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rachel23

Please help pocd arousal

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I just really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve suffered from pedophile based ocd on and off for 14 years now. I’ve been through many periods of months where nothing bothers me at all and I’m living a normal, happy life. It came back with a vengeance about a month ago.

my current problem is that I can’t stop thinking about a magazine article about a girl that was sexually abused as a child that I read about 10 years ago. It mentioned her being touched  and I felt a moment of arousal when I read it. I can’t work out if I felt the arousal because it was just a sexual thing (which I could accept) or because the child was vulnerable and that’ situation turned me on. I’ve found the article and spent hours and hours reading it the past few days to try and work out why I felt aroused. I know it’s not what I should be doing but I want to work out why I felt that arousal and I don’t want it to be because the child was vulnerable because I don’t want to enjoy pedophilia situations. It felt to me like i felt that way because I was turned on because the child was vulnerable and innocent . But can ocd make me feel this is the reason? I’m so scared and devastated. Why has this happened to me? I’ve recovered from this before and I’ve felt nothing about the article for a few years until now. I just want to live a normal life and be content. I’m in such a state that I’m trouble of losing my job and relationship. I don’t know how longer I can keep it together. I’m on meds’ and have had cbt many years on and off with a well renowned ocd specialist. They have said there’s not much more they can do as I know what I need to do- stop ruminating and accept that my fears could be true. But I cant accept that I might enjoy pedophile thoughts . I’m so scared and feel in a terrible way. I don’t know what to do next. Every minute is a struggle at the moment. I know I’d never engage in a pedophic act and I have no desire to, that isn’t my problem, it’s that I’ve felt arousal over the thoughts. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, just maybe some hope. X I just feel my situation is so different to anybody else’s I’ve read with ocd - People with pocd are disgusted by the thoughts but I feel nothing when I think of them or I feel arousal. What has happened to me? I feel my life has been snatched away from me.

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You need to read your post above. You basically stated you got a new obsession and did a whole lot of compulsions and the whole thing is bothering you.

First you said you've been trying to work out the reason for your alleged arousal. That's a compulsion. Second you've bern rereading that article. Another compulsion.

You did compulsions and you didn't come up with an answer. You're just as distressed having done compulsions.

Compulsions don't work. They only make things worse. Take my advice and throw that article out. Leave the whole thing alone. Try your best not to dwell on it anymore.

Edited by PolarBear

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4 hours ago, rachel23 said:

I’ve suffered from pedophile based ocd on and off for 14 years now.

 

4 hours ago, rachel23 said:

can’t stop thinking about a magazine article about a girl that was sexually abused as a child that I read about 10 years ago. It mentioned her being touched  and I felt a moment of arousal when I read it.

 

Hello Rachel, is it possible that because you were suffering with OCD at the time, that you're mind was extra sensitive to such content and hence the body sensation.   It happens to everyone with OCD, if you have a fear of something your body will generate sensations because of the fear.  The sensation itself doesn't mean anything, but our OCD makes us believe it does.

Of course, this was 10 years ago and as per OCD usual games, it will try and make you remember exactly what you felt/thought at the time, and the more you try and remember and fail to remember the more OCD makes us feel guilty. Try and focus on how OCD works and apply it to your situation if you can.

 

4 hours ago, rachel23 said:

’m on meds’ and have had cbt many years on and off with a well renowned ocd specialist. They have said there’s not much more they can do as I know what I need to do- stop ruminating and accept that my fears could be true.

Do you mind if I ask who said that?  

 

4 hours ago, rachel23 said:

I just feel my situation is so different to anybody else’s I’ve read with ocd - People with pocd are disgusted by the thoughts but I feel nothing when I think of them or I feel arousal.

Well I think you are feeling something by the fact it's upsetting you and posting this.  Look, every text about OCD is going to be somewhat generalised, there will always be people who don't fit the usual and so please don't take the text too literarily. 

 

4 hours ago, rachel23 said:

I feel my life has been snatched away from me.

OCD as made life difficult for sure, but there's no reason it will make the future difficult, but that may mean addressing the problem. Where in the country are you and I can try and make some suggestions for OCD specialist options.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s now moved to another incident that happened a few years ago that I thought I had got over.

I was masturbating one night over something normal and felt really aroused when suddenly an image of a naked child cane into my head. I tried to get rid of it for a while but it didn’t work so I had read to just let the thought/ image be there is what you should do. I did that and continued to touch myself but I was seeing and focusing on the image of the naked child and I orgasmed. I feel so dreadful and evil and guilty that I’ve touched myself and orgasmed over a child. What kind of monster am i?

I mean it didn’t start if with me pleasuring myself over a child , I was aroused about something normal when the thought came into my head. When I fee good/normal I have never considered masturbating over a child. How did I ever get so messed up? I thought I had settled this a year or so ago when I told myself I was aroused already and I could’ve then orgasmed no matter what image popped into my head but no. I don’t know how I’ll get past this. 

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18 hours ago, Ashley said:

is it possible that because you were suffering with OCD at the time

Yes I was definitely going through a very bad period of ocd or whatever this is when I read it. I hope it was because the content was sexual that I get that way. I read the article now and don’t get those same feeling I don’t think.

 

18 hours ago, Ashley said:

Well I think you are feeling something by the fact it's upsetting you and posting this

It’s not exactly the thoughts that upset me, what upsets me is that I’m a bad person in society, I feel like I’m holding secrets and I don’t want to be a bad evil person, like a pedophile. This makes me feel selfish too as I’m not upset at images or thoughts of children being abused but I’m upset at what person that makes me, if that makes sense.

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Just now, rachel23 said:

How did I ever get so messed up?

You're not actually messed up, you simply struggle because you're suffering with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Rachel.

I suspect that the original beliefs around the fear of being attracted to children as never been dealt with, which is why this keeps popping up.  We can of course advise you, but I suspect you may need to work with a therapist to explore your beleifs around your thoughts (I.e. CBT with an OCD specialist).

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18 hours ago, Ashley said:

Do you mind if I ask who said that?  

I will message you separately 

 

18 hours ago, Ashley said:

here in the country are you and I can try and make some suggestions for OCD specialist options.

That would be really helpful. I have had quite a bit of help though so I’m worried about what options I really have left. I will message or email you seperately. Thank you 

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No worries, my email address if my PM box is full again is ashley@ocduk.org  

There are always other options, other specialists for treatment Rachel :)

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