Mum waiting on NHS

[Coffeecake]

Hi, 8 yrs ago I had an intrusive thought about my relationship which led to a panic attack and then months and years of rumination. I didn't know it was OCD at first, endless googling led me to an accurate description of my problems and from there I worked on it with self help books and forum and twitter support. 

My OCD switches between three main obsessions and it's particularly sticky because there's a grain of truth in each. On the weekend, I had another intrusive thought which led to the panic attack like I had all those years ago. I don't want to go into too much detail because I'm trying to not to get reassurance and trying not to ruminate on it. I have a young, pre school age son. He's obsessed with breastfeeding. He tries to breastfeed from my arm and he did this on the weekend and it felt good, not like a groinal response but just - good. Intimate? Close? I don't know, I'm trying not to think about it. Anyway, as you can imagine, the POCD fears are now intense, I'm anxious around my son as I feel a danger, I'm anxious around my husband because I feel he'd think I'm a monster if he knew how my mind is working. I recognised the level of fear in my panic attack on the weekend from last time and knew I couldn't face years of this hell. So I've self referred to my local IAPT and made a GP appt to talk meds. 

What I'm wondering is, will I have to do the first six weeks of the sort of naff first line CBT or is there a way to get to ERP more quickly? (Though being a mum I feel I'm doing ERP all the time.) Also, I'm not sure if I need meds, sometimes, like at work today, I felt pretty level, but back at home my tummy is churning and I want to cry. I find my mood a little low but that I'm quick to anger. I just want to get the best out of my appointments.

Any help or advice will be much appreciated while I wait to get my appointments. 

Thanks all

Coffee cake 

[Coffeecake]

Also, I'm struggling to give myself permission to treat this as OCD because at the moment I feel like I should be going to the police or a secure hospital and that treating it as OCD is just denying the truth and is a get out clause. 

[Lisa123]

You have my every sympathy. Since I became a mum my OCD has become really bad, mainly fixatating on my daughter. It's v distressing but I've never been honest with my gp about my obsessions as I'm too scared they will take my daughter off me!  I stress I've just said I have panic attwcks and been prescribed antidepressants which have helped somewhat and read self help books. I wish I was as brave as you! It's a horrible thing to go through but you can get better.

feel free to pm me if you wish x

[dksea]

2 hours ago, Coffeecake said:

Also, I'm struggling to give myself permission to treat this as OCD because at the moment I feel like I should be going to the police or a secure hospital and that treating it as OCD is just denying the truth and is a get out clause.

Yes, absolutely treat it as OCD.  The doubt you describe is common amount OCD sufferers.  There are active threads on this forum right now with people going through the same OCD doubt.  That you think about turning yourself in or being locked up rather than wanting to hurt your child demonstrates that this is contrary to your beliefs and is an intrusive thought.  I went through similar doubt when I was dealing with intrusive thoughts about self-harm.  I was both afraid that if I told my therapist/doctor that they would commit me, and also afraid that I SHOULD be committed to prevent myself from harming myself.  But the medical professionals I worked with were not at all concerned about me being a risk to myself, in fact they felt I was about as far from it as you could get precisely because the idea cause me so much anxiety.
 

3 hours ago, Coffeecake said:

Also, I'm not sure if I need meds, sometimes, like at work today, I felt pretty level, but back at home my tummy is churning and I want to cry. I find my mood a little low but that I'm quick to anger.

Medication is an option, of course, but really it will depend on what you and your doctor decide you are comfortable with and what would help you.  Some of us take SSRI medication long term to help handle our OCD, others don't use it, and both approaches can work, it depends on the individual. Additionally there are medications you can take, it varies by country and what not, for help dealing with acute anxiety such as panic attacks.  When I had my first panic attack my doctor prescribed a low dose of a sedative for a few months while things settled back down.  I didn't like the side effects of how drowsy it made me so I got off it as soon as possible, but I had small prescription for when I had future panic attacks that was helpful for awhile.  There are many different approaches to how to best handle a given situation, its all about finding the right balance for your needs.  Talking with your doctor and being as honest as possible is generally the best place to start!

[Coffeecake]

Thank you both so much for your kind words, the support on here is invaluable. 

Lisa, will pm you x

[Coffeecake]

6 hours ago, dksea said:

 I was both afraid that if I told my therapist/doctor that they would commit me, and also afraid that I SHOULD be committed to prevent myself from harming myself.

OCD is a tricksy monster isn't it? Totally understand this x