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A relapse: What I’ve learned


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I’ve been in an OCD relapse for about 6 months at this point, maybe longer. Over the past few weeks I’ve made pretty unbelievable progress and am starting to get to a point I never thought I’d get back to, where I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m not out of the woods yet but I have learned a crazy amount of things about myself and about this disorder in the process, and I think sharing it would maybe be beneficial to others.

First off, and this is a big one- I realised how many mistakes I was making when it came to engaging with intrusive thoughts and how I didn’t even notice. I’d been practically OCD free for a good 3 or 4 years but I realise now that whenever I did get an obsession or intrusive thought, how I was dealing with it the complete wrong way. A lot of the time, I’d engage with it and try to reason with it or figure it out. And every time I did, it always gained more weight. I completely ignored applying the steps of identifying, revaluing and refocusing the thoughts. At the time I didn’t even realise how I was doing the wrong thing! It’s shown me how easy it was to slip out of routine and forget that engaging with an OCD thought or feeling doesn’t work. I will certainly be keeping an eye on this in future and ALWAYS remember the steps to take against it.

Secondly, being in the darkest depths of this relapse has shown me, or rather reminded me, of the extent to which OCD will go to keep you stuck and how easy it is to comply with it when you’re panicking. I cannot believe how badly I was keeping myself in a loop. I knew that letting it go and revaluing it as an OCD thought/feeling would solve it. But the irresistible urge to gain that 100% certainly was nightmarishly strong. I couldn’t just sit with it. I couldn’t let it go. I HAD to have a conversation with the thought and try to reason with it. I resorted to reassurance seeking on the internet. And every time I did, it just sent me deeper into the relapse. 

Thirdly, I’ve seen how all the actual real life stress I was experiencing resulted in a lot of my OCD. Last spring is where I felt the change that I wasn’t dealing with my OCD as well as I used to. I was slipping into compulsions a lot more, but it was bearable. However, when my grandmother died in the Autumn is when I started to REALLY feel like the wheels were coming off. I started getting worse, and I dealt with it wrong. My birthday came up and was ruined by my OCD because of the ironic stress of NOT wanting it to be ruined by OCD. My job became increasingly stressful because money got tight and my colleagues were fighting a lot. And, now, I’m leaving that job in persuit of an amazing and exciting opportunity. And the stress of that also sent my OCD nuts.

In summary, I can see how a culmination of things led to my relapse. And I just refused to admit that it was happening. ‘I don’t have OCD anymore, I deal with it just fine, so why is this happening to me???’ was all I could think. I wanted to believe I didn’t have it anymore because the stressful thought of going through it all again was too scary. So I forced it out! And all it did was damage me because I didn’t see that I was doing ALL the wrong things. I’ve learned a lot, but the most important thing I’ve learned is that my OCD will always be a part of who I am. It’s about how I deal with it that is the difference between where I was for 3 years, practically free of OCD, and where I am now.

I still have a ways to go- I still engage with compulsions because I feel like I need that certainty. But I’m spotting this and sitting with the anxiety MUCH better now. The sub-conscious clarity that you gain by allowing your OCD to be there has started to come back. Hopefully this insight will be able to stop somebody else going through what I just had. ALWAYS remember your tools for dealing with OCD and always keep them handy.

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Thanks for the encouraging words PolarBear :) I think the biggest thing to take from it all is just how it’s easy for anyone to find themselves doing this. As you know, I’d already had a pretty good run with keeping the OCD down. But all it took was a few compulsions before that turned into a relapse. I started doing compulsions, which fed the doubt, which lead to me reassurance seeking and trying to reason with myself... then, when I realised I was slipping, the panic of that realisation lead to more compulsions. ‘Oh god no, not this again, I can’t do this again!’ Cue even more reassurance seeking etc. Before I knew it, I was exactly where I feared being because I couldn’t just let it go. What once came so naturally to me was completely forgotten in the place of constant rumination, checking, and reassurance. 

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Ollie I’ve been going through a relapse for about 4 months myself and I feel like I could have written this! I feel the exact same way. I think that relapses are somehow useful in that overcoming them makes us learn more and makes us stronger. I’m happy you’re getting better and you should feel proud for realising all of this!

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Thanks so much for sharing that Ollie. Very encouraging and helpful!

I haven't been having a full on relapse, but have been having some setbacks recently and am doing what I can to try and apply what I can to not slip too far as I have gone that path into full on relapse before!

So glad for you that you are doing so much better!

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This is so inspiring Ollie thank you! I'm in the midst of a terrible relapse at the moment, I feel like I've forgotten everything and I'm scared I'm becoming what I fear. But I know deep down I'm not and just need to carry on treating these as OCD thoughts and feelings and not try and figure them out. This has definitely inspired me to do so! Thank you and best of luck with your continued recovery! x

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4 hours ago, malina said:

Ollie I’ve been going through a relapse for about 4 months myself and I feel like I could have written this! I feel the exact same way. I think that relapses are somehow useful in that overcoming them makes us learn more and makes us stronger. I’m happy you’re getting better and you should feel proud for realising all of this!

Absolutely, Malina. This experience I think will be very valuable to me in the long run, because as I get better, I’ll be able to remember it for next time things get tough! Thanks for the kind words! 

4 hours ago, leif said:

Thanks so much for sharing that Ollie. Very encouraging and helpful!

I haven't been having a full on relapse, but have been having some setbacks recently and am doing what I can to try and apply what I can to not slip too far as I have gone that path into full on relapse before!

So glad for you that you are doing so much better!

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time Leif, but you know you can do this because you’ve already done it :) you’re doing all the right things, just keep an eye out for those sneaky, covert things that can make you slip up. Setbacks are hard but we can always bounce back! 

3 hours ago, jlmdfem said:

This is so inspiring Ollie thank you! I'm in the midst of a terrible relapse at the moment, I feel like I've forgotten everything and I'm scared I'm becoming what I fear. But I know deep down I'm not and just need to carry on treating these as OCD thoughts and feelings and not try and figure them out. This has definitely inspired me to do so! Thank you and best of luck with your continued recovery! x

Jlmdfem, I know exactly what you’re talking about because that’s exactly how I felt until recently! You took the words out my mouth. It sounds like you have similar obsessions to myself so I can relate on that level as well. You know what this is and you know what you need to do- it can be so hard to actually do it sometimes, but remember to be kind to yourself :) I’m glad you could take away some encouragement from this!

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