Biggest fear

[ocdsufferer85]

My biggest fear is not knowing if I acted on my biggest fear! 

And whats am I worried about? I'm worried that I tested myself and now I'm doubting if I acted on it by mistake, or from testing.

I'm worried what testing meant -

Testing myself out of bravery (to stand up to ocd rather than run, to prove I wouldn't do it)

Testing myself because of an urge (urges feel so real. It seems like because the idea came in "you could do it now" it felt like an urge came to do it, but I didn't WANT to. But did I try and give in?!

What is this testing about.

My greatest fear is to live in doubt over such a frightening thing to me, and how do I stop blaming myself for now feeling like it has come true!

I constantly say "this is the last place I wanted to be" "why didn't I do better" "why am I here?!" "am I a monster?" "is it all my fault and this is my punishment?" 

I want to start again and be happy.

Any advice would be welcomed..I don't mean to be asking for reassurance either I know it doesn't work, I just want to know if anyone can relate 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

What you did right now won't benefit you. This is the thing: The anxiety WILL COME when you do as your therapist said you SHOULD do.

And for not asking for reassurance. You do ask for it, but I am afraid you are also doing a compulsion when you are writing it out and that is bad too.

I do understand that you are anxious and I do understanf that it feel really bad but that is also why you have been stuck for so long. 20+ years? Just like me then. This is not easy.

The thing is that you are not the only one with OCD and we are all feeling the same as you do. Your situation is not unique and you do not need any special solution! You don't.

Edited March 29, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

You're right back to square one again. You just keep analyzing that one moment in time, trying to figure out what happened. This is so bad for you! 

You've got to stop. Your mind keeps dragging you back and you go willingly.

It doesn't matter what happened in one moment give or six years ago. You're supposed to be saying the words you dread out loud, everyday.

You've got to stop yourself from going down that usual path. Refuse to get sucked back in.

[ocdsufferer85]

I just feel like why would it make me better to say it? 

If I had pocd and was made to imagine inappropriate images of children I'd be thinking...this is making it worse.. 

Why do that to feel even worse about yourself? 

Supposedly the fear fades...but it won't! 

I'm taking it a step at a time and trying to not respond to thoughts and to create them and not respond.

That's my limit.

Edited March 29, 2019 by ocdsufferer85

[malina]

18 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I just feel like why would it make me better to say it? 

If I had pocd and was made to imagine inappropriate images of children I'd be thinking...this is making it worse.. 

Why do that to feel even worse about yourself? 

Supposedly the fear fades...but it won't! 

I'm taking it a step at a time and trying to not respond to thoughts and to create them and not respond.

That's my limit.

Hey, I had these very same worries when I started therapy a few months ago. Mine was for harm fears and I had to hold a knife up to my skin. I thought the same as you - how is this helping? Is it not going to make me worse? The truth is that it did help, the more I was exposed to knives, the less fear I felt when I was around them. I got to a point where, every time I feel anxious about knives, I chop up some veg or do some cooking.

I know you must think that your specific problem is different, but my urges to commit harm feel exactly the way that you have described your urges to feel. 

You need to think the thought over and over again until it stops having its impact on you. 

Someone with POCD may imagine inappropriate images of children to see that nothing bad is going to come of doing that. I need to use a knife to see that I won't lose control. I know your problem is a bit tricky because it's religious and maybe you're afraid that you won't see the consequences right away - but believe in your own convictions. You know that you believe in your faith and you're only doing this so that you can get better and stop thinking about this phrase. 

What have you got to lose? You've already tortured yourself for years, you deserve better than this. 

[ocdsufferer85]

I haven't said it even, but ocd has made it seem like I tried to and that I was bad all these years because of the feelings in that moment, and it makes me doubt myself so as soon as there was any noise (breath) coming out I suddenly feared I had spoke by accident. 

I know I can't live this way. Afraid to open my mouth.

[ocdsufferer85]

I felt this crippling fear that suddenly I didn't know exactly what just happened... Because I wanted to block the ocd and not watch my every move. Which isn't normal anyway. But still the guilt stays

[malina]

3 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I haven't said it even, but ocd has made it seem like I tried to and that I was bad all these years because of the feelings in that moment, and it makes me doubt myself so as soon as there was any noise (breath) coming out I suddenly feared I had spoke by accident. 

I know I can't live this way. Afraid to open my mouth.

That moment doesn't matter anymore, it's over and done with and you have to let it go. You now need to focus on getting better and that means tackling this phrase head on. So think it like your therapist is telling you to, it's the only way.

[ocdsufferer85]

In those moments I felt like I was facing my fear head on, showing ocd I wasn't gonna hide. This is actually what a therapist would recommend to do! But I have been stuck in the doubting myself phase ever since! It's like part way through I realised but ended up being tricked anyway. 

I literally thought there's no way you'll fool me now, then I was aware of it all happening and I just thought don't be silly I won't do that. Don't fall for it. But I started to feel anxious and not trust my logical mind anymore, so I then felt myself revert back to safety behaviour (which involved me distracting myself from it) and that's when it won! How can I concentrate AND distract myself at the same time?! 

[ocdsufferer85]

It's like if I have a fear of being a pedophile...and I finally think No! No ocd I'm not, I won't look at the kids in the playground in a sexual way. No.

But then my mind went what if u just did it now, it's so easy to look at them..

And I was like no! But found my eyes looking slightly towards the playground... Then panicking and realising I nearly looked, but phew...I haven't looked. 

Now let's think of something else....lets look at the trees...wait...I'm not focused did my eyes just catch the playground when I went to look at the trees? 

Oh no I wasn't focusing. 

Am I now a pedophile? I had the urge to look, I was so confident, and now I may have made a mistake...

 

Does this make sense? 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You will never come anywhere if you truly believe that every new thought needs to be answered. No therapist in the world will be able to assist you on that one.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

And please please can you stop trying to not be fooled. Instead, stop caring if it tries to get your attention. No matter from what angle it tries to shot you down.

Your problem is that you identify with every little thought you get. You are not your thoughts!!

Sit down and look into the wall for 30 minutes when you are trying not to let it get your attention. Every single time you get a thought you just keep on looking into the wall. You could also go outside and walk, much more fun. But not anything which are more mentally challenging than that. While you are doing this you will get a lot of nasty feelings and thoughts but you will be able to do it if you give it your fullest attention. If you are getting thoughts while you are doing this doesn't matter, what matters is if you are not engaging with them. You won't be no more or less of a bad person after 30 minutes than you were before.

Edited March 29, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

And you keep going on and on...

[ocdsufferer85]

@PolarBear

This makes sense right -

You have someone who is a pedophile, they don't care, they want to think the way they do because that's the way they are.

Then you have a person who isn't a pedophile, doesn't have ocd, has a weird thought about their kid for a second but doesn't dwell on it. Moves on.

Then there's the person with ocd, and their fear happens to be about being a pedophile, gets endless bad thoughts, urges, and feels guilty, has to eventually do exposure and think these things on purpose or do random exposures like not worry about changing nappies, or not being super careful around them, etc.

Are the latter two still good people? One with illness one without? 

Because I always look at the none sufferer and think they wouldn't ever think this stuff, they wouldn't have these urges, they wouldn't test theirself etc, so I automatically put myself in the bad person who doesn't care category. 

Edited March 29, 2019 by ocdsufferer85

[felix4]

Hi OS/85,

Is your current problem still related to religious OCD? If so, can I ask what religion you follow?

Also, might it be worth trying to separate what percentage of fear/anxiety relates to religion, & what percentage relates to OCD, by comparing with non suffering fellow believers?  

[malina]

4 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

 

Are the latter two still good people? One with illness one without? 

Because I always look at the none sufferer and think they wouldn't ever think this stuff, they wouldn't have these urges, they wouldn't test theirself etc, so I automatically put myself in the bad person who doesn't care category. 

 

This sounds like a really unfair judgement. Why is someone automatically bad for having a random thought?