I hate OCD

[raven]

I am so fed up of OCD.   I keep remembering awful things I've said or done and then I feel this rush of anxiety that makes me feel sick.  I know that I need to sit with the anxiety... but when it just washes over me like this I feel crazy... like I need to get rid of the feeling RIGHT NOW.  

I really want to confess because I know it will get rid of the anxiety but I can't keep doing this to the people who love me.

I don't know what I want you all to say.... I just have no one else to talk to without confessing and I feel alone.

[leif]

hi raven,

well you're definitely not alone! I sure can relate to your desire to get rid of that anxiety through doing compulsions. I really hate those floods of anxiety as well--horrible feeling!

good for you for not giving in! stick with it and remember that it will get better and that your only way out of this disorder for the long term is to sit through the anxiety as tough as that is.

wishing you well!

 

[Coffeecake]

Raven, same here. I find this the toughest part of my ocd because the thoughts and memories are of things I have actually, really, done. I'm really good at not confessing now, but I find the anxiety doesn't reduce. (Not doing compulsions for my other areas reduces the anxiety but not here.) I don't know if this is reassurance or not as I only had this thought this morning, and if it is reassurance I'm sure PolarBear will be here to tell me off , but it has helped me today. I imagined two lists, one of all the things I've done of which I am ashamed and can't believe I've "got away with", one with all the good things I've done on. Then I pictured each action being assigned a colour, and then saw how beautiful those lists looked together, a whole rainbow. I am a beautiful rainbow!! Twee as it sounds, its helped me. I think for these ocd obsessions linked to real events, for me, acceptance forms a large part of beginning to recover. I can't say it's absolutely not me, and there is no evidence against the thought, because it was me and there's loads of evidence for the thought. So the work is on accepting imperfection, failure, and working on self love. 

Good luck

Edited March 5, 2019 by Coffeecake

[PolarBear]

Coffee, lol, am I that bad? I'd call what you do turning a negative into a positive. Nice visualization actually.

[Coffeecake]

Haha, not at all Polar! If you were that scary I wouldn't have joked about it  

[PolarBear]

[raven]

Thank you for your kind thoughts Leif and Coffeecake.  I like your rainbow idea... And I like how in your image there's no tally between the 'good'and 'bad' actions.

It's comforting to think that there are other people with the same problem all pushing through the worries together.

[paradoxer]

Raven, my take, I'd say next time round try to aim for I despise or disdain my OCD rather than 'hate'. Hating it, gives it the power it wants. Better to give it contempt.