I'm back. Bad day.

[ocdsufferer85]

Been doing alot better with the rumination and the reassurance seeking etc. 

I decided to not bother with it and shut it down when it tries to get me. 

But some days triggers just set me off again and I cannot help but ruminate. I know it doesn't help but when ocd creates what seems a stronger new doubt then I can't help but question and replay things again.

I'm stuck today worrying and wondering if people feel they partially acted on their fear before panicking? 

 

[Coffeecake]

2 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

wondering if people feel they partially acted on their fear before panicking? 

Not quite sure what you mean here? I'm sorry you're having a bad day, it's a hard fight. 

[ocdsufferer85]

14 minutes ago, Coffeecake said:

Not quite sure what you mean here? I'm sorry you're having a bad day, it's a hard fight. 

I feel like I got the thought from ocd "you could just do it now"  (my fear is speaking a bad thought to god)

And I felt myself almost letting stuff out, because I was sure I wouldn't...because it's the last thing I'd ever want, I felt over confident in those moments.

And I ended up thinking into speaking under my breath, and I noticed myself moving my mouth, like mouthing..i don't know why...if it was a test or I was proving I wouldn't, I don't know. I didn't say it but I've beaten myself up for years for letting this happen.

I fear that in that moment I risked it and decided to try and speak this thought even though I didn't want to.

Like did I get an urge and just out of nowhere want to see if I would do it, but I don't see why, I have no desire to.

So I'm worried I tried to act on ocd.

I don't know what memories are real anymore.

 

[PolarBear]

You're right back to analyzing that one moment again. That is exactly what you don't want to do. Go back to your exposures.

[ocdsufferer85]

33 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You're right back to analyzing that one moment again. That is exactly what you don't want to do. Go back to your exposures.

Can I just say, exposures would be saying it, I'm crippled with fear that I tried to and it's ruined me for all this time and never lessened, so why would exposure help me, it's horrible. 

I get exposure for harm etc you can see the proof infront of you that you infact won't stab someone etc.

But how do I know the outcome of something that happens when I die, I don't get that proof. So it's a million times harder when you are so terrified of this. 

I'm not having a go I'm actually asking for some advice on this polar, and I know I'll get told that it's irrational but how do you know? I don't get any peace exposing myself to this.

I know 100% that if I spoke this I'd be ruined. 

At least now it's about guilt that I might have acted on an urge or something, and that it's something I didn't know was gonna happen, I know I didn't consciously choose to speak so ocd is fooling me.

But to say it is game over, I don't want to ever say it.

Edited March 3, 2019 by ocdsufferer85

[malina]

1 hour ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Can I just say, exposures would be saying it, I'm crippled with fear that I tried to and it's ruined me for all this time and never lessened, so why would exposure help me, it's horrible. 

I get exposure for harm etc you can see the proof infront of you that you infact won't stab someone etc.

But how do I know the outcome of something that happens when I die, I don't get that proof. So it's a million times harder when you are so terrified of this. 

I'm not having a go I'm actually asking for some advice on this polar, and I know I'll get told that it's irrational but how do you know? I don't get any peace exposing myself to this.

I know 100% that if I spoke this I'd be ruined. 

At least now it's about guilt that I might have acted on an urge or something, and that it's something I didn't know was gonna happen, I know I didn't consciously choose to speak so ocd is fooling me.

But to say it is game over, I don't want to ever say it.

Hey,

I think the problem for you is that you're attributing so much meaning to a single phrase. I completely understand that from a religious standpoint saying this has terrible consequences. However, you've said yourself that the consequences are for people who say it and actually mean it - in your case, saying it would be part of your treatment so that you can stop feeling compelled to say it. I don't know how you'd deal with this as an exposure, I think this is something you should really raise to your therapist and work through together, you need the cognitive side of things as well as the exposure.

However, I do think you need to teach yourself to stop giving this phrase so much value. So you may/may not have said it many years ago, you can't change it now but you can understand that it was down to OCD and not your own beliefs. You just have to learn to accept this and move on with your life. 

[PolarBear]

I understand you fear something. All sufferers do. And they are always irrational fears. Always.

Your situation is exactly like someone who fears they will stab someone. Sure they can see thry don't, but the fear doesn't go away. What about next time? And the next time.

Exposures work, if you do them right and repeatedly. For a long time, if necessary.

[ocdsufferer85]

8 hours ago, malina said:

Hey,

I think the problem for you is that you're attributing so much meaning to a single phrase. I completely understand that from a religious standpoint saying this has terrible consequences. However, you've said yourself that the consequences are for people who say it and actually mean it - in your case, saying it would be part of your treatment so that you can stop feeling compelled to say it. I don't know how you'd deal with this as an exposure, I think this is something you should really raise to your therapist and work through together, you need the cognitive side of things as well as the exposure.

However, I do think you need to teach yourself to stop giving this phrase so much value. So you may/may not have said it many years ago, you can't change it now but you can understand that it was down to OCD and not your own beliefs. You just have to learn to accept this and move on with your life. 

I know, I just can't understand how people can say this sentence and not be afraid, even someone very religious said it twice to show me, she isn't atall worried. I didn't say it but OCD always says but what if you did, and you tried so you're to blame anyway, I'm sick of feeling so crushed by this illness...an illness that makes you doubt it's an illness. 

Edited March 4, 2019 by ocdsufferer85

[ocdsufferer85]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I understand you fear something. All sufferers do. And they are always irrational fears. Always.

Your situation is exactly like someone who fears they will stab someone. Sure they can see thry don't, but the fear doesn't go away. What about next time? And the next time.

Exposures work, if you do them right and repeatedly. For a long time, if necessary.

OK thank you, these blips are awful it's like a battle I can't win

[ocdsufferer85]

9 hours ago, malina said:

I think the problem for you is that you're attributing so much meaning to a single phrase. I completely understand that from a religious standpoint saying this has terrible consequences. However, you've said yourself that the consequences are for people who say it and actually mean it - in your case, saying it would be part of your treatment so that you can stop feeling compelled to say it. I don't know how you'd deal with this as an exposure, I think this is something you should really raise to your therapist and work through together, you need the cognitive side of things as well as the exposure.

It's ever since I read about this that I've obsessed, it scared me beyond anything I've ever known and ocd latched on.

It's something I'd never even have known about and certainly something that would never be in my head. 

It's because it scares me so much that it's there, before I read it I would never have even known about this part of the Bible, I'm unable to read the Bible due to ocd twisting everything anyway.

I just know I believe in jesus, I want to be a good person, and all that other stuff scares and upsets me deeply. I just want a peaceful life and not to do bad things. Whatever I fear the most ocd uses against me it's just this particular subject has scared me the most out of anything in life so it won't budge.

Everyone tells me it's nothing, religious people, therapist, family etc, empty words are meaningless and I shouldn't fear it.

The actual sentence that I fear is not even my own, it was just another intrusive thought that flew in with no warning! It's the OPPOSITE of what I think.

It's just this horrible illness has made it such an obsession it's hard to unravel it after so long, I'm used to day after day worry and I'm a slave to anything ocd says. 

My fear was having bad thoughts so of course they came flooding in none stop causing me years of misery, fear, anxiety, total shame and guilt. 

Then it moved on to "speaking" and that then became the next obsession, but it was instantly created because for once in all the years of suffering I felt that ocd couldnt win this one. I relaxed for the first time, thinking there was no way I'd mess this up.

And by the slightest of moves I end up worried sick that I've done something wrong, it makes you feel like you can do an action, which then makes you question yourself, and I end up feeling sick with guilt because in my eyes I was "reckless" and "I must have tested it" 

But it's not what I want.

How can an illness latch on to such a tiny moment in time. 

[PolarBear]

Oh, that's what it does. OCD latches onto insignificant thoughts and screams at you that they are really important. And then you do compulsions and that thought becomes stuck. And the more compulsions you do, the more stuck it becomes.

[ocdsufferer85]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Oh, that's what it does. OCD latches onto insignificant thoughts and screams at you that they are really important. And then you do compulsions and that thought becomes stuck. And the more compulsions you do, the more stuck it becomes.

Why is it so easy to trick us? 

[PolarBear]

Who knows. Why are you so fearful of a few words when no one else is? We don't know but we know how to fix it.

[ocdsufferer85]

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Who knows. Why are you so fearful of a few words when no one else is? We don't know but we know how to fix it.

Why does it bother me but not others though, I'm sure something is not right in my brain

[ocdsufferer85]

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Who knows. Why are you so fearful of a few words when no one else is? We don't know but we know how to fix it.

Will I feel OK one day? Is it common to feel in such a dark place with ocd