Feeling guilty (but not for the reason you'd think!)

[Cub]

Hi y'all

It's my last day off for eight days, so here I am, making the most of a lie-in. I'm also really struggling with my feelings.

The last month I've been dealing with old OCD themes and it's been popping up at work, exacerbated by the fact that I've been put on shifts with not a great deal to do. My brain has been running over the same thing, over and over again and I've been stressed out. The crux of the issue is this: although I'm not a devout Christian, I still worry about my relationship with God and I've been into some pretty unconventional things that have caused me to worry - nothing harmful, just things that perhaps your average run-of-the-Mill Christian might not be into.

Anyway, I've spent a long time worrying about this. I made peace with the fact - pressed by my first psychologist, who is a Christian theologist - that I shouldn't be too rigid and it's good to be naughty, which is something pressed further by my darling late Nan, who was a Catholic and who was always quite cheeky!  But I've always struggled with how much is too much and wanting to set myself a line. 

Now, at work, I've discovered that two of my Christian colleagues are into the same thing; unafraid, unashamed, matter-of-fact. They believe in God and I've had conversations with them about it and it was just so...'what the heck.' I've spent most of my twenties worrying and they're fine with it. I know, I have OCD and that makes a difference but I'm just struggling to digest and feeling so guilty over the things I've done to myself; like I've made a fool of myself and over the bad thoughts I've had. I just worry about everything and it's getting to the point where my colleagues are starting to notice - my friend and manager spoke to me the other day, asking if I was okay because I've seemed stressed. But I've always been stressed, right from when I was a little girl.

It sounds stupid, maybe, but I can't help thinking it's not fair. Why is it so easy for everybody else? Why does everyone else get to worry about the ordinary things while I worry about the things inside my head which aren't really a problem? Why can't I stop worrying for one minute over the small stuff? Why is everyone else carefree while I have this weight on my shoulders?

I just feel like a complete moron. Why do I do this to myself?

C x

[taurean]

Wow cub, I am sorry you are feeling like this. 

But worrying and OCD do go hand in hand as I personally know only too well. 

I am a Christian too - initially brought up a methodist, then switched to C of E, then at college went Pentecostal but now I am more leaning towards the United Reformed Church. 

My own take of Christianity is very much geared to trying to be a good upright citizen and help others, but apply self-forgiveness if and when I feel I may have done wrong. 

This seems to sit nicely with me personally. 

Where those of us have OCD which operates around our religion then that must be horrible; but whatever the theme of our OCD it almost certainly is going to be horrible. 

We aren't bad for having unpleasant distressing OCD thoughts. OCD is to blame, hence the labelling, and reattributing steps within The Four Steps. 

I used to worry about all kinds of things and, as you may have seen me mention before, I overcame such worries by working, and reworking, the methods supplied in Dale Carnegie's excellent book "How to stop worrying and start living" and I recommend that original book - written in the 1950s and still relevant and available today - to all general worriers. 

Remember, OCD makes us feel bad about ourselves for experiencing the thoughts which are really attributable to the disorder. 

So applying self-love, self-forgiveness and kindness is a great healer I can recommend. 

[Cub]

Hi Taurean

Thankyou for your kind reply. I was worried about being ridiculed for my fears and it was nice to read such a lovely message. I've been working all week so didn't have a chance to sit down and write a proper reply until right now. 

I realise we're not to blame for our thoughts and feelings but I've been kicking myself for such a long time. People have been telling me for a long time I've been putting pressure on myself and I've been hearing it more recently. I guess I've thought I've always had to be really 'good' for God and felt I had to punish myself if I did something I perceived as wrong. It's no-one's fault; I came late to the church but in everything else in life - school, work, socialisation - I've been raised to give it 110% so tried to give religion the same. It's been a confusing and rather unpleasant journey. I guess because religion means a lot to me but punishing myself according to God seemed like the way to go; the only way to be a good Christian. 

I ought to read this book you mentioned. It feels like I worried my 20s away. That said, our 20s are a challenging time full of expectation, uncertainty and change and I did lose my Mum along the way, so that was always going to darken things. 

I'll try and self-love and self-forgive. Thankyou. C x