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mrgarfield94

Sexual obsessions, i think i've acted on an urge

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Hi, i'm back. Although, i'm not too happy about it. I was doing as well as i can be living with ocd, my obsessions are still pretty much in full swing but i just get on with things and i've been able to hold down a job for the past six months. For the most part i've pretty much just been my own therapist with some bumps  along the road , mostly been doing this through a joutnal and keeping a record of my thoughts. Watching PURE was a big help as well and listening to the ramones after finding out joey had ocd. I still worry about the paedophile obsession, although that kind of changed and i'm now obsessively worried about finding teenagers attractive. I know why i worry obsessively about this but i won't mention that here. The most disturbing sexual thoughts i've had are about my dog. The dog got attached to me very quickly and i was so worried i was going to do something to him in the first couple of week. I worried about things like loooking at his genitals and touching them when rubbing his belly. There's other stuff but i don't want to talk about it because   its pretty disturbing and i'm embarrassed and ashamed  of it.  my dog is VERY clingy so in a way that actually served as exposure and the thoughts died down until yesterday they started getting really bad again. My dog was sitting next to me quite close to my face and i was mimicking his panting quite playfully. But then i got a thought basically saying i wanted my dog to stick his tongue down my throat. I did the same thing again just sat close to his face copying his panting as exposure just to kind of prove to myself  that it was just playful but it also kind of felt like i was trying to see if that thought would even happen and then i  felt like i wanted my dog  to actually  put his tongue  in my  mouth.  I started getting obsessed with this idea but last night i repeated the same thing just by doing that playful panting thing i was doing earlier   and i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. It think i was actually  trying to see if my dog would actually  put his tongue in my mouth and i don't know if i genuinely  wanted tht to happen or if i was trying to prove  to myself that this wouldn't happen and if it did happen  then i wouldn't like this. At the time though it felt like i was giving into an urge. The thign i s my dog who is hormally quite clingy was being quite distant and wouldn't come to bed with me he did eventually and everything is back to normal today but i'm worried  i've genuinely  violated him because  i do love my dog to bits and i couldn't  live with myself if i had hurt him in that way. I know  i have ocd for a fact and i know some people  will say i am looking for reassurance but this felt like  i genuinely gave into an urge and i'm trying to tell myself  this  is ocd but it doesn't sit right. if this behavior  doesn't  fall into ocd then i need to know so that i can get the right help i and you're the best folk to ask. 

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Sounds like you are trying to explain it as detailed as possible, have racing thoughts (you feel a need to get it out as quick as possible), doubting if you have OCD, got some strange thought and you are analyzing the situation.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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Yes i had a strange thought but the problem is i feel like i don't really know where my head is at , this to me doesn't feel like ocd and my behaviour  is not really common. I straight  up felt like i had abused my dog last night. I know that reassurance is frowned upon but i also can't treat it as ocd if i don't know that , i still don't have an official diagnosis. I'm asking because i need to get the right help whether thats ocd or i have some sort of sexual  delinquency/ impulse control problem . I've had to be my own therapist  for the last year, my therapy got stopped  after two weeks because my therapist said i was using  it as reassurance . Rather than help  me learn to stop looking for reassurance  she just cut me loose. I've tried getting a referral for advanced intervention service  but my GP just totally dismisses me with everything i come to him with. My only option at this stage is to either change practice or see a private  psychiatrist  which i can't afford just now. This is all i've got available  to me  so i just need someone to help me and tell me what's wrong, there's  only so much i can do by myself

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What's wrong is that you think something is wrong. The first time you fid the panting thing you got an intrudive thought. The second time was a testing compulsion, done to see what would happen.

That compulsion didn't work, did it? You went from panting beside your dog to having intrusive thoughts you sexually abused him. Now you're distressed, thinking you're some kind of monster. Compulsions don't work.

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I've been  sitting on this for a few days now and i'm still not sure how i feel. I think i wanted it to be something related to my OCD so that I wasn't 'bad' but i just don't know my head is too mixed up right now. I know when i've done compulsions before its to get a thought out of my head and in this case it felt like i was giving into an urge, but it also could have been to get the thought out of my head, but honestly it did feel like i was acting on an urge at the time. Regardless i did do something  wrong because my dog wouldn't come with me for like 10 minutes, he's been fine since but i think the fact he wouldn't come near me at the time makes it seem like i actually did do something wrong and had bad intentions towards him. I've also seen that compulsivity is a common trait in sex offenders which makes me worry that there could be compulsivity in my porn use, because i can't quit watching it. I'm confused whether this is due to compulsive behavior or addiction . It confuses me how compulsivity can fit into other aspects of life , maybe it goes beyond ocd. I guess i'm confused betwwen the difference between ocd and someone who simply engages in compulsive behavior 

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Well, according to what you wrote, you did compulsions (notably tuminating) for several days and you're no further ahead. You thought and thought and got nowhere.

What do you think the likelihood is that even more ruminating will bring a different result?

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I do get what you're saying but the problem is that sometimes you're performing compulsions , especially mental ones, and not even realise. As i say the thing that made me really worried and feel awful was my dog's reaction but i cant exactly ask him, im convinced  its because of what i was doing. I am aware of compulsions  to look out for but without being able to really put anything into practice then its no wonder i end up down a rabbit hole. I know this can't be done through a forum tbf but my gp doesn't really take me seriously and my therapy was  cut short. I'm at a loss because a lot of the time i'm left to be my own therapist with very little support in my day to day life.

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Well, that's what we are here for.

I know it can be hard to catch yourself ruminating. It takes practice. Basically any thinking you do about that moment is a compulsion at this point.

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I shouldnt ruminate even if ive potentially  done something wrong? I do appreciate the forum but as I say I need more support in my day to day life, I suppose its worthn going to my gp again but I dont think he'll listen to me.

 

 

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What's the point of ruminating endlessly?

Most people who do something wrong forgive themselves and move on. Ruminating snd punishing yourself does nothing.

And chances are, if you're like other sufferers of this theme, the thing you did that you think is so wrong is likely incredibly minor and not worth a second thought.

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