Dealing with setbacks

[malina]

Hi guys,

so in the last week I've been doing MUCH better with my OCD. I've actually had days where I felt really happy and thought to myself that everything was going to be okay and that I could enjoy life again, which has been great. However, some moments are not so great, like right now. I'm just feeling anxious with the same old harm thoughts, but because I haven't been having them constantly and non-stop like I have been for the past few months, they suddenly seem new and have a greater sting. It just makes me doubt whether I have truly made any progress. Like, my mind and my body just seem to react to these thoughts sporadically, sometimes they don't impact me and other times they seem real. I struggled massively with this harm OCD 10 years ago and then overcame it and kept it under control for years until a few months ago when it began to feel out of control again.

I am trying to be positive and tell myself that my current relapse that I've been going through for the last few months is nowhere near as bad as the period 10 years ago when this all started. Back then, it took a good year and a half until I was actually back to normal yet now I'm feeling better after just 4 months. It also hasn't been as severe or had such a major impact on my life.

I should expect these ups and downs but they are so frustrating, when you think you're getting better and then it returns. I'm afraid for the future, it feels like there is this shadow following me everywhere and I want it to end, I want to become stronger and defeat this once and for all. 

[malina]

After thinking this through for a few minutes I realised what the problem is. When I'm anxious all the time, I am always thinking about my therapy and all of the mechanisms I could use to deal with the thoughts, so when they strike, I am ready for them. As I've been feeling less anxious, I've been thinking less about OCD and more about real life. Then when the thoughts come to me, I don't have my arsenal ready to fight back. It takes a while to remember how to respond properly for the anxiety to go back down. This is exhausting but maybe just something that takes practice, just like everything else. 

I don't know why, but I just needed to write this out. 

Edited March 8, 2019 by malina

[leif]

Hi Malina,

Thanks for posting this. I'm going through a lot of ups and downs with this latest setback and can relate well to this!

I feel good for a while and seem to be dealing well with the intrusive thoughts and then something comes along to challenge me more fully. My body feels tense with the anxiety.

I keep debating about increasing meds...or just stay with what I'm at.

3 hours ago, malina said:

As I've been feeling less anxious, I've been thinking less about OCD and more about real life.

 

That is great that you are generally feeling less anxious and are able to get on more with things. Stay on track and keep up the good fight  

wishing you continued wellness and full recovery!

[malina]

16 hours ago, leif said:

Hi Malina,

Thanks for posting this. I'm going through a lot of ups and downs with this latest setback and can relate well to this!

I feel good for a while and seem to be dealing well with the intrusive thoughts and then something comes along to challenge me more fully. My body feels tense with the anxiety.

I keep debating about increasing meds...or just stay with what I'm at.

 

That is great that you are generally feeling less anxious and are able to get on more with things. Stay on track and keep up the good fight  

wishing you continued wellness and full recovery!

Hey Leif,

this is what I'm feeling now, lots of ups and downs. When I have a blip like I am now, I start to worry that I haven't really made any progress at all and that I'm going to start getting worse again. I've been through so much in the last few months and I want it to be worth something.

I hope you feel better too, we just have to hang in there!

[Andrea]

3 hours ago, malina said:

I start to worry that I haven't really made any progress at all and that I'm going to start getting worse again. I've been through so much in the last few months and I want it to be worth something.

Hi malina ,

Every time you start to think that you "haven't really made progress", you have to remember that is your OCD that is making you doubt about it. You obviously have had progress. It is just this illness that make us doubt about everything we care.

Hang in there! Dont listen to your OCD!  

I send you a big HUG 

[leif]

7 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Leif,

this is what I'm feeling now, lots of ups and downs. When I have a blip like I am now, I start to worry that I haven't really made any progress at all and that I'm going to start getting worse again. I've been through so much in the last few months and I want it to be worth something.

Yes i know that feeling of getting worried when we have a bad day. my day yesterday was terrible and it can get pretty discouraging!

I try to write out my successes so I don't get too focussed on my slips as I can get really focussed in where I've failed and that just makes me feel worse. I know you've had a tonne of success lately so maybe write it out and review it to remind yourself in the harder times.

7 hours ago, malina said:

hope you feel better too, we just have to hang in there!

thanks yes! let's keep at it and we'll get through it!

[taurean]

This is good leif. OCD is an awfuliser, a negativity bias focuser. So steering our focus to our successes is a great tool. 

A setback is nothing more than a blip in reality. I struggled with this, and a setback could slide me down the snakes seemingly unable to hold onto any ladders. 

We need to use whatever mental tools are at our disposal to cling onto a ladder and break our fall. 

[malina]

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement everyone. I realised that I'm stuck in a bit of a pattern - I keep posting about setbacks/dips and how hard it is, overcome them and feel so much better, then dip again and despair, and I go around in circles like that. Maybe I just need to finally accept this, this is going to be a bumpy ride and setbacks do not mean that I am back at zero!! 

I like the idea of writing down successes, Leif. I think my biggest one in this current phase has been that last night, I simply accepted the anxiety and in doing so, made it go away. I told myself that it's simply okay to feel anxious. When I allowed myself to feel the anxiety, it actually started to go down. It was a good moment. I'm back to feeling anxious tonight, but I'll get through this one too and maybe feel even stronger tomorrow! 

[leif]

On ‎09‎/‎03‎/‎2019 at 17:00, malina said:

I think my biggest one in this current phase has been that last night, I simply accepted the anxiety

That's huge malina! Yes once we are able to accept the anxiety, and know we don't need for it to go away, and that it doesn't mean that there is necessarily anything wrong, we can really get ahead of the disorder. I'm really trying to work on that--especially the surprise anxiety moments when I'm not doing a planned exposure...it's a tough one!

On ‎09‎/‎03‎/‎2019 at 17:00, malina said:

I keep posting about setbacks/dips and how hard it is, overcome them and feel so much better,

I appreciate you writing about the bumpy ride as it makes me feel like I'm not alone! I can see you are well on the road to recovery so it gives me hope when I'm also having hard days to see that yes it is indeed part of all our journeys to have the ups and downs.

 

 

[malina]

5 hours ago, leif said:

That's huge malina! Yes once we are able to accept the anxiety, and know we don't need for it to go away, and that it doesn't mean that there is necessarily anything wrong, we can really get ahead of the disorder. I'm really trying to work on that--especially the surprise anxiety moments when I'm not doing a planned exposure...it's a tough one!

 

Hi Leif,

I completely relate when you say that you need to deal with the surprise anxiety moments. When we plan our exposures, sure it's scary but we know it's coming and prepare ourselves. We need to learn to apply the things we learn to the moments when anxiety comes in on its own because that is what will happen in our daily lives, we can't constantly live on alert and be prepared.

What I'm trying at the moment is to not run away from the anxiety. This is what I've always done, I start feeling anxious and I then I keep myself really busy so that I forget about it. The strategy works, but eventually it gets exhausting to constantly have to fill my time and to keep running away. I've been doing this most of my life and it's hard to change. So it was a good moment to just allow the anxiety to happen and to realise that it wasn't the end of the world.

5 hours ago, leif said:

I appreciate you writing about the bumpy ride as it makes me feel like I'm not alone! I can see you are well on the road to recovery so it gives me hope when I'm also having hard days to see that yes it is indeed part of all our journeys to have the ups and downs.

 

This makes me really happy, I'm so glad this can be useful! I think you're doing a great job too. Let's keep at it, we'll get there!