrusive thoughts that bother OCD sufferers but don't have the same reactions that OCD sufferers do.  For example, when I was first struggling with OCD in my teenage years I talked to my father about some of the thoughts I was having.  One that bothered me at the time would occur while I was driving.  Id see people on the sidewalk and my mind would conjure up the thought from wherever "Wow, I could just turn the wheel of this car and run them over".  There was no desire behind the thought, simply a realization of the situation and in a way a sobering reality about the responsibility of driving a car.  Who knows why the thought would pop in to my head.  Perhaps it had been from watching a friend play Grand Theft Auto, perhaps it had been from a scene in a movie, perhaps it was simple understanding of the physics of cars.  Regardless my OCD freaked out, suddenly I was worried that it might mean I'm secretly a homidical maniac!  When I confessed this thought to my dad, he told me that everyone has thoughts like that, he has too. There are many many reasons a thought can trigger in our minds and often its not particularly important why or even what the thought is.  If every thought we had was deep and meaningful then we would spend our lives in a state of constant stress because we have countless thoughts throughout each day, most of the time without even realizing it.

BTW, in over 23 years of being a licensed driver I have not yet even come close to losing control and running over pedestrians.  The thought was just a thought, it didn't actually mean anything in the end.  Just some meaningless noise.

[IntrusiveThoughts]

@dksea Thought I'd updated you - I called up the people who might assess me for if I have OCD. They said that my psychotherapist was qualified to have diagnosed me. So... I do have OCD. We hadn't talked about it much because my therapist doesn't like pathologising. 

I mentioned the sexual thoughts to my therapist more recently and she said that I'm not a pervert, and thoughts are different from actions. I'm glad I told her but it was very distressing for me to tell her, and I haven't wanted to talk about it again yet. 

Thanks for all your help, it's really valuable to have someone be kind enough to explain things in a way I'd understand, specific to me. 

[dksea]

5 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

So... I do have OCD.

Hi @IntrusiveThoughts, while I'm sorry to hear that you have OCD, I'm glad you have gotten the official diagnosis and hopefully it helps you towards getting the help you need to overcome your struggles.

 

5 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

I mentioned the sexual thoughts to my therapist more recently and she said that I'm not a pervert, and thoughts are different from actions. I'm glad I told her but it was very distressing for me to tell her, and I haven't wanted to talk about it again yet. 

Congratulations, that is a huge step, and as you experienced a very difficult one.  I'm glad your therapist was able to help you, and I think its important to keep that distinction in mind.  A thought is just a thought, some we can control, some we can't, but it is different from our actions which we CAN control.
 

5 hours ago, IntrusiveThoughts said:

Thanks for all your help, it's really valuable to have someone be kind enough to explain things in a way I'd understand, specific to me. 

You're more than welcome.  This forum and its members helped me through a difficult time awhile back so I am happy to return the favor.  Its good to know that something positive can come from having this stupid disorder after all.  Who knows, maybe someday down the line you'll be doing the same for a new member yourself