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worrying after the fact


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I find one of the more challenging aspects of my ocd is feeling fine about something at the time and then later obsessing about it and it then resulting in lots of compulsions and then I wish I had just done the one smaller compulsion in the first place as then I wouldn't be caught up in all the extra compulsions later.

like today, I worried slightly about a contamination thing, but I didn't do much about it, just moved on with my day. but later the moment hit me in the gut, and then I wanted to clean everything but everything seemed worse because the contamination feeling now had spread further since I hadn't just washed the one thing in the first place, so the germs would have gone from one contained place to multiple places.

So then I tell myself, well next time I will just do the one smaller compulsion right away and avoid all this extra worry.

I know its faulty thinking, but it's really hard for me to not think that way because I often can't stop myself doing all the extra compulsions later which just ruins my day and tires me out.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, if anything, in terms of response. It's just something I'm observing that is really holding me back and I find it hard to work with.

 

 

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The real truth is that there is no contamination and therefore no need for any compulsions of any kind. 

Contamination OCD is purely in the mind of the sufferer. 

And the connections it dreams up are exaggerated over-elaborations that non-sufferers don't see so don't treat as alarms. 

The classic definition of contamination OCD is exaggeration of nil or minimum risk. 

You might say, as I was an insurance broker dealing with assessment of and solutions to risk on a daily basis, I would take an even more guarded approach to risk than anyone else. 

But I don't think this is so. I simply did, and do now, use simple knowledge and assessment, common sense and follow guidelines. 

For example, I am sick with a virus at the moment and am taking care to ensure I take the right dose age of Night and Day Nurse tablets. 

Contamination OCD sufferers see risk where others don't, exaggerate link and catastrophise it. 

To get better, that perception must be challenged with the cognitive part of CBT, then this followed up with ERP, and compulsions eased away. 

Edited by taurean
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3 hours ago, leif said:

 

like today, I worried slightly about a contamination thing, but I didn't do much about it, just moved on with my day. but later the moment hit me in the gut, and then I wanted to clean everything but everything seemed worse because the contamination feeling now had spread further since I hadn't just washed the one thing in the first place, so the germs would have gone from one contained place to multiple places.

 

Hi leif, 

Your first reaction is the one to go with. That hitting you in the gut feeling later is the intrusive feeling that there was something wrong. 

3 hours ago, leif said:

So then I tell myself, well next time I will just do the one smaller compulsion right away and avoid all this extra worry.

 I know its faulty thinking, but it's really hard for me to not think that way because I often can't stop myself doing all the extra compulsions later which just ruins my day and tires me out.

You've got a good insight in to what's going on and I know it's so hard to do, but stopping that one smaller compulsion right away is really important to break free from. Doing that one compulsion just keeps you stuck. It's the easiest thing to do for short term relief, but it's important to look at the bigger picture. Then there's that intrusive feeling that's setting off a false alarm and it's responding to that too that keeps you stuck and the thought of doing those extra compulsions feels like you can justify doing just that one smaller one. But it's all a vicious, horrible cycle and it has to be nipped at the intrusive thought/feeling by not engaging and just noticing. 

I know what you mean when you say that you can't stop all of those extra complusions that ruin our days, but in reality we can stop them. We might think we can't, but we can. Sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's harder to stop them, but as you know it's those that keep us stuck. And do they really make you/we feel better? 

Take care and keep fighting x

Edited by Emsie
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Thanks so much to you both for your thoughtful replies.

4 hours ago, Emsie said:

Then there's that intrusive feeling that's setting off a false alarm and it's responding to that too that keeps you stuck and the thought of doing those extra compulsions feels like you can justify doing just that one smaller one. But it's all a vicious, horrible cycle and it has to be nipped at the intrusive thought/feeling by not engaging and just noticing. 

yes you're right it is a vicious cycle that I tend to get caught in--ocd tricking me into thinking that if I just do this one small compulsion in time then I won't have to do a bunch later...but I know it ends up to be just more and more compulsions to try and feel safe...

4 hours ago, Emsie said:

I know what you mean when you say that you can't stop all of those extra complusions that ruin our days, but in reality we can stop them. We might think we can't, but we can.

you're right. we can...I am glad to say that after slipping into a bunch of compulsive cleaning, I was able to stop after I wrote that post and at least avoided taking a second shower that I was tempted to take. The contamination feeling continues and I'm feeling sad and stuck still but will do my best to continue resisting further compulsions around this.

 

4 hours ago, taurean said:

Contamination OCD sufferers see risk where others don't, exaggerate link and catastrophise it. 

yes very true taurean...I know I'm exaggerating risk all the time!

 

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Hi leif :),

First, I just want to send you a big HUG :hug::hug::hug:and tell you that you are not alone about how you feel.

Second,  You have to keep in mind that what you have described is the way how OCD works. Keep in mind that the small compulsions and the big compulsions are just OCD, and OCD is nothing more than a big number of lies, small lies and big lies. So, when you start to do big compulsions remember that nothing bad is going to happen if you don't do these compulsions because is just OCD. 

I send you more hugs :hug::hug::hug:

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16 hours ago, leif said:

yes you're right it is a vicious cycle that I tend to get caught in--ocd tricking me into thinking that if I just do this one small compulsion in time then I won't have to do a bunch later...but I know it ends up to be just more and more compulsions to try and feel safe...

Me too, I can so easily get caught in it too. When I don’t it is when I haven’t engaged initially. I find it harder at certain times of the month and if I’m tired/run down. One thought can affect me so badly and I go straight in to panic mode, but on another day I can be so much more resilient to it. That’s one reason why looking after ourselves too is so important. 

16 hours ago, leif said:

you're right. we can...I am glad to say that after slipping into a bunch of compulsive cleaning, I was able to stop after I wrote that post and at least avoided taking a second shower that I was tempted to take. The contamination feeling continues and I'm feeling sad and stuck still but will do my best to continue resisting further compulsions around this.

That’s so good you were able to stop, well done. I really hope you’re feeling less sad and stuck now. Keep going and I hope you’re ok. X

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Thanks Emsie :) 

Yes I've noticed that too--fatigue and stress and other things can really let the ocd get the upper hand!

I managed to continue not doing more compulsions around this latest one and started feeling better around it.

Thanks a lot for your support!

 

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6 hours ago, leif said:

Thanks Emsie :) 

Yes I've noticed that too--fatigue and stress and other things can really let the ocd get the upper hand!

I managed to continue not doing more compulsions around this latest one and started feeling better around it.

Thanks a lot for your support!

 

You’re so welcome leif :yes:

I’m so pleased you were able to continue not doing any more compulsions. Well done! So glad you’re feeling better about it. X

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Hey Leif,

this is exactly what happened to me after I started ERP. During the therapy sessions we did some exposures that I found difficult but it felt manageable. Then several days later I started to obsess about them. It took me a while to wrap my head around this and I had to talk to my therapist about it too. I came to the conclusion that this response was part of the process. I told myself that I would feel the sting of the exposure beyond the therapy session and that this didn’t mean it had gone wrong, it was simply the necessary part of the process and what I had to learn to deal with. 

I think when we decide to do exposures, our logical side is at the forefront and we know we are doing the right thing. Then later on, we are resting our logical side (because it can’t be on all the time) and this is when OCD creeps in and makes us doubt the work we have done. I think learning to challenge these moments is really critical, because we can’t always be conscious of every action and do everything deliberately. The exposures have to become things we don’t give much thought to after a certain point. 

So I think these moments are just part of the process for you and I think that a big step is recognising and accepting that the anxiety will also come a while later and that we can still cope with it! 

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Thanks Malina...yes will need to start preparing to deal with the blows that come later in a more constructive way...

i find if i know I'm doing an exposure on purpose I'm sort of ready for the anxious thoughts, even when they come later...I often go around feeling contaminated for days but as long as i went in knowingly i seem ok with that, as I've thought out and accepted the level of risk. But the surprise exposures, where i don't even think something is going to be an issue for me, then jumps out and takes me by surprise later with the intrusive thought blow to the gut, are the ones I really struggle with!

Now that that's more in my awareness hopefully will be ready to work more with the cbt to deal with it!

Thanks for your insight and support!

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1 minute ago, leif said:

i find if i know I'm doing an exposure on purpose I'm sort of ready for the anxious thoughts, even when they come later...I often go around feeling contaminated for days but as long as i went in knowingly i seem ok with that, as I've thought out and accepted the level of risk. 

 

That's exactly it, when you're actively doing the exposures you are prepared for what's to come. The point is that real life isn't about exposures, it's about living and taking things as they come. So I think you're right that being aware of the long term blows will help. You're on the right track, this stuff just takes time and practice!

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