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Triggered and feeling angry- what should I do?


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I've started listening to music at times when my intrusive thoughts are a problem but my brother has just accidentally knocked my CD player (I know dark-ages technology but I don't have a speaker for my MP3) down the stairs and onto the back of my Dad's shoes. My parents went away for the weekend and as they had quite a long journey they stopped at a Service station and my Dad went to a very busy service station toilet. 

I am terrified that my CD player is now covered in Norovirus and C Diff- if you think about how many people go to service station toilets and how likely it is that someone has vomited or had diarrhoea in them in the last fortnight then it seems very likely. 

I feel so angry and terrified. My big fear from this is that if I touch the CD player I'll get Norovirus, which as an emetophobe is terrifying. 

Do other people touch the back of their shoes after using public toilets? How should I address this worry? 

Edited by BelAnna
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That you have to ask is a clear indication this is OCD and not real.

I'd gladly come to your house and lick your dad's shoes. Unfortunately I'm a wee ways away.

What you should do is NOTHING except keep using the device.

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Thanks Caramoole and Polarbear! 

I managed to calm down and not kick up a big fuss but it really bothered me. 

A non-OCD sufferer would just carry on as normal and not even think about it but are they right? Is the risk really that low? I've read that swabs taken from the backs of shoes after the wearer has used a public toilet often have C Difficile on them.

 I know behaving normally is one step too far for me at the moment so instead I'll just try to reduce the compulsions but I'm glad that I didn't make a huge deal out of it. 

I'm still operating on an 'avoid-all-risks' basis at the moment, I need to change my focus to one of accepting risks in order to recover. I'm not sure how to go about it- I know that this would be very high up (8-10 / 10 SUDs) on an exposure hierarchy though.

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi Belanna. I reckon your third paragraph of your last post indicates an extensive internet search for information confirming to your worldview. To challenge confirmation bias you need to look for evidence that disconfirms your worldview.

I remember that you were studying psychology when you left university because of your OCD. So I reckon in units on thinking and decision making in the cognitive psychology module would have alluded to these things. Google and google scholar can be great but I reckon you search history would reveal a confirmatory bias. Perhaps you should cease all googling until your OCD theme becomes less of a preoccupation.

Edited by Angst
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7 hours ago, BelAnna said:

A non-OCD sufferer would just carry on as normal and not even think about it but are they right?

I don't know how we consider what's right but.......In your terms I'd be considered a dangerous slob.  I walked my dogs today, as normal, I cleaned up after them.  One was slightly loose.  As it was in a park, I picked up, pulled some grass up and then rubbed my foot over the spot to make sure any residual mess was gone and would be walked away on my walk.  Until I read your post just now, I hadn't given it a single thought.  There would definitely have been poo on my shoe's.  They've walked all over my house, they're sitting beside me right now. I've taken them off without washing my hands and it doesn't bother me at all. TBH.....I've cooked dinner and I can't honestly remember whether I've specifically washed my hands or not.  That's how unimportant and untroubling it is to me.

I am a great deal older than you and have lived a life without taking the precautions your OCD insist's are necessary. I haven't experienced C-diff, Norovirus, bouts of sickness & diarrhoea or even mild stomach upsets in that long life. That's because although the risk is there, it's very rare and largely manageable and not dangerous.

As Angst says, you do identify as someone who spends a lot of time researching and studying risk, studying these conditions.  It is a symptom of OCD and a compulsion and a behaviour that has helped keep you stuck for many a long year.  Maybe switch that research habit into looking at how the role of compulsions impact on keeping a sufferer trapped by this disorder.

I detest being sick and (in the moment) do whatever to avoid it.....but never in a way it impacts on my life for more that the 30 minutes it's a threat.  Emetophobia is just that, a phobia.....and like OCD can be dealt with.

Try and use that extraordinary intelligence and ability you have to aid you in your battle to conquer your OCD & phobia's, rather than letting it research evidence to prove the threat.

Life can not be without risk......but OCD ramps that risk up 1,000-fold.  You deserve better, use that analytical, clever mind to work in you favour rather than against.

I'm alive and well and several decades in front of you having Taken no avoiding action.  It's worth thinking about.

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Risk is a part of life, that's factual. 

Every time I step outside my door and walk along the pavement there are risks present, and I am - subconsciously - aware of them; and I rely on my mind's alert system to notify me should I need to take action. 

But that risk plays no part in the cognitive element of my walk. For I am wearing appropriate shoes, appropriate clothing and my hearing aids are in. So I can enjoy the walk, focus on the sights and sounds - function in a mindful way, footloose and fancy free. 

That is the way for us to live - mindful, and subconsciously prepared for possible risks, but not dwelling on them.

I made a whole career out of managing risk, as an insurance broker. I understood the probabilities and discussed them with clients and underwriters. 

I never wasted any time agonising about risk or awfulising. My approach was sensible practical realistic and geared to likelihood. 

In an OCD world, to a sufferer minimal unlikely risks become maximum likely ones. When we accept the reality of that, we can stop believing the OCD, work on stopping carrying out those unhelpful compulsions, and shift risk from constantly obsessed about to, if likely, sensibly prepared for and, in our subconscious, ready to respond in a planned way if ever needing to. 

I continue to take that professional approach to risk into day to day living. 

The amount I spend on that is little - just enough and no more. 

And I don't worry about it. 

So there you have it. Even a professional risk management executive didn't spend hours and hours thinking about risk. Just enough for purpose. Nor did I get worried or anxious in doing so. 

Edited by taurean
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13 hours ago, Angst said:

Hi Belanna. I reckon your third paragraph of your last post indicates an extensive internet search for information confirming to your worldview. To challenge confirmation bias you need to look for evidence that disconfirms your worldview.

I remember that you were studying psychology when you left university because of your OCD. So I reckon in units on thinking and decision making in the cognitive psychology module would have alluded to these things. Google and google scholar can be great but I reckon you search history would reveal a confirmatory bias. Perhaps you should cease all googling until your OCD theme becomes less of a preoccupation.

Hi Angst,

Yes, I do look for information that supports my worries. I was thinking about having read that you only have to ingest 10-20 viral particles to contract Norovirus but really that number might only apply to certain strains of the virus and might also depend on all sorts of other factors. Real life experience also doesn't seem to back this up because I know people stay in the same environment as a sick relative and don't always catch the infection; also you would imagine that people who don't wash their hands very often would catch stomach viruses far more often than the once or twice a year average if this was the case for all Norovirus strains.

13 hours ago, daja said:

Now listen to some music on your CD player and enjoy! ? 

Thanks Daja. I'm still not able to use the CD player to be honest but hopefully will soon!

7 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I don't know how we consider what's right but.......In your terms I'd be considered a dangerous slob.  I walked my dogs today, as normal, I cleaned up after them.  One was slightly loose.  As it was in a park, I picked up, pulled some grass up and then rubbed my foot over the spot to make sure any residual mess was gone and would be walked away on my walk.  Until I read your post just now, I hadn't given it a single thought.  There would definitely have been poo on my shoe's.  They've walked all over my house, they're sitting beside me right now. I've taken them off without washing my hands and it doesn't bother me at all. TBH.....I've cooked dinner and I can't honestly remember whether I've specifically washed my hands or not.  That's how unimportant and untroubling it is to me.

I am a great deal older than you and have lived a life without taking the precautions your OCD insist's are necessary. I haven't experienced C-diff, Norovirus, bouts of sickness & diarrhoea or even mild stomach upsets in that long life. That's because although the risk is there, it's very rare and largely manageable and not dangerous.

As Angst says, you do identify as someone who spends a lot of time researching and studying risk, studying these conditions.  It is a symptom of OCD and a compulsion and a behaviour that has helped keep you stuck for many a long year.  Maybe switch that research habit into looking at how the role of compulsions impact on keeping a sufferer trapped by this disorder.

I detest being sick and (in the moment) do whatever to avoid it.....but never in a way it impacts on my life for more that the 30 minutes it's a threat.  Emetophobia is just that, a phobia.....and like OCD can be dealt with.

Try and use that extraordinary intelligence and ability you have to aid you in your battle to conquer your OCD & phobia's, rather than letting it research evidence to prove the threat.

Life can not be without risk......but OCD ramps that risk up 1,000-fold.  You deserve better, use that analytical, clever mind to work in you favour rather than against.

I'm alive and well and several decades in front of you having Taken no avoiding action.  It's worth thinking about.

Hi Caramoole,

Thank you!

That's interesting but also weirdly I have much less of a problem with dog poo! My lovely dog has chronic colitis so gets diarrhoea at least once a month and as she's long furred I end up having to wipe it from her legs and tail (with gloves on) and I cope fine with it. My logic is that it takes a substantial quantity of her coliform bacteria to cause illness (and some of the strains of her faecal bacteria are even harmless) whereas for things like stomach viruses (e.g. Norovirus) it only takes a tiny quantity (10-20 ish) of viral particles to cause illness (each quantity of human diarrhoea or vomit can contain millions of viral particles) so contact with human vomit (e.g. by standing on it on the pavement) would cause me complete overwhelming anxiety and extensive cleaning rituals (because if I get a visible amount of vomit on my shoes then there are likely to be thousands of the viral particles on my shoes). 

I know that wasn't really the point though and that normal people would occasionally walk through vomit on the pavement without noticing (and then maybe walk it into their houses) and usually wouldn't fall ill OR would visit relatives who'd recently been ill without necessarily catching the virus and I need to focus on that. Instead I've read that some people are much more susceptible to Norovirus (people with blood type O have been found to be more susceptible than those with AB or B) so I use that to explain why some people do not catch stomach viruses! I caught quite a lot of stomach D&V viruses as a kid and they were horrendous so I'm sure that maintained my Emetophobia (which was caused by other more traumatic stuff). 

I'm definitely not particularly intelligent- if I was I'm sure I'd have managed to improve my OCD by now and would be able to form grammatical sentences but thanks for saying that as I'm feeling really low at the moment!

I need to accept the risks of living a normal life because the main risk at the moment is that the OCD will destroy my life.

Thank you so much for your help Caramoole. 

6 hours ago, taurean said:

Risk is a part of life, that's factual. 

Every time I step outside my door and walk along the pavement there are risks present, and I am - subconsciously - aware of them; and I rely on my mind's alert system to notify me should I need to take action. 

But that risk plays no part in the cognitive element of my walk. For I am wearing appropriate shoes, appropriate clothing and my hearing aids are in. So I can enjoy the walk, focus on the sights and sounds - function in a mindful way, footloose and fancy free. 

That is the way for us to live - mindful, and subconsciously prepared for possible risks, but not dwelling on them.

I made a whole career out of managing risk, as an insurance broker. I understood the probabilities and discussed them with clients and underwriters. 

I never wasted any time agonising about risk or awfulising. My approach was sensible practical realistic and geared to likelihood. 

In an OCD world, to a sufferer minimal unlikely risks become maximum likely ones. When we accept the reality of that, we can stop believing the OCD, work on stopping carrying out those unhelpful compulsions, and shift risk from constantly obsessed about to, if likely, sensibly prepared for and, in our subconscious, ready to respond in a planned way if ever needing to. 

I continue to take that professional approach to risk into day to day living. 

The amount I spend on that is little - just enough and no more. 

And I don't worry about it. 

So there you have it. Even a professional risk management executive didn't spend hours and hours thinking about risk. Just enough for purpose. Nor did I get worried or anxious in doing so. 

Hi Roy, 

Thank you. That's so true and makes a lot of sense. 

I'm starting to realise that my assessment of risk is way off.

I'm not quite sure whether to just stop trying to assess risk altogether or to look for evidence against my beliefs or whether to just accept that there are risks in everything we do (e.g. handling contaminated money; walking on the dirty pavement etc.) and decide that it's worth living with those risks in order to recover. 

Thanks! 

Edited by BelAnna
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4 hours ago, BelAnna said:

Or whether to just accept that there are risks in everything we do (e.g. handling contaminated money; walking on the dirty pavement etc.) and decide that it's worth living with those risks in order to recover. 

This really should be your aim.  Life contains risk, that's a fact but although there is a risk, it is just that, not a certainty or even probability.  You risk living a life in which you cannot enjoy the things you should and deserve to do. For the moment that is a fact, not just a risk.

Research (in it's entirety) is one of you biggest compulsions and clearly takes up a lot of your time, it's probably one of the main area's that you'd benefit from working on.  I appreciate that you'll find this difficult but could you perhaps have a think about how you could change and reduce this compulsion?  Postponing may be a starting point

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