Jump to content

getting to the point where i just want to give up with life.


Recommended Posts

I'm having a bad time . I have no energy , not the same person i used to be which was happy , bubbly , outgoing and a person everyone used to have a good laugh with .

I suffer with OCD and on medication sertraline .

My Biggest OCD obsession is Cheating on my girlfriend .

every month for the past 6 months i would have atleast one or two intrusive thoughts where i would be out in a social setting and it could be on the same day or night or the day after where i would get this thought in my head saying did you kiss her , did i kiss her , it would only happen after i hugged a girl on a social gathering .

i went a little while without having a bad intrusive thought , so i powered up and went out with my work firm , i decided to stay away from alcohol because that was one of my biggest triggers .

i saw a girl i went to school with on the night and we both hugged . and spoke for atleast 10 minutes . later on in the night not long after , it was like in my head saying    oh no did i just kiss her ?

i panicked and instantly wanted reassurence from her but i decided not to .  but for the past 2 months i have been ruminating on this one because , there was no vision , no false memory which i got from all the other ones .

this one was just the worry thought in my head saying oh did i just kiss her ?    ?  And i try to reconstruct what happened and i cant remember what ha[ppened and i couldnt remember what happened even the day after . it feels like my brain is trying to block it out . does this sound like a classic thought , because all the past were with images and visions but this one wasn't .  

im fed up with this now , im not happy with life . 

Link to comment
Guest Paul92

Feel the same buddy. Just entered a new relationship myself and I think the world of her. Was talking to her best friend who I work with yesterday at work and made a comment to her that I feel I had wrong intentions behind it, like to benefit myself. My new girlfriend got hurt so bad in her last relationship and I swore Id never do anything to hurt her and yet I think I am pretty certain I said something with the wrong intention. I feel like the biggest scumbag alive.

Just doesn't even feel like it is OCD sometimes.

I guess youll never work out exactly what happened or something. Trick is to not try to. But I know its hard because to me, it feels like a genuine issue.

Edited by Paul92
Link to comment

Hello all, I did something wrong recently and I was beating myself up about it. Until I realised yes I did something wrong just like millions of people around the world do everyday. And I could run and confess it but that would be feeding the OCD. Instead I’ve accepted I did something wrong, I forgive myself for it, and I’ve learned from it. You’re questioning IF you’ve even done something wrong. The world will keep spinning and that’s what we OCD sufferers tend to forget. It’s time to move on and stop going over and over things. You’re concerned about doing harm to others, you’re doing more harm by not being your true happy self, instead wallowing around like a shell of your former self! 

Just try for one day, one day to not go over these thoughts in your head. It won’t work the first day, I’m still attacked by intrusive thoughts several times an hour but I’ve decided not to dwell on them and they are slowly but surely reducing. I’ve been doing it the last couple of days and I feel better myself and I’m acting a hell of a lot better to those around me!

Link to comment

I actually looked back at a post I posted nearly 4 years ago on this forum the other day, about being fearful I’d lost a piece of paper with my work password on it. I can’t even remember that incident, proving how totally insignificant it was! Even though I’m sure back then I thought it was the end of the world!

Link to comment
Guest Paul92

@greentop I appreciate what you are saying. But when you feel as though you have been unfaithful to the one person you love in your life, it's not that easy to forget. They deserve to know, surely? I can see what you are saying is good advice though and would encourage others to listen to it. Just don't know if it should apply to me.

Link to comment

I’m not going to reassure you. For me, it’s better to live with things I’ve done or haven’t done, than go over them 100s of times, accept them, move on - we’re not perfect beings. I’ve been where you are, thinking it’s only me who this should apply to, forget whatever you think for one day and just try. You’ve went over this in countless posts in another forum, when think of all the positive and good things you could have been doing with your life. 

Link to comment

 

4 hours ago, AlexSmith said:

I suffer with OCD and on medication sertraline

Are you getting any kind of psychological support Alex?   Ideally Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  Medication alone is rarely enough to overcome the insidious thoughts generated by OCD.

 

4 hours ago, AlexSmith said:

i panicked and instantly wanted reassurence from her but i decided not to .  but for the past 2 months i have been ruminating on this one because , there was no vision , no false memory which i got from all the other ones

this one was just the worry thought in my head saying oh did i just kiss her ? ? And i try to reconstruct what happened and i cant remember what ha[ppened and i couldnt remember what happened even the day after . it feels like my brain is trying to block it out . does this sound like a classic thought , because all the past were with images and visions but this one wasn't .

This is pretty typical with OCD, but if you look at this last part a moment, what I think is happening is your ruminating on something that didn't actually happen. So I think because it didn't happen you don't have the certainty that OCD often craves because there niggling doubt is still whispering.  

So I think part of therapy would be to try and understand what such a scenario (not necessarily that specific scenario) means to you. Would it matter if you had kissed her?  Why would it matter if you had kissed her? What creates such anxiety about cheating? What is the definition if cheating to you?  On there own I doubt any of those questions and the answers mean a lot, but when you look at such questions as a collective sometimes there's a link that becomes obvious which helps you understands your OCD a little better, which in turn helps you start to manage your OCD better and with good therapy, in time start challenging your OCD.

 

4 hours ago, AlexSmith said:

I'm having a bad time . I have no energy , not the same person i used to be which was happy , bubbly , outgoing and a person everyone used to have a good laugh with .

Again, this is to be expected based off the fact you're suffering with an awful debilitating mental health problem.  But..... how you feel today doesn't mean that's how you will feel next week or next year.  I am not going to pretend things will change overnight, but with the help of good therapy there is no reason to think that you will see signs of that happy bubbly person in a few months and in a year who knows, maybe that person being back will be more the norm than the rarity it feels today.

That person is still  there, it's just the shroud of OCD is hiding that person :)

You can do this Alex.

 

 

 

Link to comment

thanks for all of your replies , i appreciate it so much . Yes ashley i have had CBT therapy for a while now and it has helped . i was feeling better for a while until ive gone back to this thought , while i was out with my works firm , when i hugged the girl i went to school with . 

previous intrusive thoughts have happened after i have drunk small amounts of alcohol and hugged a girl i know and it would give me a thought and a image/vision of me kissing the person . when i know how silly it is , i still believe it . on all of the past ones i have gone out for reassurence on them and asked the person and they have all be false .

The thought i have gone back to evolving the girl i hugged while i was sober , it had no images or scenarios , that it normally does , that's what has frightened me . 

For that reason was their no images/visions because i'm getting better at blocking them out ? 

My anxiety probably peaked while i was speaking to her aswell because she did look like she did want to kiss me but i kept far back as possible . so i guess its me doing my security OCD over the top checks when i hugged her which was the only point i gotten close to her .

this is same cycle as the other intrusive thoughts . that instant did i or did you . 

 

Link to comment

As we've told you, Alex, this has nothing to fo with you kissing domeone or not. It's about the way you handle intrusive thoughts. Do far you have been handling them poorly, reacting to them, trying to figure out if they're true. All thst does is guarantee you will get similar thoughts in the future.

And what's the big deal about kissing a girl? It's just a handshake with lips.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...