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I’m just so darn mad today


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Hey all and forgive the bad choice of language!

i saw my therapist this week which is always a good thing and I went into with a bit of bee in my bonnet. I know what everyone tells you and whatever but I’m feeling so sick of feeling like this right now. I mean, for the love of God, if life is this horrible, might as well just get yourself completely contaminated and get it over with.  The ironic thing about that statement is that by actually doing that and saying “come on then world, give me your best shot’” is that you more often than not realise that the thing you were afraid of actually wasn’t all that scary or consequential. I mean, besides smelling a bit, urine isn’t going to do you much harm, right? Well, tell that to Big Dave here after he smelt his after going to the toilet while lying on the sofa stroking the cat. I panicked like a crazy person and it completely derailed my whole bloody day. From that point, everything was panicked. Everything needed to be wiped. I had to change my clothes THRICE. It was ridiculous and it all stemmed from the fact that my wiping hand touched my trousers on the outside as I pulled them up from going for a number 2. The fact that I have had a bad stomach, a curse of another health problem is thanked for that gem. But alas, it all went to err...well yes, you know what I mean. 

Regarding the title, what makes me mad is that this darn disorder is so resilient. I used to think I was strong willed but it definitely knows how to best me. I know doubt have a lack of drive and that is something I have discussed at length with my therapist; that my friends is down to the depression. But every single therapy session ends with the same feeling of I’m going to conquer this beast and then within a couple of days, it has me with one arm behind my back pushed up against a wall asking me to give up. Toilet related things are without a doubt one of the worst issues I have along with waste. The situation I am in makes that a bit more difficult but I’m tired of using that an excuse. My parents can get on with their lives fully aware of the situation; truthfully, I think they have let more stuff go because of my brother’s condition and as my therapist said, “in the cold light of day, those compromises are probably fair enough given that it puts less pressure on my brother”. I agree. In a way, I feel slightly mean that I find it more difficult to make those compromises given that it is by no means his fault. Of course, there is an element of me feeling like I’ve worked hard to own nice things and no, I don’t want them soiled but my health puts me in a tight spot as far as that goes. Somewhere, I’m going to have to make a compromise, at least with that. I don’t like it but is going to need to be made. With regards to the rest, such as checking for spit or water on my TV from wet hands or whatever, sure it is a risk that it could happen but no it isn’t the end of the world. With regards to that, I guess part of it is not wanting to spoil it’s perfection despite it being 4 years old. Then there is another element of me not having wet hands if I felt comfortable using all the towels. But you know, most of all, if I can’t feel comfortable pulling up my pants so that I can sit on my computer chair, what hope do I have. Because in my little OCD mind, I have summed up that a) my bottom can never be perfectly clean and even less clean after I’ve actually been to the toilet. b) wiping yourself means, unless your wiping accuracy is 100% and your paper is 15 ply, there is some chance of you getting excrement on your hands. c) it is not really accustomed for you to waddle your way to the sink with your pants around your ankles to prevent your unclean hands from touching your clothes before you wash them and d) even after you wash them, there is no guarantee that the area of discussion is clean anyway. So in conclusion, there is a chance, dependent on your wiping experiences, that by pulling up your pants after you have been to the loo that you will soil your hands and thereby get it on everything you touch from that point. For that reason, if I want to use my computer and my pants are falling down a bit, this would entail pulling up my trousers, washing my hands, drying my hands, and then coming back while worrying I will get water on anything and to me, that seems like a real “pain in the bum”. But that is OCD for you and I realise that in a way by doing the compulsion of cleaning or by avoiding doing anything (which in a way is just as bad as the compulsion), I am getting nowhere. 

So, essentially, this is just one of a cacophony of examples of why OCD really annoys me. It is a bully, it ruins your valuable free time and it won’t let you go. 

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5 hours ago, BigDave said:

what makes me mad is that this darn disorder is so resilient. I used to think I was strong willed but it definitely knows how to best me. I know doubt have a lack of drive and that is something I have discussed at length with my therapist; that my friends is down to the depression. But every single therapy session ends with the same feeling of I’m going to conquer this beast and then within a couple of days, it has me with one arm behind my back pushed up against a wall asking me to give up.

I can relate to that feeling! This disorder is amazingly tough. I'm having a hard go of it this past while as well.

it's a tough one to just let the thoughts and anxiety arise without doing anything about it (in terms of compulsions or avoidance), but I guess that is where we need to get to and little by little we will free ourselves of this hell.

Hopefully you can put your anger to good use to help you beat this disorder!

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One day removed from my big outspeak and I’m contemplating the last 24 hours. Essentially, it didn’t go great. Little things really made it harder like the cat vomiting on the floor and then I felt a drop touch my leg while my mum was wiping it up and that freaked me out no end. I also am still VERY irked about not being able to touch soiled clothes. Underwear still wet from urine are untouchable in my eyes and like I said before, after I’ve been for a number 2, there is no way I’m touching those trousers. How people do this and not be completely sick is beyond me. Like, how am I supposed to play my Xbox or go on my computer after touching this sort of stuff. 

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You know what? I swear I’m losing my mind sometimes. For example, I wasn’t sure if my chair banged into my iMac screen. Tonight, I was wiping my screen and I thought I saw something white on the cloth just before I wiped it and now I’m thinking I’ve got phlegm all over my Mac screen. I swear. Losing my mind. 

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1 hour ago, BigDave said:

You know what? I swear I’m losing my mind sometimes. For example, I wasn’t sure if my chair banged into my iMac screen. Tonight, I was wiping my screen and I thought I saw something white on the cloth just before I wiped it and now I’m thinking I’ve got phlegm all over my Mac screen. I swear. Losing my mind. 

How often do you wipe the screen?

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More than likely a few times a week my friend. And it’s definitely way more than I should do. It’s a problem! But it’s almost automatic a response so I need to unlearn that. 

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