Long post

[don't know]

I'm sorry for using this forum to make a fool out you guys. I really am. I've just been posting on this forum with genuine OCD sufferers and it feels like I've tried to become one of you and adapt myself to it. It feels as though I can perfectly craft a post like that because I've been reading OCD articles and forums for four years. I'm incredibly sorry, and feel so awful. 

When I joined the forum I wanted to know whether what I had was OCD or not. It felt like I could relate to others. I got lovely answers and advice from those who had OCD, and I am still grateful that people reply to me, even though it seems like I couldn't care less. I feel as though I just posted for attention, and I'm incredibly sorry. 

I ended up going on an OCD forum to see whether what I had was OCD or not. I'm not sure that's the thing. It doesn't seem like OCD though. I know people probably get mad when I say that (isn't that what every OCD sufferer has?) but I genuinely feel like I am lying or am covering myself from the truth. I don't know, at the same time I just want to go back to feeling fine and secure in myself. 

Its weird there was a time recently where I knew who I was. I think I fell in love. It just proved to me that all that was complete ******** and this is what all of this - desire, happiness, security felt like and I had known this feeling all along. I hadn't felt it in a while, but I recognised it. Especially, in those moments that were incredibly painful - I knew they were real. I didn't doubt them or think about them in that way. It sucked but I knew it was real. Even today, I felt them and I didn't go into that mindset of how am I truly feeling etc. Well, I did. 

But, It feels as though this could've started off as OCD. I literally used to fit the bill but the more it goes on the more it feels like the truth. It kind of seems like I didn't want to face the truth and now it is what it is.  OCD doesn't hide me from the truth. I feel awful, I don't know really. That's a theme I never feel sure of my emotions. I don't know what it is. I think I feel something then I don't. It's just too much. I don't think about it much. It just seems like my time has run out and I have to be this person now. At least back in the day, it was clear that I wasn't that person (felt like I changed overnight)

Its tiring to always feel like the odd one out. That's seems really silly to say, but genuinely I'm tired. It just seems like when I know myself I just get tripped up. To be honest, four years ago I was completely different person - if someone told me that this is what I would be like I would've laughed and thought you were kidding. But, nope I guess I did a complete turn. I'm not sure. 

I don't want to do these things. I don't want to get sensations when I sit next to a stranger on the bus. I don't want to constantly question whether I'm attracted to a family member because they touched my hand I can still feel it on my hands. I don't want to be scared of my friends because they complimented my hair. I don't want to analyse tv shows and movies to see who I'm attracted to or whether I'm turned on by incest topics etc.  I hate all these things. It seems so ridiculous. I just feel completely replaced by some stupid thing. But, maybe that's why I'm belittling it because it's a form of denial and pushing it under; acting like it doesn't matter. 

Anyway, this is turning into a rant and I'm sorry about that. I kind of just want to leave it like this and just give up. There is really no point in any of this anymore. 

Edited February 18, 2019 by don't know

[don't know]

Yeah it all ended being true. I don't understand. I keep flipping back and forth. 

[PolarBear]

Well, there is no point in you saying these same old things, over and over again. I'm done telling you that you have OCD. I'll offer no more reassurance.

I will continue to tell you that you cannot keep doing the same old thing and expecting a different result. You have been going for four years? You're on track to rrpeat those four years. Same old stuff. You coming here, complaining that you don't have OCD. That's a head scratcher, considering this is an OCD forum.

The point is: WHAT YOU ARE DOING, WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR YEARS, IS NOT WORKING!! Did I say that loud enough? Do you understand that? 

[don't know]

I understand that it's hypocritical of me to come on here say I don't have OCD. I've posted on these other sites and they have said it sounds like OCD but maybe I was lying? I don't know why I post on here to be honest but at the same time I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

 

[PolarBear]

You're not talking to us about anything.

Every day or so, you come here and tell us you don't have OCD, that you're a fraud, etc. Some people offer you reassurance. You respond that you just don't know. Then a day or two later, you start another thread or continue with a previous one, and you tell us you don't have OCD, you're a fraud, yada yada. And it goes on and on and on and on, just like that.

This has been going on for a long time. Months, certainly. Perhaps years. Are you going to do it next week, next month, next year? Before you know it, four more years will have passed and you'll still be posting that you don't have OCD, you're a fraud, blah, blah.

Do you want that? Do you want to repeat this forever? At what point are you going to get real and realize this isn't working?

[don't know]

What do you mean I'm talking about nothing? This is how I feel. I'm scared and confused by this. I don't think that's nothing. If it was nothing I wouldn't care and not post about it. 

Thats what it's like for me; I'm never sure. I can't give you a definitive answer and again that's really scary for me. 

I don't want to live like this. If I had the chance I would compelety erase this ****, but I can't do that. I have to live with because in all honesty I don't know how to get better. How do I get better if I don't have compulsions? How do I get better when probably in a couple of days I'll feel nothing about this and then feel scared that I tricked people and myself into thinking I have OCD? How do I get better when I feel like my emotions are completely mismatched or not even there. This is what I mean, I feel confused and frustrated all the time. 

 

[PolarBear]

What I meant by you not talking is, no matter what we say, you just revert to saying that you don't have OCD, etc. You just go round and round with your words, repeating them day after day. 

I understand you are confused. A good part of that comes from you going to those other websites. We've told you that many times.

You do have compulsions. Loads of them. Going to those other websites is a compulsion. Coming here every day and telling us you don't have OCD is a compulsion. The constant ruminating you do is a compulsion.

Edited February 18, 2019 by PolarBear

[Sputnik]

I'm sure that most, if not all, OCD sufferers can relate to the turmoil and confusion going on for you. It is not your fault. You can take steps to overcome it. It sounds to me like you would really benefit from seeing a CBT therapist who has experience of people with OCD (if you aren't already) as your intrusive thoughts seem to have got to the point where this forum cannot be of much help to you? And you're going round and round in the same patterns, which won't help the OCD :) I can tell you that I frequently, despite having all the symptoms of OCD and logically knowing that's what it is, feel terrified my thoughts are true and that I'm making up the OCD - but that is also OCD! It will find any way it can to convince you that your worst fears are true, you're a bad person, etc. I'm sorry you're struggling so much Be kind to yourself.

[don't know]

Hello, thanks for the reply. 

I ended up checking again and stumbled across something that triggered me. It shouldn't have but it did and put my whole identity into question. It's graphic so I don't want to be specific. It just seems like I'm trying to explain it away. Denial was literally running through my head as I was typing that. 

I've tried cbt, the whole theory A and B. But, the only column that fills up is for the obsession being true. It just seems like there's a block on my feelings and that I can't picture my future. It's not like when I go through depressive phrases and I can only see one way out, it's more like I am not able to imagine all the good things that I wanted. Because all the things I wanted I'm scared that when they eventually happen I'm going to hate them and actually will have to do these things that I'm scared of. I know no one else who thinks like this. It literally seems like everything and nothing is pointing to all of this being true if that makes sense? 

Again, it just seems like one big case of denial in comparison to everyone else. Especially because it has to do with sexual themes as well it just makes me feel so confused all the time. 

[malina]

DK, you don't have to apologise to anyone but yourself. We all make our own decision to respond to you and have enough experience with our own mental health problems to recognise someone in need of help. I think the one you need to apologise to is yourself, you need to show yourself some more kindness. Ultimately, it isn't up to any of us here to convince you that you have a particular disorder. Let me just ask you this - what happens if your fear is true and you are in denial? Will that mean that you have to act out on your repressed sexual desires? Who is going to make you do that?

There are people out there who genuinely have sexual disorders and, unless they want to get into a lot of trouble, they also have to learn to control them. So if there are people who can learn to control these things, you don't want to be this way so you could learn to control them too.

That is just a big IF by the way, because it honestly doesn't sound anything more than OCD. 

[Sputnik]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

Hello, thanks for the reply. 

I ended up checking again and stumbled across something that triggered me. It shouldn't have but it did and put my whole identity into question. It's graphic so I don't want to be specific. It just seems like I'm trying to explain it away. Denial was literally running through my head as I was typing that. 

I've tried cbt, the whole theory A and B. But, the only column that fills up is for the obsession being true. It just seems like there's a block on my feelings and that I can't picture my future. It's not like when I go through depressive phrases and I can only see one way out, it's more like I am not able to imagine all the good things that I wanted. Because all the things I wanted I'm scared that when they eventually happen I'm going to hate them and actually will have to do these things that I'm scared of. I know no one else who thinks like this. It literally seems like everything and nothing is pointing to all of this being true if that makes sense? 

Again, it just seems like one big case of denial in comparison to everyone else. Especially because it has to do with sexual themes as well it just makes me feel so confused all the time. 

I presume you mean you've tried some self-help CBT methods? Seeing a therapist is different from taking it all on on your own, you can share your insecurities with someone in confidentially, who isn't going to judge you or make you feel bad, and can help you work through whatever CBT techniques may work best for you. The OCD-UK website has got a lot of information about CBT, if you haven't already consulted it

[dksea]

11 hours ago, don't know said:

Thats what it's like for me; I'm never sure.

Which is exactly what OCD causes people to suffer from, extreme doubt.  Having thoughts, fears and anxieties which they can never feel SURE about.
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

I don't want to live like this. If I had the chance I would compelety erase this ****, but I can't do that. I have to live with because in all honesty I don't know how to get better.

We have been telling you how you can get better, you simply refuse to listen.  Right now the biggest obstacle between you and recovery is your unwillingness to listen to what we are trying to tell you.
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

How do I get better if I don't have compulsions?

You very clearly have compulsions.  You have a checking compulsion, which you even admit to in this very thread.  You have rumination compulsions that you admit to all the time.  Posting here over and over is one giant compulsion.
 

11 hours ago, don't know said:

How do I get better when probably in a couple of days I'll feel nothing about this and then feel scared that I tricked people and myself into thinking I have OCD? How do I get better when I feel like my emotions are completely mismatched or not even there. This is what I mean, I feel confused and frustrated all the time. 

You get better by take active steps to get help and into a recovery plan.  You get better by listening to the advice we are giving you, listening to people who have suffered in the past the way you are now and have gotten better by listening to the advice of others before us.

And yes, you feel confused and frustrated, and that sucks, we all understand that, we understand it because we have been there too.

 

3 hours ago, don't know said:

Again, it just seems like one big case of denial in comparison to everyone else. Especially because it has to do with sexual themes as well it just makes me feel so confused all the time. 

Because it has to do with sexual themes?  You mean one of the most common themes people with OCD struggle with?  What if I'm gay?  What if I'm a pedophile?  What if I cheated on my partner? What if I like kinky stuff?  What if I did something awful but don't remember it? All of those (and more) are par for the course when it comes to OCD.

 

13 hours ago, don't know said:

I'm sorry for using this forum to make a fool out you guys. I really am.

The only person you are fooling is yourself, sadly.  You are suffering from a disease you didn't ask for or deserve, but whats worse is you refuse to listen to people who are trying to help you get better, meaning you are suffering needlessly when there is help that could make your life soooo much better!

If you are genuinely sorry and you want to do something about that then I ask you, no I beg you, to please, PLEASE stop and listen to what we are telling you.  Listen to what we are saying and choose to accept it, even though you aren't sure.  Choose to take steps to get help for OCD, even though you aren't sure you have it, doubt you have it or are convinced ou don't have it.  Seek the help we are suggesting.  Give it a try.  You say you don't know what to do or how to get better, well then why not take a chance on this!  Thats the best thing you could do if you feel like you've wasted anyones time here.  If you will at least listen to the advice we are giving and follow it by seeking out help from a trained medical professional then it won't have been a waste.  Everyone here wants you to get better, its the only reason we reply.  You have an opportunity to change things.  Or you can keep doing the same thing over and over.  But why would you?

[don't know]

The thing about it is I don't want to do these things. Like if I'm in a calm state of mind and it pops up I just think 'wouldn't want to do that' and go on with my day. It makes me feel more secure and there's none of this questioning. I don't know how I'd feel if it turned out to be true, I think I would feel like a complete idiot, a loss of knowing who I once was, all that. All that seems like such a depressing existence to be honest. 

On the subject of CBT, I was referred a couple of years ago and it wasn't all that helpful. They were nice and very understanding of my condition. That's where I learned a few techniques, but again it just didn't work. I tried them, and it just wasn't successful. I was placed on medication as well. 

Edited February 19, 2019 by don't know

[dksea]

11 minutes ago, don't know said:

The thing about it is I don't want to do these things. Like if I'm in a calm state of mind and it pops up I just think 'wouldn't want to do that' and go on with my day. It makes me feel more secure and there's none of this questioning. I don't know how I'd feel if it turned out to be true, I think I would feel like a complete idiot, a loss of knowing who I once was, all that. All that seems like such a depressing existence to be honest. 

What you are describing is something basically every OCD sufferer goes through and feels like about their particular intrusive thought.  It feels EXACTLY like what I went through with some of mine.  Statements like this are one of the many reasons why I am convinced you have OCD.  
 

12 minutes ago, don't know said:

On the subject of CBT, I was referred a couple of years ago and it wasn't all that helpful. They were nice and very understanding of my condition. That's where I learned a few techniques, but again it just didn't work. I tried them, and it just wasn't successful. I was placed on medication as well. 

CBT isn't a quick fix, its about learning techniques and applying them, long term, to reach a new place in life.  Medication, for some of us, is necessary to be able to tackle that but in the end you still have to do the work.  Going to CBT is like meeting with a personal trainer.  They can show you some exercises, they can coach you through how to do it, but until you actually DO the exercise, consistently and over time, things won't change.  You don't get over OCD just by attending a few CBT sessions and trying the exercises a few times, just like you don't get in great shape by going to the gym a few times and then stopping.
CBT also involves making active choices about how you approach OCD.  It requires that you make the active choice to accept things even though you feel doubt about it.  In your case the important thing is that you accept that you have OCD, even though you aren't sure.

Just as it can take a smoker many attempts to finally quit, it can take an OCD sufferer many attempts before they really commit and make progress towards recovery.

[don't know]

It was six months worth and I did try and practice them in my daily life. It just disappeared on its own. That's what I mean. It doesn't feel like doubt for OCD it just feels like I don't really have it and am using as an excuse (I'm sorry I'm repeating myself). 

[malina]

On 19/02/2019 at 01:01, don't know said:

It was six months worth and I did try and practice them in my daily life. It just disappeared on its own. That's what I mean. It doesn't feel like doubt for OCD it just feels like I don't really have it and am using as an excuse (I'm sorry I'm repeating myself). 

Well it sounds like therapy was at least slightly helpful before, so why not go again? It doesn't matter whether you think you have OCD or not - can you at least agree that you are suffering and need help?

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Just feel like I have to give you another point of wiev on things. Atleast pointing out that for us all of this is pretty clear -- You have OCD. Now what do you want to do about it?

And I have read your posts since start of last year so it's not like I am just guessing here.

Edited February 20, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[don't know]

Yeah, but what's the point when you're not sure though. It's like I'm pretending to be honest. 

I had a couple of days where I had tons of work to be done, so it was at the back of my mind until last night when I triggered again. It's like there's no peace. I'm also scared that I've convincing myself of feelings - because how strange I act around people. That's difficult to understand. For example, my friend was talking about someone in one of their classes and I kind of just listened to them talk about them, I didn't say anything. I'm thinking because I didn't say something that must mean that I hate this person that they are talking about, when I don't. It's stupid, I know but is it a possibility that I'm not the person I thought I was. It's weird. I'm so fed up of all these sexual fears as well, it's like I can't even think anything that I want to anymore because I worry - am I really into this? What if I'm not? I'm sure I was at some point? What if I'm forcing myself? How aroused am I? Because I'm not feeling up to it does this mean anything? Looking at eye pupil dilation, and seeing if I'm enjoying these thoughts. I sometimes feel as though when these thoughts are happening, people are actually touching me. It just all comes rushing back to the point when it does I literally just roll my eyes and think 'here we go again.'

[PolarBear]

And at that point, you have a choice: the old way, involving trying to answer those questions and other compulsions, or dismiss those questions as irrelevant and get on with your day.

[dksea]

On 22/02/2019 at 08:28, don't know said:

Yeah, but what's the point when you're not sure though.

I'm not sure that girl likes me, I better not ask her out.
I'm not sure i'll get that job, I better not apply.
I'm not sure I won't get hit by a car on my way to work, I better not leave the house.
I'm not sure my food isn't poisoned, I better not eat it.
I'm not sure I won't get struck by a stray meteorite if i get out of bed, I better stay here all day.
I'm not sure I won't have a heart attack if I move, I better stay perfectly still.

Being sure is an illusion, a useful illusion, but an illusion.  There is ALWAYS a possibility something can go wrong, something won't go the way we expect, etc.  It may be a big possibility, it may be a small possibility, but its always a possibility, its written in the laws of the universe that you can never be 100% certain of ANYTHING.

The point is you have to make choices anyway.  If you don't, choices will be made for you, by other people, by circumstances, by random chance.  So either you choose to do something, or you are giving up control.
 

On 22/02/2019 at 08:28, don't know said:

That's difficult to understand. For example, my friend was talking about someone in one of their classes and I kind of just listened to them talk about them, I didn't say anything. I'm thinking because I didn't say something that must mean that I hate this person that they are talking about, when I don't. It's stupid, I know but is it a possibility that I'm not the person I thought I was. It's weird. I'm so fed up of all these sexual fears as well, it's like I can't even think anything that I want to anymore because I worry - am I really into this? What if I'm not? I'm sure I was at some point? What if I'm forcing myself? How aroused am I? Because I'm not feeling up to it does this mean anything? Looking at eye pupil dilation, and seeing if I'm enjoying these thoughts. I sometimes feel as though when these thoughts are happening, people are actually touching me. It just all comes rushing back to the point when it does I literally just roll my eyes and think 'here we go again.'

Do you see the highlighted parts? "What if?" "Its a possibility."  "Am I really."  It all doubt, and its all utterly typical of OCD.

Your symptoms and behavior match up perfectly with someone suffering from OCD. Is it possible you don't have OCD?  Sure, as I said above, its impossible to be 100% certain of anything.  But the odds that this is OCD are extremely high.  You are essentially saying to us "Look, I know you guys are saying there is a 99.99% chance this is OCD, but theres this 0.01% chance its not, so I'm gonna just not gonna accept it.

Your biggest hurdle right  now is that unless you are completely sure its OCD, like no doubts at all, you are not going to get help for OCD.  But if you have OCD, its likely you will never feel 100% sure.  You've trapped yourself in a loop.  Its like saying "unless I know 100% I will get my dream job, I'm not going to apply for my dream job", its a self defeating position because you can't get the job unless you apply, but you won't apply unless you know you'll get the job!

You can keep waiting for things to change, keep asking yourself these same questions over and over, keep taking the same approach that you have been for years without any success. Thats your choice, its your life to live, but i'd say its not a very healthy or rewarding approach to take.

Or you can listen to what we are telling you, you can make a choice to do things differently, and hopefully change things for the better.  It all starts by making a choice, choosing to treat this as OCD even though you feel doubt, and to continue to treat this as OCD even though you will probably keep feeling doubt.  If you do that there is the strong possibility of improving your life.  Its up to you, make a choice, or let life choose for you.