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No explanation... I'm just horrible.


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So last night I was reading a manga (japanese comic) and there were some bits about one of the main character's back story... he was raped when he was 7 years old. So in that moment, I made myself have a pleasant feeling in my genitals, I didnt move whatsoever maybe I moved because of breathing but that's it. I didnt know how I did that think so I repeated the whole scene and I was like why?? I know how to do it again, it's just focusing on my genitals to get that sensation, it's just a sensation I got when focusing on my genitals plus having to pee but I really wanted it in the moment I was reading that scene and this is why I'm so upset and sad because I find it awful and I dont know why I would want to please myself (not sexually tho) while reading that...

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I'm just wondering... why would I do it in that precise moment if I think child sexual abuse is just heinous????? But I chose that moment to focus on my genitals and....!! I'm freaking out. This is horrible. I'm horrible. There's no way this is OCD... or is it? ?

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Guest Paul92
11 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I'm just wondering... why would I do it in that precise moment if I think child sexual abuse is just heinous????? But I chose that moment to focus on my genitals and....!! I'm freaking out. This is horrible. I'm horrible. There's no way this is OCD... or is it? ?

It is OCD. Again. You can stop putting yourself through this!

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3 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

It is OCD. Again. You can stop putting yourself through this!

But like I'm thinking I did it to please myself while I was reading that but it's a lie I would never want to do that for real, I hate it but I still did it? I just dont understand

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Guest Paul92
1 minute ago, lily17 said:

But like I'm thinking I did it to please myself while I was reading that but it's a lie I would never want to do that for real, I hate it but I still did it? I just dont understand

You've answered yourself. The OCD made the connection. Anyway, we all have weird mind farts. Do they mean anything? No. Don't engage with it and chalk it up as irrelevant.

Edited by Paul92
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24 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

You've answered yourself. The OCD made the connection. Anyway, we all have weird mind farts. Do they mean anything? No. Don't engage with it and chalk it up as irrelevant.

I've just done it again to see how I did it and I feel extra guilty like it's something you can easily do because it's just existing, focusing on genitals and thats it like... I did it last night after doing it for the first time to see how I did it too but now I'm doubting I did it to check again or if I had a hidden intention... And what about me enjoying that scene as I was reading it... How could I? Was it an intrusive sensation... I'm so sorry for all this bull****

Edited by lily17
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Guest Paul92

You need to stop. Force yourself to stop. And trust me and everyone on else on this forum that this is complete nonsense. You don't have to apologise, you have OCD. Force yourself to focus on other things otherwise you will go round and round in circles for nothing. Just TRUST us.

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4 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

You need to stop. Force yourself to stop. And trust me and everyone on else on this forum that this is complete nonsense. You don't have to apologise, you have OCD. Force yourself to focus on other things otherwise you will go round and round in circles for nothing. Just TRUST us.

Thank you so much, Paul!! I'll try to focus on something else now :)

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Guest Paul92
Just now, lily17 said:

Thank you so much, Paul!! I'll try to focus on something else now :)

Good. I can guarantee you'll completely forget about this.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

This is contraproductive. You got reassured and now you feel better. Lily why are you not making a thread when you are not panicking, asking about what you could do?

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I don't deserve a thing. Everyday, I mess up. I have a permanent groinal response and I move to make it go away but I get thoughts and I mess up. I ca'nt keep on living like this. I need my groin to not be aroused. For five minutes... I would be okay with that, have some peace. I just don't want to feel anything at all in my groin, even if it's real arousal (and wanted) I don't. I just don't wanna please myself thinking about people I shouldn't think about just because my stupid brain wants to (and makes me think I want it personally) i'm so tired of this, I was a good person I didn't deserve this, my old self was good but now I'm evil, I've done heinous things... I deserve to die, drop dead somewhere where no one could ever find me.

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lily, you're not special ... don't hold on to the conceit of being 'evil' ... you're just like anybody else. By the way, no one is a 'good' person (if they think they are that just makes them smug) ... don't try to be. Being human is enough. 

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