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Encouragement for anyone who thinks they will never recover


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My OCD was largely concerned with germs and contamination issues and exploded into my life in 2000. I was housebound for a time, spent hours every day washing my hands and cleaning and was out of work for 8 years ..... even then I wasn't 100% better but well enough to work if I made a few concessions to my fears.

I have worked for nearly nine years, in an office environment, and over those years my OCD fears have continued to wane - though never going completely.

Having left work, I now volunteer in a hostel for homeless men and women - it is probably somewhere which couldn't be further from anywhere I ever imagined I would ever be able to work. I work in the reception and have some direct contact with the residents themselves as well as contact with pens, mugs, chairs, equipment, door handles etc etc - all the things I, for years, avoided or cleaned - either the equipment or myself following even the smallest contact.  The only concession I make is to have some baby wipes in my car and after my shift, I clean my hands when I get in the car. I am then able to go on to the supermarket or wherever I need to go. i don't have to go home to wash. I don't have to clean my car keys, bag, steering well, pedals (oh yes - they were often cleaned) and so on. I have some handwash in my bag when I am there but I have never yet used it.

In the first eight or so years of my illness - particularly the first three - I never thought I would be well enough to live a 'normal' life and now I do just that!

Don't give up - it may be a long road but you really can recover. Take all and any help offered - I had years of talking therapy and am still on medication. I don't believe the medication is doing anything now but it does not appear to have any adverse effects and so I stick with it.

 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Yes that is great. Every person who don't feel the need to involve themselves with those silly thoughts is a step in the right direction. They tend to create so much suffering

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That's fab Whitebeam. Thank you so much for sharing! 

Can I just ask what you fear of contamination was based upon? (e.g. were you fearful of contracting infections; of contracting serious diseases and/or of dying or was it something else)

 

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Hi BelAnna.

My main fear was that I would cause harm to others by not taking enough care - so I was more frightened of passing on germs than of getting them myself .... however, the two got caught up because I had to take care not to 'catch' germs in the first place and so avoidance and so on was very much part of the issue.

The other part was ensuring I was clean and, therefore, not going to pass these germs on to others - so I washed and cleaned endlessly to make sure I was 'clean enough'. Obviously, I never felt I was 'clean enough' .......

I was never really worried that I would get ill or die but that, if I didn't take enough care, I would cause others to get ill or die.

 

Although contamination was my greatest fear, my fears of causing harm to others went into other areas:

- checking - at work and at home - worried that I may have left the iron/cooker/elecrical equipment etc on particularly when I lived, and also worked, in tower blocks (I lived in Singapore for a while)

- driving - if I felt/heard a bump or noise, I was terrified I had hit someone and would drive up and down the same stretch of road for ages - checking and re-checking - obviously each check provided more likelihood that I had injured someone

To be honest, the fear of causing harm entered every aspect of my life ... at one point I became housebound because it was so much easier not to leave home and, within the home, for a while, I was virtually bed-bound as if I stayed in bed I couldn't cause any germs to spread or otherwise cause danger to others.

 

I feel I am so lucky that I have recovered from these desperate fears which overtook my life completely and that is why I wanted to post - to let others, who may be struggling, know that recovery really is a possibility.

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Can I ask what kind of talk therapy you had? Was it CBT or more just general counselling? Also what meds and dose, if you don't mind me asking.

I've got exactly that theme. I would love to find my way out of this!

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Hi leif. Sorry to hear you have the same fears as I used to have but, hopefully, you will find some way through. I hope that something here is helpful to you.

I started therapy in 2000 with a clinical psychologist. She was lovely and kind though I'm not sure she knew much about OCD.I think she knew it well from a clinician point of view but had had little experience with actual sufferers.

As I said - she was incredibly kind and I saw her every week for three years - at times I saw her on a daily basis - I know that sort of support is just not available these days. In terms of my OCD, I don't think she really helped but she helped with my self esteem and other aspects of my life at the time.

It certainly wasn't CBT.  She was an NLP practitioner - one of the tenets being that every behaviour has a positive intention and she was convinced that the OCD was providing a positive role ie protecting me from something I was not equipped to deal with. At the time, I was equally convinced that the OCD could not be less harmful than whatever it was 'covering'. More recent mental health issues (thankfully, now resolved) have caused me to question this.

Running alongside this talking therapy, I was under a psychiatrist and was put on a variety of medication - none of which made any difference to the OCD and, in fact, it became gradually more severe and more entrenched. Following a serious attempt on my own life followed by a stay in hospital and then a secure psychiatric unit, my psychiatrist seemed to pull out all the stops - I don't know, but it seemed to me at the time that he only then realised how desperate things were.

Whatever, and I can't now remember - it was 2003 - he either spoke to an OCD specialist or read an article and came across a combination of a high dose of Clomipramine, I believe 200mg (anti-obsessional) along with Clonazepam (anti-anxiety) I can't remember the dose. This made all the difference. Almost immediately, I felt a difference to the intensity of the fears which then allowed me to engage with ERP (exposure response prevention) and so on which I had previously been unable to do. I was not 'recovered' enough to get back to work for a further 5 years during which time I stopped taking the Clonazepam but it really was the beginning of the end of my OCD.

I really believe I was lucky. I had an amazing GP who had an interest in mental health and, I believe, truly stopped me attempting to take my life on more than one occasion, a lovely psychologist who, though not necessarily instrumental in treating the OCD certainly supported me and, I suspect again, helped me just to get through life and a psychiatrist who went the extra mile .......

I really hope that something here might help you.  Take good care and do believe that things really can get better.

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Thanks so much for sharing that Whitebeam. It sure is encouraging to hear how far you've come! 

I'm not at my worst right now but am going through a bit of a setback so appreciate reading how others have gotten through to the other side!

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32 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Nice to see you Penny :)  And Thank You for sharing that, it will inspire others.  Glad to hear you're feeling well :hug:

Thank you, Caramoole. Nice to see you after so long too :)

I am well, thank you, after a terrible year last year - all sorts of problems ...... but back to good health now.

Hope all is well with you :heart:

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Hi Whitebeam, 

its lovely to hear you are doing well, I am just like you and doing CBT and ERP therapy, unfortunately my time has ended with my therapist, I have had extra time with him. My contamination OCD is a nightmare still , suffered for about thirty odd years, it did get better at one time but this last two years came back with a vengeance.I hate the feeling that I get through anxiety and fear, my stomach is in knots. I need to get my confidence back, I really do. ?

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On 31/03/2019 at 02:08, taurean said:

I too am pleased to read you are feeling better, Penny. I know you had a bad time with various matters and I was concerned. 

Best wishes 

Roy 

Thank you, Roy :) I hope everything is good with you too.

 

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On 05/04/2019 at 13:38, Madchoc said:

Hi Whitebeam, 

its lovely to hear you are doing well, I am just like you and doing CBT and ERP therapy, unfortunately my time has ended with my therapist, I have had extra time with him. My contamination OCD is a nightmare still , suffered for about thirty odd years, it did get better at one time but this last two years came back with a vengeance.I hate the feeling that I get through anxiety and fear, my stomach is in knots. I need to get my confidence back, I really do. ?

Thank you, Madchoc. I'm so sorry that you have suffered for so long - it is such an insidious condition.

Hopefully, if it got better once, it can get better again. Are you on any meds? It was really them that made the difference with me.

I sincerely hope that you will soon start to feel better - I know how low it can make you - and get your confidence back :)

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Medication doesn’t cure OCD. So once you’re off it the OCD comes back. Being that you are on it, you have to get off it to see if you’re the same. Medication puts the anxiety center of the brain into sleep so it’ll wake up if you don’t take it anymore. Are you ready?

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