Worried my new obsession will affect my relationship

[StrangelyNamed]

Hello all, 

To start off, I suppose I'm mainly venting right now but I could also really do with some advice. As you can see by the time, I can't sleep... 

I realised I had pure O probably around 6 years ago now, I was a helpless teenage girl who thought she was a pedophile, I found these forums and this community really helped me. I haven't posted since then, but I had a late night epiphany and I think the pocd is getting worse again. 

Since then it calmed down a lot, I'm a lot better at coping with it. I've gone through so many different obsessions now through the years, pedophile, incest, worried I was sexually abused as a child but forgot(?), scared of being burgled, even still being scared of monsters or ghosts in the dark... I'm now 20 and living with my boyfriend who is the most wonderful human I've ever met. 

Those obsessions or fears still lurk in my head but they don't control me anymore. Recently, I have been getting really scared the day after a "night out" that I have cheated on my boyfriend. I know that I haven't, I don't get black out drunk and forget everything, but I still get scared. I know it's just an intrusive thought but I can't seem to shake it. I know where it's come from, I hate to even say it but when I first met my partner I got really really drunk and fooled around with one of our friends, it was before we really knew each other well and as I was so drunk I was convinced by our friend to do it. It doesn't justify what happend but it explains why it would never happen now. We've moved past it, we're in a serious relationship and I  would never dream of being with anyone but him, I know I'm not a bad person and would go to the moon and back for him, but I still can't get rid of these thoughts. I know that worrying about them will make it worse but it's very hard. 

I've never told anyone about the pocd, I've never seen a doctor or anthing, for 6 years I've kept it a secret, but I think I need to tell my partner about it otherwise it could affect our relationship. I'm not sure how to go about it. I think I've mentioned it, sort of, in the past, but not explained it fully and its kind of funny how we know each other so well, we live together, but he doesn't know this whole chunk of my life. 

Any advice on how to talk about it would be greatly appreciated.

You have no idea how much these forums helped me years ago, I wonder if some of the people I used to talk to are still around... Looking back on some of my old posts is a bit mad, I forgot about a lot of that stuff, I've grown up so much and I'm still so young! I'll stop waffling on now. 

[PolarBear]

Okay, you don't have to explain all your obsessions. None of us do. They are painful and personal and upsetting to talk about. Different tslking to us because we all are/ were sufferers and we know.

Take your time. It's enough to say you have intrusive thoughts that really bother you. When you are stronger, you can say a little more.

You are in charge of your mental health. Divulging exactly what is up is entirely up to you. You are not being deceitful by holding back at this time.

[californiadreaming]

Your fear of cheating on your boyfriend was what kickstarted my OCD a few years ago. It’s a super common theme (even my therapist said so!) and you seem to recognize that it’s OCD.

You know it’s intrusive. It’s labeled now don’t pay attention to it

[paco5959]

Hi There,

You are not alone. I have the same fears of cheating and false memory and my relationship is healthy. Don't feel alone, that is a classic OCD trait. But very hard to see when you're in it yourself.

 

 

[StrangelyNamed]

16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Take your time. It's enough to say you have intrusive thoughts that really bother you. When you are stronger, you can say a little more.

Thank you! I've worked it up so much over the day that I might chicken out for now, I'm not sure, but I know I want to talk about it with him... 

14 hours ago, californiadreaming said:

You know it’s intrusive. It’s labeled now don’t pay attention to it

That is true, at least I've recognised it now so I can work on not addressing it

5 hours ago, paco5959 said:

Don't feel alone, that is a classic OCD trait. But very hard to see when you're in it yourself.

 

Thank you for the support