The trapped feeling over OCD.

[BigDave]

As I know, in the past, I have posted a lot on this forum and that I have also posted many a time the same things (or at least variants of the same thing), I intend for this post to be more of a documentation of how I’m feeling in so much that I hope that anyone who reads it can relate to it, understand the feelings and so on. I know that the struggles which I write of have no easy fix - at least not really. Even if the solution may seem to be straightforward, I think many of us know that the reality of tackling OCD is a lot more difficult; it’s emotionally and physically taxing and not something that can be switched off like a light switch. So here is my story. 

I think in truth, I have probably suffered with OCD for many years.  I think part of the reason it was undiagnosed for so long was due to the fact that my issues at first were “Pure O” and then over time, they extended and manifested themselves in different ways. I think I also suffer from issues with concentration. I can be doing something and my mind wanders so actually writing something like this can be incredibly hard as I can start this with the best of intentions but then as I go on, I just drift away. It’s annoying that I can’t stay focused. It has been a recurrent failing in my life.  I digress (ironically) and back to my OCD, it has now taken many forms. On one hand, I spend almost every day now obsessing about an event that happened nearly a decade ago and how my actions make me the worst person in the world. Then, there are severe contamination issues. Besides that, I have obsessions with order and checking - some more minor than others but they are all in some way OCD related. And my life is a complete and utter mess. Monday to Friday, I work from home praying for the weekend to arrive in the hope of having spare time but when it comes, I’m trapped in anxieties. I am now at the point where now I just lie on my bed, not touching anything because at least that way I can’t become contaminated or contaminate anything. The toilet, bathroom, and kitchen terrify me as do most waste bins. At Christmas, I had an empty plastic box which once contained fruit and I couldn’t find a bin. Then, the one I found had only a small gap to put it in. I tried but it hit the bin and bounced off and I stood there terrified. A man, who thought I was being a litter bug, had a go at me. I just got really upset standing there being told off by someone who had no understanding of what I was feeling. Furthermore, I genuinely hate going to the toilet. I hate having to enter a room where my brother pees all over, a room where most towels are contaminated and when I use the toilet, my bladder and bowel issues make it nearly impossible to get something on me. Whether it be a bit of wee on my leg or a wet patch on my boxers, a bit of something on my hand when I wipe or something equally disgusting. I literally am terrified whenever I have to go. I am constantly mindful of wear my hands are often changing my clothes after going and praying to just get out as clean as possible. 

This morning, I’ve spent nearly three hours lying on my bed doing nothing because it’s easier than doing anything else. As for the moral obsessions, I don’t want to mention them because I’m so embarrassed and ashamed that I’m afraid how you will look and think of me if I do say it. 

I’m a mess basically. My therapist thinks I’ve habituated to the drugs I’m on and I’m waiting now to see my psychiatrist. I’m counting down the minutes and I’m desperate. It’s a rough period right now. I hope that no one has to feel like I do and I’m so sorry for those that do. 

[Don K]

I just laughed out loud at your bin story, that is unfortunate but I can really relate to that.  I have to throw my litter at the bin and hope it goes in, if it bounces and comes back out there is no way I'm touching it.  I'm just back from Amsterdam where a lot of the bins have handles you have to touch to pull them open.  Needless to say I spent a lot of time holding onto my litter until I found one deemed clean enough to touch.  I  don't even know what I'm worried about touching them for it's not likely that people have put s h i t in them (unless from their dogs but round here no one seems to pick that up).

[PolarBear]

Dave, it's awful that you find yourself in this situation. Your world has gotten smaller. Unfortunately it will get even smaller if you don't fight back against your own mind.

 

[leif]

Thanks for sharing that BigDave. That is really too bad you are going through such a rough time. I remember how nightmarish things got when I went through a terrible relapse a few years back.

But its amazing how much better we can get once the right things are put in place (right meds, right therapy), so don't lose hope!

Wishing you all the best in your battle against this!

[Emsie]

Hi Dave, I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. Things can and will get better for you with the right things in place. I’m glad to hear that you are still in therapy. Maybe, working closely with your therapist, you can start tackling a hierarchy of obsessions, one at a time. I feel with some victories under your belt you will have the motivation to keep going. 

Just know you’re not alone, you can make your situation so much better and keep fighting and working hard at it. We know the theory, we’ve just got to start putting it in to practise. 

Sending you a big hug. X

Edited February 17, 2019 by Emsie

[Emsie]

Sorry that my message wasn’t full of great advice and answers for you. I just wanted to reach out and be there. X

[BigDave]

5 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Dave, it's awful that you find yourself in this situation. Your world has gotten smaller. Unfortunately it will get even smaller if you don't fight back against your own mind.

 

I am trying Polarbear, honestly I am. Some days it's better than others but I am definitely in a lull at the moment. I hope that some new medication might be able to get me out of this but I still have some time to wait yet sadly! Been arduous these past few weeks though.

3 hours ago, leif said:

Thanks for sharing that BigDave. That is really too bad you are going through such a rough time. I remember how nightmarish things got when I went through a terrible relapse a few years back.

But its amazing how much better we can get once the right things are put in place (right meds, right therapy), so don't lose hope!

Wishing you all the best in your battle against this!

Really hoping so. I have a good therapist but we seem to talk more than anything else. I am going to ask him to provide me with some more strategies I think.

31 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Hi Dave, I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. Things can and will get better for you with the right things in place. I’m glad to hear that you are still in therapy. Maybe, working closely with your therapist, you can start tackling a hierarchy of obsessions, one at a time. I feel with some victories under your belt you will have the motivation to keep going. 

Just know you’re not alone, you can make your situation so much better and keep fighting and working hard at it. We know the theory, we’ve just got to start putting it in to practise. 

Sending you a big hug. X

Thank you Emsie, that is very sweet of you and it means a lot. It's really hard like you say but all we can do is fight and keep trying to do the right things. I just need a few victories right now to get me moving I think and start the ball rolling.

28 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Sorry that my message wasn’t full of great advice and answers for you. I just wanted to reach out and be there. X

Honestly, there is really no need to apologise. The fact that you are reaching out means a lot and I am very grateful

[Emsie]

46 minutes ago, BigDave said:

Thank you Emsie, that is very sweet of you and it means a lot. It's really hard like you say but all we can do is fight and keep trying to do the right things. I just need a few victories right now to get me moving I think and start the ball rolling.

You're so welcome, Dave. It is hard, but as Avo has just said to me we have to trust the process and stick with it. Yes, I really believe with a few victories you can really start moving forward. 

 

48 minutes ago, BigDave said:

Honestly, there is really no need to apologise. The fact that you are reaching out means a lot and I am very grateful

Bless you, thank you. And I am very grateful for you reaching out to me today. Try and do something nice for yourself this evening. X

[Ollie46]

Feeling for you Dave, this is an extremely difficult place to be. All I can say is that I’m in a similarly hopeless feeling place right now during a setback. I’ve found myself laying in bed for hours more than I should just because it’s hard to get up and face anything. My mind is also constantly in a loop sometimes and it feels like I’ll never come back.

It’s really hard to do the right things, it used to come naturally and now is like I have to hit a restart button and learn it all again. Try and get those little victory’s you talked about man, they really will start o help you realise what is working and what’s keeping you stuck. You can absolutely do it, I’m already feeling small but satisfying changes and am realising why my bad habits have resulted in my OCD getting so bad again. Let’s do it together!