In desperate need of some advice please

[Saz]

I'm on my way into work but feel really overcome with anxiety. I'm going to have to write this quick and explain better later.... But I just need some help and advice... 

Long story short I've met a really nice guy and although we are just friends I feel it could be more than that. Unbelievably he has just told me of something that happened to him as a small child that has almost destroyed him - my fear!!! What are the chances of that? What are the chances I've met someone who says he cares deeply for me that has had happened to them what I've been petrified of for years! I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle this. How on earth do I begin to comprehend this. Its just brought everything back to me and I'm in pieces... Help...

[Binxy]

Morning Saz,

You handle it like any other trigger or intrusive thought. The guy said something about his past, this triggered your worry that you've done something wrong- now, how are you going to deal with that? There are a load of compulsions that have probably already started- you need to recognise these and do you best to stop doing them.

Come on Saz- this is nothing new. Same meat, slightly different gravy...

Hope you have a good day.

Binx

[taurean]

Totally agree with Binxy. 

Saz I said before that you have to expect your brain to make up connections to your OCD fear, to try and hook you back into the fear that your obsession is true. 

It's how our mental illness works. For all of us. 

So, your friend had an unwanted experience as a child, and your brain is connecting it back to your obsessional fear. 

Regrettably many of us have had such an experience as children, and at least now it is in the open and kids encouraged to speak about it. 

I am not quite sure how your conversation got to such a subject, but don't read anything into it. Your friend is one of very many, including myself, to have experienced such a thing. 

And you will now no doubt be experiencing the compulsive urge not to see him again, just because he had a bad experience as a child and your OCD is flagging it up, trying to make a connection. 

What do you think I would suggest you do, and why might I suggest it? 

[Saz]

2 hours ago, Binxy said:

Morning Saz,

You handle it like any other trigger or intrusive thought. The guy said something about his past, this triggered your worry that you've done something wrong- now, how are you going to deal with that? There are a load of compulsions that have probably already started- you need to recognise these and do you best to stop doing them.

Come on Saz- this is nothing new. Same meat, slightly different gravy...

Hope you have a good day.

Binx

Thanks Binx... But can you believe that? I mean of all the things... Nothing like exposure hey

[Saz]

4 minutes ago, taurean said:

Totally agree with Binxy. 

Saz I said before that you have to expect your brain to make up connections to your OCD fear, to try and hook you back into the fear that your obsession is true. 

It's how our mental illness works. For all of us. 

So, your friend had an unwanted experience as a child, and your brain is connecting it back to your obsessional fear. 

Regrettably many of us have had such an experience as children, and at least now it is in the open and kids encouraged to speak about it. 

I am not quite sure how your conversation got to such a subject, but don't read anything into it. Your friend is one of very many, including myself, to have experienced such a thing. 

And you will now no doubt be experiencing the compulsive urge not to see him again, just because he had a bad experience as a child and your OCD is flagging it up, trying to make a connection. 

What do you think I would suggest you do, and why might I suggest it? 

Thanks Roy and sorry you went through that. He decided he wanted to be really honest with me about everything in his life and said he felt he could trust me.... Which he can.... And now actually I feel dreadful that I'm even mentioning on here. He knows nothing of my fear /worry/ocd or whatever. He's now contact the police as he wants justice.... And rightly so. Its just so overwhelming. 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Saz

[taurean]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Thanks Binx... But can you believe that? I mean of all the things... Nothing like exposure hey

And that's exactly how to treat it

 

[taurean]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Thanks Roy and sorry you went through that

I have never told anyone else about it.

But I mentioned it here to help you put this occurrence into a proper, not OCD, perspective. 

[paradoxer]

With OCD everything is 'connected' - and nothing at all. It's a wonder what selective focus will do. 

[Orwell1984]

Saz that’s the ‘joy’ of ocd, it always seems to connect things and coincidences happen so very often with it. An example which happened to me over the past week- my dad has a heart condition (newly diagnosed and I’d never heard of the condition before) and was to go into hospital for a procedure. My boss’ father collapsed a few days ago, guess what, same obscure heart condition. Then there have been things on tv about British heart foundation and even bloody Tim on coronation street having a mini heart attack.

I cannot explain it but it’s a weird phenomenon that the brain does- connects everything and I guess with ocd we see these connections more.

However, it could be worse, I have known people with schizophrenia who see connections in absolutely everything. It must be exhausting.

Look at the good part of your story- your new friend feels he can completely confide in you and that is such a lovely quality for someone to have. He sensed the goodness in you. Smile and take heart even though the doubt is nagging away!  

[Saz]

On 01/04/2019 at 23:08, Orwell1984 said:

Saz that’s the ‘joy’ of ocd, it always seems to connect things and coincidences happen so very often with it. An example which happened to me over the past week- my dad has a heart condition (newly diagnosed and I’d never heard of the condition before) and was to go into hospital for a procedure. My boss’ father collapsed a few days ago, guess what, same obscure heart condition. Then there have been things on tv about British heart foundation and even bloody Tim on coronation street having a mini heart attack.

I cannot explain it but it’s a weird phenomenon that the brain does- connects everything and I guess with ocd we see these connections more.

However, it could be worse, I have known people with schizophrenia who see connections in absolutely everything. It must be exhausting.

Look at the good part of your story- your new friend feels he can completely confide in you and that is such a lovely quality for someone to have. He sensed the goodness in you. Smile and take heart even though the doubt is nagging away!  

Thanks Orwell. Sorry about your dad's heart condition, hope he's Ok. X With your examples of the connections for yourself, they are real things, ie real heart conditions with your dad and boss.. So I think my fear must be real too and its just a mad coincidence that this person happens to have the exact fear I have. I feel it doesn't mean its not true. Sorry I can't explain this very well...I hope you know what I mean. Stressful times. It is lovely he confided in me... Imagine if he knew my fear x

[Saz]

On 01/04/2019 at 15:44, taurean said:

I have never told anyone else about it.

But I mentioned it here to help you put this occurrence into a proper, not OCD, perspective. 

I appreciate that Roy and I am really sorry, can't imagine what impact that had on you. I guess I worry now that your horrible situation is one which the person in my 'false memory' will find themselves in many years from now. My anxiety had just sky rocketed :(x

[malina]

Hi Saz,

I can understand why this would completely throw you off. I think the advice everyone has given you is really the way forward, you have to see this just as you would any other aspect of your OCD. I would just say that if your partner is now actively dealing with this (i.e. getting police involved), just make sure that you're practicing some self care as well. I think any time someone we care about is going through a stressful time, it becomes stressful for us too. So just keep checking in with yourself and make sure you get support when you are struggling. 

I think that children having unwanted experiences is much more common than we think. I think many times, nobody says anything and it gets swept under the rug and forgotten. So, firstly, while it may seem like an insane coincidence that your fear has actually happened to your partner, it may not really be. In fact I also think that my biggest fear is something that may have happened in my partner's childhood. I think that if you dig into anybody's life, you will find something bad has happened to all of us and sometimes it just matches up to our fears.

Best of luck, I hope things go well for both of you!

[taurean]

41 minutes ago, Saz said:

I appreciate that Roy and I am really sorry, can't imagine what impact that had on you. I guess I worry now that your horrible situation is one which the person in my 'false memory' will find themselves in many years from now. My anxiety had just sky rocketed :(x

 

It's something that happened a long long time ago and not anything that bothers me. 

You have to not buy into the connections your brain makes to other issues you come across - that's the OCD at work, that's what it does. 

My brain used to try and make links to all kind of things. Once I refused to acknowledge these, it eventually gave up. 

[Saz]

Hi everyone. 

Don't want to start a new topic...so will just add to this one. 

I can't stop worrying that the memory is real and it's the thought of being found out that's giving me the ocd/worry/anxiety. I keep comparing it to other situations that I know are real or true and it the consequences I fear. I've thought about this over the past few weeks but done well to not let it get to me....today it feels like I'm ignoring something very urgent and important and that I've just been pushing it away hoping it will disappear and leave me alone x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi saz

In sorry to hear you're still struggling with this. Unfortunately I'm not surprised as you are still giving it attention, trying to figure it out, and generally treating it like it's a valid concern. 

I'm not sure there's much I can say that I haven't said before. You will get these waves of anxiety. You will go through periods you're convinced is true. It's counter intuitive but that's when you need to not give it attention. If you treat it as meh you will soon feel like it's meh. But if you take it seriously you will feel like it's serious. X 

[Saz]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi saz

In sorry to hear you're still struggling with this. Unfortunately I'm not surprised as you are still giving it attention, trying to figure it out, and generally treating it like it's a valid concern. 

I'm not sure there's much I can say that I haven't said before. You will get these waves of anxiety. You will go through periods you're convinced is true. It's counter intuitive but that's when you need to not give it attention. If you treat it as meh you will soon feel like it's meh. But if you take it seriously you will feel like it's serious. X 

Thanks gbg. Hope you are ok. 

Yes I have been ignoring it... I'll have to be stronger and carry on trying to do that and not let it take over. So bloody hard x

[gingerbreadgirl]

It is so hard and I am not good at following my own advice! But you are stronger than ocd and you can do this x

[Saz]

On 24/04/2019 at 19:49, gingerbreadgirl said:

It is so hard and I am not good at following my own advice! But you are stronger than ocd and you can do this x

Thanks gbg. Yesterday was a bit more settled for me. Just wish I could be rid of this forever. Its taken away so much of my life already. Hope you are ok x

[taurean]

5 hours ago, Saz said:

Thanks gbg. Yesterday was a bit more settled for me. Just wish I could be rid of this forever. Its taken away so much of my life already. Hope you are ok x

Hi Saz, 

You can be rid of it in due course. 

But you will need to stop giving belief to the intrusions, connecting with them. 

As with all of us, these continue until we consistently disregard them. When we don't, then they continue to appear. Summing up :

Listen to them, believe them, connect with them - they continue to come and frequently. 

Ignore them, leave them be, don't believe them, don't connect with them, refocus away from them - they gradually lose power and frequency. 

When we get to do this as our new default behavioural response, the change is wonderful. And if an intrusion should occasionally pop along, we become able to gently but firmly ease it away. 

You will recall Binksy did this. 

And the same mechanism works for all manifestations of OCD. 

It works best alongside some structured exposure and response prevention. Your therapist will have told you how to do that. 

Best wishes 

Roy 

[Saz]

20 hours ago, taurean said:

Hi Saz, 

You can be rid of it in due course. 

But you will need to stop giving belief to the intrusions, connecting with them. 

As with all of us, these continue until we consistently disregard them. When we don't, then they continue to appear. Summing up :

Listen to them, believe them, connect with them - they continue to come and frequently. 

Ignore them, leave them be, don't believe them, don't connect with them, refocus away from them - they gradually lose power and frequency. 

When we get to do this as our new default behavioural response, the change is wonderful. And if an intrusion should occasionally pop along, we become able to gently but firmly ease it away. 

You will recall Binksy did this. 

And the same mechanism works for all manifestations of OCD. 

It works best alongside some structured exposure and response prevention. Your therapist will have told you how to do that. 

Best wishes 

Roy 

Thanks Roy, I think I'm a lot better than I have been... Probably all the other stuff I've had going on my life had unfortunately (or fortunately depends how I look at it) has had me pretty distracted. I just seen some pictures from the wedding and I feel triggered pretty bad, got that heavy lead feeling in the pit of my stomach x

[gingerbreadgirl]

1 minute ago, Saz said:

I just seen some pictures from the wedding and I feel triggered pretty bad, got that heavy lead feeling in the pit of my stomach x

Note it and move on. Shrug your shoulders and carry on with your day. Don't connect with it. 

[taurean]

2 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Note it and move on. Shrug your shoulders and carry on with your day. Don't connect with it. 

Absolutely. Things like that will pop along and you need to do exactly as GBG states with any trigger thought. 

"We can't stop the waves, but we can learn to surf" - that saying by Jon Kabat-Zin really helped me to do exactly this.