Guilt over past actions

[Anon23]

I’ve recently just randomly remembered something I did in the past to one of my friends and have been feeling real horrible about it. 

Sometime in the late 2000s when I was in HighSchool there was a lot of word of mouth about these “shock sites.” I remained ignorant of what they were besides knowing that they were all gross websites. Well around this time in HighSchool I was on a lot of medications that made me act contrary to who I was as a person. Such as, being more impulsive, not as caring, being cognitively out of it, amongst other things. But because of being on those medications I did a lot of things that I feel I wouldn’t have done in a million years. One of those things being a time when me and two other friends were talking about how there were these apparent gross websites and fooling around with each other on how you should check them; in a sarcastic type of way. Well I texted one of those two friends, who is 3 years younger than me, to check out one of those particular “shock sites” in a joking type of way, but I think at one point I said not to in that same text exchange. I had no idea what the website was at the time still. Many years later in 2011 or so, these “shock sites” were brought up again in a conversation somehow and he said I told him to check out a particular one. I replied that I didn’t, because at the time I didn’t remember that I did. But following that exchange the rest is too hazy for me to remember anymore accurately. I think he either described what the website was and we had a laugh or he jokingly said it traumatized him. For the latter scenario, I don’t know if I am misremembering him saying that and just thinking that he said that because of me being worried of it actually traumatizing him. I also am worried that he may have said something else that would make it more apparent as to how it affected him that I’m unable to remember.

I feel so disgusting for doing that to him and feel horrible. I’m so worried that my actions significantly impacted him in some way, especially since he is 3 years younger than me. In the present, he seems perfectly fine and is doing really well. He graduated College and is a good friend to me. But I still worry that I negatively impacted him in some significant way. And besides that I just feel awful that I did what I did at all. Like, I feel sick to my stomach to expose someone else to something possibly horrific.

Below is description as to what the site contained. Please do not read if you have any triggers related to sex.

(Triggers for sex related OCD!)

Yesterday I Googled what that particular website entailed and read what it was. It said it was 3 elderly men on a bed kissing and doing other ‘mouth things.’ There was apparently a funny song playing on the website and it may have been a moving image and not an actual video.

(Triggers for sex related OCD above!)

Is what I exposed him to really bad? Reading up on it briefly online others have said that it is relatively tame compared to other things, but that doesn’t really make me feel better about it. I just feel really horrible and don’t know what to do. I know he isn’t easily fazed by things considered gross in comparison to me, but I still worry that what I did greatly affected him. And I’m also worried about not being able to remember what was said when it was brought up again years later.

 

[PolarBear]

What you do is nothing. Get on with your life. OCD is trying to make a big issue out of nothing.

[Anon23]

Yeah, I think you’re right.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.