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I'm tired and I know you are all tired of me. I'm just walking around just feeling lifeless. I'm just confused all the time. It feels as though I can't trust myself that everything I want is a lie, I don't relate to anyone. I feel like it shifts and changes I don't know. I wish I had a way to know for sure. Nothing is working out right now and I'm scared that's because that's the way I'm built. I'm scared that everything that is claimed to be OCD is true and the person I'm comfortable with isn't. I'm scared because whenever I go and do something I want it's awful or I fail at it. It feels like a way to stay in denial. I don't do compulsions. The thing is I can see when people have OCD, and it's awful reading the posts of those genuinely struggling and then there's me just looking for an excuse. I do feel guilty. 

 

After looking up other forums - it's seems that this wasn't OCD. I'm a liar.

Edited by don't know

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You are wrong. You do compulsions. We've been over this several times. Number one compulsion: Ruminating. Number two: Googling and going to those other websites. You do loads of compulsions.

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But the information seems to line up now. I'm terrified I wrote down my worst fears and it seems like they have come true. I feel ill now whenever I think about what I wanted. OCD doesn't do that - denial and repression does that. I'm constantly trying to see how I feel and then I get immense anxiety. Wouldn't that indicate that I'm lying? I'm a fraud. 

Edited by don't know

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

OCD doesn't do that

Yes it does.  Fears can absolutely come true with OCD.  Some people fear getting sick, well people get sick. Some people fear getting in an accident, well people sometimes have accidents. The problem with OCD is not that fears can happen (of course they can, we live in an imperfect world) its that the level of anxiety we feel is grossly disproportionate to the particular fear.  Yes, sometimes the fear/intrusive thought IS almost entirely imaginary and will realistically never happen, but it doesn't have to be.

 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I'm constantly trying to see how I feel and then I get immense anxiety. Wouldn't that indicate that I'm lying?

This is textbook OCD behavior.  It indicates you have OCD.  We aren't telling you this because we are lying to you, or enjoy torturing you.  We are telling you this because all the experience we have and all the knowledge about OCD we have indicates its true and we want to help you.  We WANT you to get past this, but we can't make you choose to accept it, you have to do that.

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You know what, if you are going to continue dismissing well thought out advice, regularly posting here that you don't have OCD and slamming yourself at every opportunity, I can't help you.

You ignore what we tell you. This is an OCD forum. We help sufferers of OCD. We can help you too but you have to accept thst help and at least listen. Otherwise, there is no use in continuing this conversation.

I'm not being harsh. I'm being realistic.

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So, my thoughts are real - there's no way to dismiss them. I give up completely. 

I do try and follow the advice but it hasn't worked. I've sought help and been on medication and it hasn't worked. 

Edited by don't know

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Could you tell us (me) what exactly you have been through (therapywise).

Have you done CBT and have you exposed yourself?

And a question I dont really like. If you are sure you are not having OCD why are you posting on a forum which is about OCD?

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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2 minutes ago, don't know said:

So, my thoughts are real - there's no way to dismiss them. I give up completely. 

I do try and follow the advice but it hasn't worked. I've sought help and been on medication and it hasn't worked. 

Then you do it again. And again. And you don't come on an OCD forum and regularly tell people you don't have OCD. What's with that? If you're so sure, what are you doing here?

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10 minutes ago, don't know said:

So, my thoughts are real - there's no way to dismiss them. I give up completely. 

ALL thoughts are real, either you have them or you don't.  But the MEANING doesn't have to be real.  I can have the thought "I am Superman, I can life this car off the ground!"  It does NOT mean I can actually lift the car off the ground.  Its just a thought.  I can have (and have had) the thought "Hmm I feel pain in my chest, I must be having a heart attack!".  I did not, in fact, have a heart attack.  A thought doesn't mean something is real.

If by dismiss a thought you mean make yourself never have it again, no thats not something you can control.  Some thoughts we actively choose to have, some happen because of our subconscious mind and an untold number of factors influencing it.  If you've struggled with an intrusive thought for a long time, chances are that thought will pop up for awhile, even when you start treatment.  If your goal is to never have an unwanted, unpleasant thought again for the rest of your life, you will almost certainly fail.  No one can do that, not even people who don't have OCD.  The goal in treatment is to reach the point where you no longer CARE about the intrusive thought, where you recognize it for meaningless noise and carry on even when the thought pops up.  My primary anxiety when I first got OCD was a fear of throwing up, especially in public.  It took time but I eventually reached the point where I no longer care much about that thought.  It doesn't mean I LIKE the idea of it happening, just that I don't panic every time something related to that thought occurs.  Sometimes I will still have the thought, its mildly unpleasant, and I just get on with my day.  It no longer causes me anxiety and suffering, its just a thought.

 

 

17 minutes ago, don't know said:

I do try and follow the advice but it hasn't worked. I've sought help and been on medication and it hasn't worked. 

Recovering from OCD is a process, it doesn't happen overnight.  Its like getting in shape.  You don't go to a trainer for a few sessions and become super fit.  You don't exercise for a couple weeks and become super fit.  You have to commit to a regular schedule of improvement, and unfortunately sometimes it takes longer than we'd like for us to reach our overall goal.  Further, when you go seek help you have to do more than just try the exercises, you have to accept the reasons behind them.  You have a history of denying that your problem is OCD.  Treatment is not going to be very effective (if at all effective) if you go in believing it won't work, or that you don't even have the problem in the first place.  Its like going to a gym, asking the trainer what workouts to do, and then ignoring their advice and telling them they are wrong.

As for medication, unfortunately its not a guarantee.  First, it can take time, weeks sometimes even a few months before you see the full results of a particular medication.  Second, it also can require adjusting the dosage to find the right level.  Third, you might need to try other medications.  What works well for one person might not work at all for another, there is a lot we don't know yet about psychopharmacology.  Finally, for some people, none of the medications usually used for OCD are particularly effective.  Thats unfortunate because its one tool less to turn to, but CBT alone can be effective and its unlikely you have exhausted all the possible medications and dosage combinations based on your comments so that problem is a long way off anyway.

 

23 minutes ago, don't know said:

I give up completely. 

I hope this is a statement made in frustration, understandable, we've all been there.  However, giving up is the only way to truly lose your battle against OCD, and I hope you will take some time to rethink it.  OCD can be overcome, and we are offering you the path to do that.  You can make the choice to stop rejecting our advice and start accepting it, but only you can do that.  Its completely up to you whether you want to continue down the path you are on now, which is clearly leading you to more and more suffering, OR to make the active choice to choose a new path.  We can't promise you a quick fix, or no problems along the way, but we can tell you that the evidence shows it works, and that in our own experience and the experience of many many many other people, its absolutely possible to go from where you are now, to where we are.  We want to help you, we want you to get better, but the choice is yours to make.  At some point we'll have done all we can and have to move on and help others who are struggling but willing to listen.  I sincerely hope you will reconsider your approach and let us help you.  But as PB says, if you won't listen we can't help you.

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I have done cbt and it hasn't worked. I don't know why I post, maybe I'm just faking or using this as a way to stay in denial. I'm not sure. 

 

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8 minutes ago, don't know said:

I have done cbt and it hasn't worked. I don't know why I post, maybe I'm just faking or using this as a way to stay in denial. I'm not sure. 

 

There are (probably) millions diffferent ways in which you can do CBT. 

Let me change that. You haven't yet faced the opportunity that all this fear isn't the problem. Solving the thoughts is not the solution, arguing with it isn't the solution.

You could be faking it. What about stop engaging in it?

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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One thing is really serious here. You are flat out lying to yourself that you are not doing compulsions. That is how far you have gone to let yourself get your reassurance. Stop letting it have control. Take back some of the control.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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4 hours ago, don't know said:

I have done cbt and it hasn't worked. I don't know why I post, maybe I'm just faking or using this as a way to stay in denial. I'm not sure. 

When you did CBT did you commit to it?  Did you work at stopping the compulsions like checking?  For CBT to work you have to actually commit to it, you can't just go to a few sessions with a therapist and talk with them, fill out a worksheet or two, etc.  CBT is something you do like a workout program, everyday usually for quite awhile.  Its a lifestyle change really.  And even if you have committed to it for awhile, there are many reasons you can struggle and fall away from it.  Overcoming OCD is like quitting smoking, it can take a while, and you may have to try a few times to really get it to stick.  That you continue to deny that you probably have OCD, that you continue to say you aren't doing any compulsions, those things make me doubt that you really committed to CBT because they are both incompatible views with doing CBT.  I'm not saying that to be hard on you, or make you feel bad, it is difficult to overcome OCD, but I think you need to hear the honest truth and confront that truth if you are going to get better.

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But if I stop engaging with it I'll never know. I don't trust myself or my feelings. Yes, I tried to stop behaviours but again it didn't work.

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

But if I stop engaging with it I'll never know.

Engaging with it hasn't helped you "know" either.  So why keep doing something that only causes you pain?
The reality is we can never be 100% certain about ANYTHING.  Its an impossibility.  For example, you are probably certain about your age.  But what if thats all an illusion?  What if you are a clone who was created yesterday and implanted with a set of memories?  What if this is all a simulation? What if you were born 3 months earlier and your parents lied to you about it for some reason?  You can come up with alternate explanations for literally any scenario.  The reality is we don't have to be 100% certain about anything, which is good since we can't.  Humans function just fine on being certain ENOUGH.  Unfortunately for those of us with OCD when it comes to intrusive thoughts we have been tricked into believing we have to be 100% certain about things, an impossibility.
You feel like you HAVE to know 100% for certain about your various intrusive worries, be it whether your emotions are "real" or other things.  But thats a lie.  You don't have to be 100% certain, you CANT be 100% certain.  You can absolutely live the rest of your life without being certain, you do it all the time about other things without even noticing.  You won't get the certainty you are looking for because you CAN'T.  Its impossible!  OCD or no, you can't get 100% certainty ever.  You can however, decide that you are certain enough and you are going to move on.  Its hard, because at first you will still have a lot of intrusive thoughts, but IF you keep at it, eventually your brain will learn that your intrusive thoughts aren't important, that the worry isn't necessary and it'll move on.  You won't care about these thoughts anymore because you will have accepted they don't have any real meaning, its just useless noise.

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They aren't intrusive thoughts though! I'm so scared, I don't know. Everything is a complete lie. I have so much proof to back all my worries up now. I literally just said everything is a lie and then felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Edited by don't know

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

They aren't intrusive thoughts though! I'm so scared, I don't know. Everything is a complete lie. I have so much proof to back all my worries up now. I literally just said everything is a lie and then felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

You really need to change somwthing here or it will be like this. 

An absolute minimum I would like to advice is to go over all of this when you are having less OCD thoughts. Maybe it is so that now you only reallly think about recovery when you are in thr grips of it.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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8 hours ago, don't know said:

But if I stop engaging with it I'll never know. I don't trust myself or my feelings. Yes, I tried to stop behaviours but again it didn't work.

How long did you stop? Recovering from this will take months of hard work.

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7 hours ago, don't know said:

They aren't intrusive thoughts though! I'm so scared, I don't know.

Its an unwanted thought that causes you distress and you can’t let go of, it’s absolutely an intrusive thought.  You express how it causes you anxiety.  You talk about “not knowing” aka doubting.  You engage in compulsive behaviors like checking and rumination.  Pretty much everything you describe and the way you behave on these forums screams OCD.  So why are you so unwilling to even consider that possibility?

 

7 hours ago, don't know said:

I have so much proof to back all my worries up now.

What kind of proof do you have?  Previously you have claimed that various things prove it’s not OCD, and what you’ve claimed as proof has been the exact opposite, completely typical OCD behavior.  I really think you should allow a trained mental health professional to make the determination on what is really going on, I think your own judgement has become very affected by the anxiety you are dealing with.  Of course, ultimately it’s up to you, but I don’t think your way is doing you much good, you seem to be getting worse and worse over time.

 

 

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I did try to stop back everything kept happening. 

It's just it doesn't seem to fit. It feels like I align more with being a horrible person with no feelings and constant sexual thoughts about awful awful things. 

The proof is right there - the thoughts are there, there's sometimes urges, seeing something about it makes me feel like I relate, reading articles and stories about these things, feelings of arousal or complete emptiness. Feeling like I don't react in the proper way. I just feel like there's two sides of me. I don't know which is the truth. 

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Same same.

Can you even see yourself doing differently than constantly ruminate about it? Also, you are kinda speaking with yourself. I mean you post it on a forum but it is like you already have the arguments ready to lay out.

 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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You're right, it's pointless posting here. I'm wasting people's time. 

Edited by don't know

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That is an intresting point and just what I wanted to ask you. Will there come a poilt where you follow through with this "clearity" of yours. Where you say that: OK I do not have OCD I am a terrible person and you stop seeing yourself having OCD. Or is it just this thought which is OCD and you still have OCD about other areas?

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11 minutes ago, don't know said:

You're right, it's unfair to you all. I shouldn't post here.

Hi DK,

I know this may come across as controversial, but I just saw an article on my local news about something called "imposter syndrome". It was about the younger generation that achieve qualifications, but feel that they only just scrape through by luck, & don't really feel qualified after all. They linked it to anxiety, but I thought of you, & wondered what the effects might be with an OCD sufferer perhaps having this as a co-morbid thing.

A psychiatrist said she was not keen on the syndrome label, but I think said it a very real thing.

 

Edited by felix4

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