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Saz

It's been an extra tough few months.

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Hi everyone. Hope you are all doing well. 

Not been on in a few weeks due to a lot that has happened. I've not been in a good place at all and have been very down and stressed due to the breakup. My ex is just... Well I don't even recognise him, he's like a stranger in how he acts towards me, it's been truly awful. This stress in turn has caused me to pick up a very bad cold that I've not been able to shake for nearly a week.. I've not had a cold in such a long time.. So I forgot how rubbish it can make you feel. In the past my colds normally only last a couple days. 

My memory worry had taken a back seat because of having to deal the split. Here's the thing, I've started to worry that it's only been forgotten about and become less intense because I'm dealing with something else traumatic in the 'now'. I know if I don't focus on something it becomes less prominent in my mind. I'm talking about real things though. Plenty of bad real things have happened in the past, things I'd rather forget and I don't think about them now really... But that's not to say they didn't happen - because I know they did. I feel again now this is just the same for the memory from the wedding. Like this was the case all along and the ocd part is just the worry and obsession on whether or not it was real. 

I feel like I am right and my intuition is right on so many things it's unbelievable. Everything that's happened so far in regards to the breakup and knowing that my ex was going to leave me has happened, certain arguments, certain scenarios, have all came true. Its like my life is playing out how I imagined it would before it even haopened and so regarding the false memory I play out in my mind how that's going to unfold and I'm waiting for it to happen. I'm also so frightened my ex will end up with the 2 youngest. Please don't say this is magical thinking. 

I thought back today of how I panicked after the wedding and wanted to obtain cctv footage to check I didnt enter a toilet cubicle with anyone. There was an. Incident when I was 16, so 20 years ago, were I had been drinking (I know not big and not clever) with friends before attending a rugby presentation, and I am so ashamed to say I was that drunk that I tried to do a wee on the stairs, however I woke up the next day and remembered this and ran up to the place looking for cctv as panicked I would be on camera. It was that same horrible panic sinking feeling as I had after the wedding, only I don't know if my flashback was real and this is a much, much more serious matter. So it's like I believed it was real from the off and was I just looking for a camera to make sure I didn't get seen? This is bloody horrific. Can feel spiralling coming on again. As I'm tyling this, I'm not actually sure why I'm typing this. It's like a confession. 

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Hey Saz. Well, this is just more of the same old that you've been saying for five years. Nothing new. It's you trying to explain why your thoughts could be true. I'm sure you'd love some reassurance why you are wrong but it's long past the time we need to stop doing that.

You say real life events put the thoughts of that day on the back burner? Good. Keep them there. You've kept those thoughts alive with compulsions for at least five years. Nothing bad has happened and it's all been senseless. Are you going to keep them alive for another five years? And for what?

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Hi Saz

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it; it's not uncommon for OCD to flare up in times of stress and you sound very stressed. 

My advice is, please don't be too hard on yourself. I know you must be in a lot of mental anguish right now but I promise you it's going to be okay. Just take it easy, be kind with yourself while navigating the split and remember that OCD does come back to us during rough times. We all make mistakes and do things we're not proud of; don't beat yourself up for that or for mistakes you made while you were intoxicated. 

C x

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18 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Hey Saz. Well, this is just more of the same old that you've been saying for five years. Nothing new. It's you trying to explain why your thoughts could be true. I'm sure you'd love some reassurance why you are wrong but it's long past the time we need to stop doing that.

You say real life events put the thoughts of that day on the back burner? Good. Keep them there. You've kept those thoughts alive with compulsions for at least five years. Nothing bad has happened and it's all been senseless. Are you going to keep them alive for another five years? And for what?

Hey, how are you?

I know reassurance is the wrong thing polar bear. Just feeling overwhelmed really and seem to be focusing on some points which to me seem rational/plausable...and very scary. Its hard going. X

14 hours ago, Cub said:

Hi Saz

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it; it's not uncommon for OCD to flare up in times of stress and you sound very stressed. 

My advice is, please don't be too hard on yourself. I know you must be in a lot of mental anguish right now but I promise you it's going to be okay. Just take it easy, be kind with yourself while navigating the split and remember that OCD does come back to us during rough times. We all make mistakes and do things we're not proud of; don't beat yourself up for that or for mistakes you made while you were intoxicated. 

C x

Hey cub,

I don't worry too much really about silly things I've done in the past while drunk, because lots of people do that, but my big worry is horrific if true and its that torture of not properly knowing or at least realising that what I'm dealing with is just a shocking intrusive thought. How are you getting on? X

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22 minutes ago, Saz said:

not properly knowing or at least realising that what I'm dealing with is just a shocking intrusive thought.

The truth is Saz- you'll never know, you'll never be sure. You'll never be able to say 100% that it's an intrusive thought. I'll never be certain that I didn't attack a woman in 2004 after seeing it on the news and it feeling "familiar". Or that I didn't do something horrible to my baby niece when I was left with her. Or that I didn't do something disgusting to my cat...

We have to be comfortable with the not knowing. This is a hard thing to deal with on it's own. When you've got everything else going on it's no wonder it hits so hard.

Stick the advice you've been given above Saz. Try to let go of it- don't engage, try not to ruminate (I know this is really hard when it's almost automatic).

Hope you have a better day today

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On 12/03/2019 at 10:08, Binxy said:

The truth is Saz- you'll never know, you'll never be sure. You'll never be able to say 100% that it's an intrusive thought. I'll never be certain that I didn't attack a woman in 2004 after seeing it on the news and it feeling "familiar". Or that I didn't do something horrible to my baby niece when I was left with her. Or that I didn't do something disgusting to my cat...

We have to be comfortable with the not knowing. This is a hard thing to deal with on it's own. When you've got everything else going on it's no wonder it hits so hard.

Stick the advice you've been given above Saz. Try to let go of it- don't engage, try not to ruminate (I know this is really hard when it's almost automatic).

Hope you have a better day today

Hi binx. Hope you are well.

I just don't know what the hell to believe and so am silently arguing with myself-back and forth, yes you did, no you didn't. It really did take a back seat with all that has been going on with me but it never really goes away does it. I think part of me does believe now that 6 years have been and gone, surely I need to get a grip and know that nothing has come of anything and its nonsense. However im quickly stopped in my tracks when I see almost everyday news articles/stories with similar content to my worry but they have came out years or decades later. This is where I don't think I'm being irrational. x

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15 minutes ago, Saz said:

However im quickly stopped in my tracks when I see almost everyday news articles/stories with similar content to my worry but they have came out years or decades later. This is where I don't think I'm being irrational. x

This is the problem though Saz, you keep getting back on that merry go round and keep going round and round for even more years.  You have to learn the discipline of not engaging with, detaching from that conversation.  You can learn not to do that with time and constant repetition.  It does require hard work and resolve though

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2 hours ago, Saz said:

surely I need to get a grip and know that nothing has come of anything and its nonsense

Even then, you're trying to engage with it, justify your way out of it, reason with it. You don't need to do this.

Caramoole's right- you need to learn to detach from it... this will take time and discipline.

You can do this Saz.

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1 hour ago, Binxy said:

How are you doing today, Saz?

I'm really down in the dumps, my head is jumping from false memory to my breakup. I'm on antibiotics for a sinus infection and looks like my ex is going on his first date next Saturday... So yeah things are pretty rubbish. Sorry binx I should be grateful I'm here and have a roof over my head and beautiful kids and a lovely family. X

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21 hours ago, Caramoole said:

This is the problem though Saz, you keep getting back on that merry go round and keep going round and round for even more years.  You have to learn the discipline of not engaging with, detaching from that conversation.  You can learn not to do that with time and constant repetition.  It does require hard work and resolve though

Hey caramoole. I'm trying. I almost welcomed the relief of not worrying about it because the breakup was occupying my mind instead.. How backwards is that?! I don't want to be worrying about either of those horrible things. X

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Sorry Saz- that's a lot of emotion to be dealing with. Unfortunately, these are the times when the OCD thrives... You've listed some great positive things in that last sentence- try to focus on those. 

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2 hours ago, Binxy said:

Sorry Saz- that's a lot of emotion to be dealing with. Unfortunately, these are the times when the OCD thrives... You've listed some great positive things in that last sentence- try to focus on those. 

I am trying binx. I need to give my head a wobble! I have a big night out planned next Saturday to Liverpool for a friend's birthday and so am going all out, New outfit, hair and makeup done (something I never get done) I don't know what else I can do but give myself some nice things to look forward to and have as a distraction. I know when the time comes I won't want to go, especially as I know my ex will be wining and dining someone else-something he never wanted to do with me. X

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Bah! Treat yourself and go have fun. Put everything else on the back burner. Goodness knows, you deserve this.

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29 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Bah! Treat yourself and go have fun. Put everything else on the back burner. Goodness knows, you deserve this.

Thanks pb, you are right of course x

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Worried I'm going to get ill with all this worry and stress. Bit of a catch 22 situation I'm in! I can eat all the right foods and but if my mind isn't healthy then that's a big reason why I would potentially get not well. I was thinking cancer but now I'm thinking breakdown. X

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And now I'm back to that's bloody false memory after reading a news article ?

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Sounds like your mind is going jumping around at some speed. Try to be in the now- focus on what you're doing. We're going to get triggered, it's a fact- it's how we deal with triggers that's key.

Sorry I can't help more- reassurance is obviously not the way to go.

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35 minutes ago, Binxy said:

Sounds like your mind is going jumping around at some speed. Try to be in the now- focus on what you're doing. We're going to get triggered, it's a fact- it's how we deal with triggers that's key.

Sorry I can't help more- reassurance is obviously not the way to go.

Don't worry binx. 

Hardly slept at all x

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You need to make sure you're looking after yourself Saz- back to basics. Healthy food, plenty of water, trying to get into a good sleeping routine. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir in this case but sometimes it helps to be reminded. Look at some mindfulness relaxation techniques- there is tons of stuff on YouTube.

Make sure you get out this Saturday- even if you don't want to at first. Be with your friends, have a laugh, do some crazy dancing- you deserve it Saz.

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7 hours ago, Binxy said:

You need to make sure you're looking after yourself Saz- back to basics. Healthy food, plenty of water, trying to get into a good sleeping routine. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir in this case but sometimes it helps to be reminded. Look at some mindfulness relaxation techniques- there is tons of stuff on YouTube.

Make sure you get out this Saturday- even if you don't want to at first. Be with your friends, have a laugh, do some crazy dancing- you deserve it Saz.

Thanks binx. It's not till next Saturday thankfully. This Sunday is my toddlers christening and I'm barley on speaking terms with my ex so dreading that. Seems to be everything at once :(

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Saz just focus on the good things of the christening. Treat thoughts and worries about your ex like OCD intrusions. Get good sleep tonight xxx

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35 minutes ago, Orwell1984 said:

Saz just focus on the good things of the christening. Treat thoughts and worries about your ex like OCD intrusions. Get good sleep tonight xxx

Thanks my friend x going to bed now, hopefully feel a bit better tomorrow. How are things with you Orwell? X

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Hi Saz, hope you enjoyed some parts of yesterday and don't feel too drained! I'm ok, been doing short contract jobs and moved house. OCD has not been too bad. Trichotillomania (hair pulling problem) has improved a lot due to magnesium supplements I've been taking. If it gets to the point where I've been pull free for a long time, I'll write a detailed post about it. I just hope it's not a temporary placebo effect. I hope it's the real deal this time :) 

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