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OCD relapse thinking bad things in society are acceptable


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I’ve recently had a ocd relapse after being well for about 6 months and having no symptoms. 

I’ve been diagnosed by a number of different people and had many courses of cbt over the last 10 years. I also take sertraline. I’ve lived the last 15 years of so either suffering from ocd that debilitates my life or feeling happy and living a life free of ocd - there doesn’t seem to be an in between. 

My main issue is that I keep thinking things that are bad in society are acceptable e.g harming others, especially vulnerable people. I put these scenarios in my head and ask why are they bad and then I can’t come up with an answer and I’m scared what that makes me as a person. I just go over and over them.When I’m feeling good and well I can do the same thing and just tell myself that’s disgusting, not delve deeper and move on with my life. I’m worried that that’s not the real me though and really I’m a disgusting person that thinks doing bad things to vulnerable people is acceptable. 

I’ve been diagnosed by a few therapists that are experienced in ocd but I just haven’t heard of people having obsessions like mine before and I’m scared about the person I really am.

im living in a constant state of panic, worry, feeling evil, sick and wrong and it is making my life, work , relationships very very hard to cope with. I don’t want to do anything, See anyone and I’m not looking forward to anything, even though I have lots of lovely plans. 

Does anybody have any advice or wisdom for me? I’m getting pretty sick of living like this, feeling like this and it taking my life away from me overnight. Every relapse I’ve had had lasted more than 6 months and I’m so scared .Thank you x

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Rachel,

Yes relapses are so hard. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time :( 

I know I've had relapses in the past and currently I'm finding I'm slipping and I can easily get worried that it might get worse but really we just need to do our best to do the CBT work, and trust in the process and our therapists.

You say you've done CBT in the past--are you currently working with a therapist now, or do you have a cbt self help guide that can remind you of the work you need to do?

I hope you find some good support and connection on the forum and find others that can help make your journey to recovery an easier one.

Wishing you well.

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Hi Rachel. 

It's quite common in harm OCD to have these type of thoughts. 

With me, my mind would "scan" for nasty or violent stories, and the OCD would "team" up with the cognitive thinking distortion of "personalisation" to allege that I might act the same. 

I was taught to understand that this - the cognitive side - of OCD was how it was manifesting in my case. And that the OCD was targeting my true core values of love and care and alleging I could act opposite to them. 

You are distressed and depressed because of having those thoughts, and experiencing those feelings of being a bad person for having them. 

Don't be. We aren't responsible for having OCD thoughts - the blame lies with the OCD. 

So time to cheer up, remember your true core character values - which the OCD is targeting - remain in place. 

Don't listen to, believe or connect with those intrusions. The more you do that, the stronger and more frequent they will become. 

Don't get pulled into mental debate. Just listen to what I am saying. Just note the intrusion, think "oh that's just my silly obsession" and get busy - gently but firmly easing the obsessional thought away. 

When you get good at this you will be back on the road to recovery. 

All the best Rachel 

Roy 

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Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

The problem with me is that my thoughts focus around pedophilia ocd and I know for sure that I would never do anything or have the desire to.

My current worry is that I can put scenarios in my head or even read about sexual abuse in a newspaper of something and just not feel anything . I don’t feel disgust and I’m trying to make myself feel disgust by going over and over scenarios seeing how they make me feel. But then I come up with questions, why is it even bad? Because children are innocent. But then what does innocent mean? And I get lost in a spiral, I feel high anxiety so I feel I need to sort these questions out. It makes me feel guilty and a bad moral person in society. But I know I’m a good person deep down but then why does this keep happening to me and if I read a story about sexual abuse why isn’t my first reaction disgust? 

ive suffered from this type of ocd or whatever it is for nearly 15 years now on and off so I don’t know if my thought and feelings are all muddled up. 

I just feel so increbiliy panicked, scared. anxious, upset, I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m so scared and worried for  my future. 

I have periods of feeling great and these thoughts/feelings don’t even bother me but I feel maybe that is me when I just ignore the real me. I’m so upset and scared and I just want to feel normal and have normal reactions to bad things in society like other people do.

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1 hour ago, rachel23 said:

My current worry is that I can put scenarios in my head or even read about sexual abuse in a newspaper of something and just not feel anything . I don’t feel disgust and I’m trying to make myself feel disgust by going over and over scenarios seeing how they make me feel. B

You don't have to feel disgust, Rachel. You don't have to feel anything. 

Going over and over to try to make yourself feel disgust - which your OCD is telling you you should be feeling in order not to be what OCD says you are - is carrying out a compulsion and playing into the hands of the OCD. 

It's OCD telling you these paedophile and harm thoughts. You know your true character values are not like that. 

OCD is demanding you need certainty to be as your true character values state. But this is not so. 

Stop carrying out the compulsions, trying to work it out. 

Just accept that the core belief of the OCD is wrong. When you get those thoughts, don't connect to them and understand that you don't have to feel revulsion. All you need do is recognise the thoughts as attributable to OCD and keep refocusing away from them. Treat them as just the silly worthless nonsense everyone else would. 

When this becomes your alternative default behaviour you will be on the way to recovery. 

Listen to WE here, not the OCD :)

 

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But what is ocd and what is me? Because I don’t feel disgust I have been trying to tell myself why sexual abuse is bad, because children are innocent, because they shouldn’t be taken advantage of but then I start delving into what does that even mean and I still don’t feel disgust and I think why is it bad that people have sex with children? And I still can’t come up with an answer or feel disgusted or horrified or like it’s a bad thing. Can that really be an ocd thought or is that really me? How can I be so messed up to think this? I’m so so upset about this. I think I am a good person and I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I was totally free from all these thoughts just over a week ago but when I was free of it all, was that just me putting the real evil me to the back of my mind? I’m so confused, upset and scared. I’ve got a million things I should be getting on with and just enjoying my life but it’s been taken away from me overnight yet again. I’m just so devastated, thank you for listening. 

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You need to stop carrying out those compulsions as it just keeps the problem going. 

Read my last post again Rachel. That is all you need to be doing. Not believing what OCD is telling you, which is keeping you stuck in this repeating cycle. 

It's quite normal in OCD for us not to be able to see this pattern - it's why this place, and those that have acquired the necessary understanding, can be so beneficial. 

Remember, your true character values are being challenged, but they remain in place. 

21 minutes ago, rachel23 said:

I think I am a good person and I’ve never hurt anyone in my life

No need to listen to OCD or allow it to ruin your life. 

Remember we can have good, free, spells. We should expect intrusions, be ready for them and not connect with them. That's what you need to do. 

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