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Dealing with shame


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Hi y'all

Been a bit of a rough ride this week; some of you already know my story, with scrupolousity and religious OCD. I've been trying hard to keep my head above the water and things are much easier than they used to be, but this week, I was revisited by some old feelings from eight years past, when I had a lot of questions and I wasn't sure what was wrong or right outside my religion. I was constantly getting the opinions of others, seeking reassurance and trying to justify what I was doing, I suppose. It wasn't anything harmful or illegal, it was just something personal regarding interests and I guess I was trying to get a free pass for it and know that it was absolutely okay, which just made things worse. I didn't want to think it might be wrong. Even worse still, it was something that a lot of people in RL wouldn't quite understand and took a lot of explaining. It was a 'fangirl thing,' essentially. I've always struggled with my religion, as many of you know and don't fit the bill of the devout churchgoer, despite my personal belief. 

These days, as an adult, I realise nothing is certain and I don't have to be rigid, although at the same time I think life is too short to not be moral. I'm focusing on the things that really make me happy and the things that matter, but these particular obsessive feelings have lingered and it's been difficult. I also felt a strong shame that all these years later, they were still dogging me; it made me feel very bad about myself and like I had let so many people down. It was what led to me considering suicidal contemplation last time, which, you know, wasn't very nice. I felt very silly as well and that I hadn't made any progress. One friend did say to me 'It's not silly if it's bothering you' but I felt bad that I was worrying about it, still, after all this time. I'm even scared to talk to my family about it, in case they get exasperated. 

But then I remembered that I got through it before, and I got through it again; I got myself through an OCD episode last night for example and lay off the compulsions so although my head hurt, and I felt anxious, I didn't give in. I'm still here and at least now I know I'm remembering to remember the important stuff; I've evolved and changed. It's important to help others, be kind, work hard and just be there for people and this week I just got a bit mentally lost, although I did try my best to reach out and support people in tough times, and ask others about their interests and what they were doing. This always helps and when I'm in danger of throwing all my issues against a wall and making it all about me, I find the lives of others can give a helping hand and helping them can help yourself. I'm also realising it's not always about what you're told to think, it's also about what you believe.

*strikes Wonder Woman pose* 'AND I BELIEVE IN LOVE!' :lol:

 

 

Edited by Cub
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I have some shame over an incident at a corporate entertainment event years ago. 

I had invited someone and was watching out for her but didn't recognise her all made up and scrubbed up and beautifully dressed so didn't acknowledge her. It was only afterwards that I realised this. 

She probably may have felt I ignored her, it must have hurt her.

I would love to take that occasion back and put this right. 

But I came to terms with this pretty quickly and it's not an obsessive issue - simply something I wish I had realised at the time. 

We all make mistakes, we all make errors of judgement. And if our OCD homes in, then the smallest issue, or a falsehood, can be exaggerated or made to seem real. 

The way forward under these circumstances is to cognitively recognise the OCD at work, and refocus away from the trigger each time it rears its ugly head, until it loses interest. 

Edited by taurean
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19 hours ago, Cub said:

But then I remembered that I got through it before, and I got through it again; I got myself through an OCD episode last night for example and lay off the compulsions so although my head hurt, and I felt anxious, I didn't give in. I'm still here and at least now I know I'm remembering to remember the important stuff; I've evolved and changed. It's important to help others, be kind, work hard and just be there for people and this week I just got a bit mentally lost, although I did try my best to reach out and support people in tough times, and ask others about their interests and what they were doing. This always helps and when I'm in danger of throwing all my issues against a wall and making it all about me, I find the lives of others can give a helping hand and helping them can help yourself. I'm also realising it's not always about what you're told to think, it's also about what you believe.

*strikes Wonder Woman pose* 'AND I BELIEVE IN LOVE!'

That's lovely Cub.

Yes so much of this disorder (and probably just life in general) seems to be just getting up once again, living life as best we can, supporting others, being kind to others...and being kind to ourselves!

All the best to you on your journey!

 

 

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Hello everybody 

Thanks for all these kind words. Taurean, I appreciate your practical advice and your empathy; I am doing my best to remember that we all make mistakes and I'm remembering more than ever. Leif, thankyou for the kind words and the encouragement and for letting me know I'm not alone and DKSea, thankyou for the awesome quotation. You guys are brilliant. 

While I have this box open - might as well, while it's here! :lol: - I'm worrying about my temper. I've mentioned it before but I get so stressed out so much and I think it's obvious in my face because I always seem to be frowning. I seem to be worrying about the past, even making things up to get cross about, as if predicting situations and how I could react, worrying about the future and how my anger might manifest itself. In particular, I worry so much about hurting people and hurting my nieces; if they make me cross, if I lose my temper, what if I hurt them and upset them? It sounds stupid but I just worry about it and I don't want to do that. I don't know how to stop stressing - people say to me that I worry too much but I don't know how else to be. I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to hurt myself but I'm terrible at staying calm. It takes a lot of effort and it's holding me back at work; due to my stress-levels kicking off easily, I've not been able to go onto training for more advanced, specific roles as they don't think I'll be able to cope with the organisational side due to my anxiety and while I understand I'm not ready, it hurts to see other people going in over me and being able to do what I can't.

Anyway, that's that for today. Ta-ta for now and thanks again, all.

C x

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Hi cub 

Coming back to feelings of hurt and resentment at being held back by your mental issues whereas others can progress, I identify with that. 

It was certainly true for me. I had the qualifications and experience to be a Director with my own department, but not the mental health to be able to do this. 

So I decided to make the best of what I could do, and exchanged some client work for training and mentoring others - I thoroughly enjoyed that, plus it wasn't stressful. 

So there may be some way that you could ask for them to rejig your work to make it more fulfilling without adding stress. 

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Thankyou very much for that, Taurean; I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm also doing my best to treat the temper thing as OCD.

Again, while this box is open, there's also something else that's come around. I've been invited out to dinner tomorrow evening and a fellow guest is a friend whom I haven't seen for a time. You'd think I'd be excited and happy to see her, and I am looking forward to a catch-up but I'm also scared; I had a very confusing infatuation for this friend not too long ago which caused my OCD to go wild; I was scared of having bad thoughts about her and sadly she herself became a trigger for my OCD because I was terrified of having thoughts about harming her whenever I saw her and couldn't always engage with what she was saying. I was worried to talk to her or even look at her - that, and she always made me ever so nervous because I felt so exposed and gabbled like an idiot. She was very kind to me regarding the OCD business and I appreciated her support but I'm worried I'll make her feel uncomfortable, or scare her, or make a fool out of myself. I know, they're only thoughts. I'm just scared and excited about seeing her again and am worried about having a relapse - which I don't want to happen in front of her as she might think I'm being attention-seeking or she'll figure out she's the trigger. 

Also, I'm now feeling very uncharacteristically paranoid about what to wear...:rolleyes:

I suppose it'll be a bit strange because being with these people will be a reminder of a time in my life when I wasn't particularly happy, my job in Wales, feelings of not fitting in, of feeling invisible. It chalks back up every now and then and I'm worried it'll trigger me tomorrow. I've been so much happier with my life and don't really want to be surrounded by feelings from the old days. We shall see; it's helped that I've written this down, now. I really just want to get some sleep.

C x

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Just go along and determine to be happy. 

Any intrusions along the nature you describe are OCD thoughts not yours, and we don't have to go along with its "I am bad" nonsense - we are not responsible for having OCD. 

So treat it as an exposure, don't listen to any intrusions. And why shouldn't you enjoy yourself? Don't let OCD call the shots, you can rise above it. 

Sleep tight. 

Roy 

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Thanks Taurean

Unfortunately, fast-forward to today and I'm not doing too well. I'm legit dreading tonight and just want to get it over and done with but I know I can't just not go. I get it, it is a good exposure and I realise that it will be beneficial to go rather than avoid but I guess I feel afraid. Of what, I'm not sure; just scared of letting her down, scared of where my thoughts will go. Even though I know it's just a thought. All I know if I feel anxious and withdrawn and I kinda want to cry. Which is, you know. Not good. :( 

I feel so silly for feeling like this. I know it's up to me and OCD is not my fault but I'm just scared. And yet I must go forth and try. One period at a time, shift by shift.

Thanks for the logic and encouragement,

C x

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