Am I in denial? - Fraud (Merged Thread)

[malina]

4 minutes ago, don't know said:

When I give up I feel like everything I thought was true was a lie. I don't feel anything. There's like this block I guess. Maybe because I so good at convincing myself. I just feel really sad. 

I think more than anything you're just really confused. You say you don't feel anything, but then you also say you feel lighter, you feel sad, you feel anxiety. Like you contradict yourself in the same sentence sometimes. 

It's okay to be confused, you're going through a lot emotionally and this is really really hard. 

It's just that you should know that your approach is wrong and it's making you worse. Reading your posts is like watching a person who stands in front of 2 paths (the wrong one and the right one) and choosing the wrong one every single time. And I understand why you do this, the right path where you believe that you have OCD, seek help, stop compulsions, is hard. It forces you to go against what you feel to be true. On the other hand, the path where you engage with your compulsions is easy, even though it makes you feel bad in the long run.

It's like a person trying to lose weight - to stop eating things that are bad for us is hard because they taste good, even though they damage our health long term. But it satisfies the person in the short term so they go for it and eath whatever they like and then can't lose the weight. Same with alcoholics, they have to stop drinking but it satisfies them in the short term, so they continue to do it even at a detriment to their own health. This is where you are now, you have to stop engaging in this, but the compulsions satisfy your anxiety, so you keep doing them.  

You also filter our a lot of the completely logical information that everyone is giving you and you hone in on information that confirms your fears. You believe things that make no sense (like for example fate), but you ignore sound advice. The mistakes in your thinking are so absolutely clear to so many of us, but not to you. It takes time and I really hope that you will find a way to make a change and accept that you need to do something differently. 

[don't know]

When people say it's okay to be confused I understand that it's to be nice but it makes me feel worried because I feel as though I'll end up doing these things. Also because some people said that they had intrusive thoughts about these things and they are now engaging in it. 

I tried to see these things I do as compulsions but wouldn't someone who is trying to see if they are into that stuff would be finding all these resources etc? 

Especially as everything seems so automatic now. 

 

Edited April 6, 2019 by don't know

[Sputnik]

5 minutes ago, don't know said:

Also because some people said that they had intrusive thoughts about these things and they are now engaging in it. 

Who says that? OCD doesn't work that way. Are you familiar with Ego-dystonic and Ego-syntonic? My therapist explained this to me yesterday. Here's the description from Wikipedia:

Egosyntonic refers to the behaviours, values, and feelings that are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with one's ideal self-image. Egodystonic (or ego alien) is the opposite, referring to thoughts and behaviours (dreams, compulsions, desires, etc.) that are in conflict, or dissonant, with the needs and goals of the ego, or, further, in conflict with a person's ideal self-image.

In OCD, the themes we ruminate about are ego-dystonic. They are not things that relate to or correspond with who we are and what we actually want. Despite this, OCD does everything in its power to convince us we do want it, and therefore we are terrible/evil/wrong. So however much you might feel an urge to do these things you're afraid of doing, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. You might feel convinced you want the thoughts, or ruminate about them so much you can't be sure what you feel. Everything gets so twisted and mixed up through analysing that you end up feeling completely confused. You may think you don't ruminate, but every single one of your posts is full of rumination. Take a step back and try to look at what you're doing.

Also, thoughts and actions are not the same thing. You have not done anything to be ashamed of. I know you may think that having these thoughts/feelings is as bad as having acted on them, but it really doesn't work that way

[don't know]

I read it on these other websites. It was like there was something that never felt right until they finally did it. I'm sorry if that triggers people. 

 

[PolarBear]

What you have been doing is NOT working. Going to those other websites is NOT working. Ruminating is NOT working. How many more years will you continue to do these things that are NOT working?

[felix4]

5 hours ago, don't know said:

Also because some people said that they had intrusive thoughts about these things and they are now engaging in it. 

 

2 hours ago, don't know said:

I read it on these other websites. It was like there was something that never felt right until they finally did it. I'm sorry if that triggers people. 

DK,

Forgive me if I have the wrong end of the stick here, but are you indirectly seeking permission from OCD sufferers to carry out a sexual desire/fantasy outside of what is seen as normal?

I just can't work out if you are trying to give yourself the go ahead here by finding a sufferer that has engaged in such activity, as if "it must be okay then", or is this perhaps not a desire/fantasy at all, but instead, something that you fear so much, that you are trying to see if sufferers act on their thoughts, as in testing?

All the best.

Edit: I too am sorry if this triggers people!

 

Edited April 6, 2019 by felix4

[don't know]

Oh my god no! I don't want to. I'm scared I'll end up like that! I accidentally typed in lie instead of like.

I'm sorry - what if I'm not panicked enough! 

Its clearly not OCD. I'm just confusing people at this point. I'm sorry. 

Oh god I don't feel panicked enough, what is wrong with me! 

Edited April 6, 2019 by don't know

[Sputnik]

23 minutes ago, don't know said:

Oh my god no! I don't want to. I'm scared I'll end up like that! 

So what's so wrong with you? You're demonstrating a healthy sense of morality here.

[felix4]

31 minutes ago, don't know said:

I'm just confusing people at this point. I'm sorry. 

Oh god I don't feel panicked enough, what is wrong with me! 

DK,

Without being rude, I do struggle to get to the bottom of what you are trying to say, but that is probably anxiety doing the talking your end, & I am quite easily confused anyway! 

Try & relax, & stop trying to measure whether you are panicked enough, or not enough.

I know I keep banging on about it, but I still think you need to see your doctor & discuss! You are only young, and you should not be struggling alone like this!

 

Edited April 6, 2019 by felix4

[don't know]

How can I not be panicked people think I want to do these things, I don't. I don't have a desire to, I don't sit and fantasize about these things. But I keep getting these feelings like I want to do them. I don't - I feel fine when I go a day without them and I feel back to normal. But then I worry if I'm in denial about it. 

I'm scared because whenever I read articles or other people's stories, somebody said that they kept getting thoughts about committing these acts and it ended up being true. So I'm scared that's me. I'm scared because one day I woke up and now I'm just this way. I've never wanted to do these things and I'm scared. But then I question if I actually am scared. 

I'm so fed up of everything to be honest. I thought I was a good person, I guess not. I'm constantly feeling awful because of this. I can't have friends or family because I'm scared I don't like them or I'm going to end up acting out on them. 

Edited April 6, 2019 by don't know

[Sputnik]

8 minutes ago, don't know said:

How can I not be panicked people think I want to do these things, I don't. I don't have a desire to, I don't sit and fantasize about these things. But I keep getting these feelings like I want to do them. I don't - I feel fine when I go a day without them and I feel back to normal. But then I worry if I'm in denial about it. 

I'm scared because whenever I read articles or other people's stories, somebody said that they kept getting thoughts about committing these acts and it ended up being true. So I'm scared that's me. I'm scared because one day I woke up and now I'm just this way. I've never wanted to do these things and I'm scared. But then I question if I actually am scared. 

I'm so fed up of everything to be honest. I thought I was a good person, I guess not. I'm constantly feeling awful because of this. I can't have friends or family because I'm scared I don't like them or I'm going to end up acting out on them. 

DK, this all sounds EXACTLY like OCD. Stop digging this hole. There is no magical answer at the bottom of it.

[malina]

14 minutes ago, don't know said:

How can I not be panicked people think I want to do these things, I don't. I don't have a desire to, I don't sit and fantasize about these things. But I keep getting these feelings like I want to do them. I don't - I feel fine when I go a day without them and I feel back to normal. But then I worry if I'm in denial about it. 

I'm scared because whenever I read articles or other people's stories, somebody said that they kept getting thoughts about committing these acts and it ended up being true. So I'm scared that's me. I'm scared because one day I woke up and now I'm just this way. I've never wanted to do these things and I'm scared. But then I question if I actually am scared. 

I'm so fed up of everything to be honest. I thought I was a good person, I guess not. I'm constantly feeling awful because of this. I can't have friends or family because I'm scared I don't like them or I'm going to end up acting out on them. 

DK, what you’re describing here is 100% OCD! I don’t really know what anyone can do to make you believe that but it’s so blindingly obvious. Everything you describe here is literally how most of us feel! 

You’re just going around in circles and torturing yourself when you could be trying to deal with the problem.

[felix4]

1 minute ago, don't know said:

But then I worry if I'm in denial about it.

There's the answer to your original question DK, you worry! 

Listen, I am sorry what I wrote was potentially triggering, but I was kind of hoping it might be sobering in a way. 

Your latest post is screaming out OCD, so why not see your doctor & get reassessed, and then referred for CBT again? Whilst there, ask them about doing theory A or B!

 

 

 

 

[helen10937]

..

Edited April 7, 2019 by helen10937

[helen10937]

..

[don't know]

I've done the whole theory A and B. It doesn't help. The side for why the obsession may be true wins out everytime. I'm back to just feeling confused again. 

I got anxious again over something that didn't used to make me feel anxious. I don't think it didn't. Now I feel it. Maybe it's something ingrained in me. I'm not sure. 

Edited April 7, 2019 by don't know

[Sputnik]

Theory A and B doesn't necessarily help if you're so immersed in OCD thoughts that you can't think of anything that might mean they're not true. That's why it can be useful going through it with a therapist, who can help guide you through it and get you seeing things more realistically.

[don't know]

I did try doing that with my therapist. I'm sorry I don't mean to be difficult. 

[malina]

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I did try doing that with my therapist. I'm sorry I don't mean to be difficult. 

DK, you have to understand that 6 months of therapy isn’t really that much time to change a pattern of thinking you’ve developed over your entire life.

i know you say you tried and I don’t want to be harsh, but judging by how resistant you are to any advice, I don’t really think you put in the effort that you need to get better. I’m saying that because therapy is hard work. You don’t just try something with a therapist, you keep working on it until it sinks in.

You have also said that you didn’t tell your therapist about these thoughts. You have to be open with them and speak up for yourself. If something isn’t helping you have to tell them.

What do you have to lose from trying therapy again? Trying something certainly has to be better than doing nothing and suffering on your own.

[don't know]

I literally just became like that four years ago. I woke up one day and it started. The therapy was two years ago so actually not a long time. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm just not acknowledging it. I tried many different exercises, mindfulness etc, and none of them worked and I did I worked really hard at them, bought some books about OCD and read through them and I felt like I couldn't relate to any of the experiences. i even tried watching some videos about OCD and trying those exercises and seeing people describe their experience just made me feel like a fraud. 

[paradoxer]

23 hours ago, Sputnik said:

So what's so wrong with you? You're demonstrating a healthy sense of morality here.

I wouldn't confuse 'morality' with OCD's dictates ((the disorder has nothing to do with morality), it just feeds into the 'veracity' of OCD's calling. 

[Sputnik]

25 minutes ago, don't know said:

I literally just became like that four years ago. I woke up one day and it started. The therapy was two years ago so actually not a long time. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm just not acknowledging it. I tried many different exercises, mindfulness etc, and none of them worked and I did I worked really hard at them, bought some books about OCD and read through them and I felt like I couldn't relate to any of the experiences. i even tried watching some videos about OCD and trying those exercises and seeing people describe their experience just made me feel like a fraud. 

I think it highly unlikely (if not impossible) for a person to simply 'wake up' one day that way. I suggest you do look into getting some support, as you deserve to live your life uncontrolled by intrusive thoughts

8 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

I wouldn't confuse 'morality' with OCD's dictates ((the disorder has nothing to do with morality), it just feeds into the 'veracity' of OCD's calling. 

Oh I wasn't speaking in relation to OCD itself, I was trying to challenge DK's statement that they don't feel negative reactions towards the thoughts I know that OCD thoughts are not related to our genuine wishes. But yeah, you're right I'm probably only fuelling the thoughts now so I will desist! Thanks  

[don't know]

It's definetly not intrusive thoughts. I ended up reading about a woman who thought that she loved her husband but then out of the blue left him and ended up marrying her cousin. Literally no red flags and then that happens. What if that's me? It seems like it. I was reading through the post and my stomach feels lighter. Oh my god, I'm sorry for wasting everyone time. 

[don't know]

I've spent an hour reading everything I can about this woman who ended up engaging in incest. She said never thought about it until she suddenly did. I keep getting these thoughts around everyone. I don't want them but they are there and there's nothing I can do about them. I was reading a part of a post of hers and I started literally feeling aroused. I'm tired and I'm scared and to be honest I don't know how much longer I can go on with this. It doesn't matter how much you think it's just OCD all this **** just comes back. All of it. I don't know how to cope. I can't go back to the doctors because they'll put me on medication and I won't even be diagnosed with OCD. I'm so stressed out because it's the truth. I don't know how I feel. I feel lighter and that's a sign.

[felix4]

10 minutes ago, don't know said:

I can't go back to the doctors because they'll put me on medication and I won't even be diagnosed with OCD.

Well DK, you'll never know unless you try, & as for meds, well you can refuse and say you want CBT instead!

I know it is hard because of the theme, but you need to be more proactive in getting this sorted. How about getting on to the charity and asking for help to get a referral to see a proper specialist Doctor in OCD for a diagnosis?