Am I in denial? - Fraud (Merged Thread)

[dksea]

10 minutes ago, don't know said:

The only thing is that logically if I'm having these thoughts and the things that used to bring me happiness make me feel ill and anxious. I think that's a sign that maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. 

Thats not the only logical conclusion, in fact I don't think its logical at all.  Its far more logical that you have OCD, which would perfectly explain all the symptoms you are describing.  Is there a reason you are so unwilling to consider this?  Do you believe that we would be lying to you for some reason?  What do we have to gain by claiming you have OCD if you don't?  That isn't logical.  Surely you can see that?

[malina]

25 minutes ago, don't know said:

The only thing is that logically if I'm having these thoughts and the things that used to bring me happiness make me feel ill and anxious. I think that's a sign that maybe I'm not the person I thought I was. 

I don't have a plan. 

I’m sorry DK but this is absolutely not logical. You’re speaking here with people who have the same thoughts as you. By your logic, we are all in denial about being terrible people.

I have some pretty dark and awful thoughts and urges to do horrible things. To me these urges seem very real. In fact, sometimes the thoughts don’t make me feel bad at all and I too have wondered whether I’ve actually wanted to do these things. Yet I chose to accept that I have OCD and that these urges are not real. I have never ever acted on these urges and accept that they are the result of fear rather than me being a bad person.

Now does that mean that I too am in denial? Am I just a terrible person that deep down wants to do the bad things that are in my mind.

if the answer is no, why are you different? 

As @dksea said, we have nothing to gain from telling you any of these things. 

 

[Sputnik]

4 hours ago, malina said:

I have some pretty dark and awful thoughts and urges to do horrible things. To me these urges seem very real. In fact, sometimes the thoughts don’t make me feel bad at all and I too have wondered whether I’ve actually wanted to do these things. Yet I chose to accept that I have OCD and that these urges are not real. I have never ever acted on these urges and accept that they are the result of fear rather than me being a bad person.

I absolutely concur with Malina, and have experienced exactly this (as I bet most people here have too!). There's no set way you might react to those thoughts - sometimes I feel so exhausted by intrusive thoughts, I feel as though I'm starting to accept them and like them and that really scares me as well - but it makes sense that if you wear yourself out fighting something, you might start to think you're 'giving in' when your brain gets tired. You don't have to fight the thoughts, you can just let them come and go. You're under no obligation to act on them. I know it may feel like you might do so without meaning to, but the reality is you have the choice and I expect that deep down, you know you won't. I have to remind myself of this constantly, as I have had very similar OCD themes (and still do, but I think I'm starting to make progress in not letting them control me, through the help of the people here and the information available).

[felix4]

15 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel like people on this forum think I'm a freak because of this.

I don't think you are a freak, and I am sure nobody else on here does either. 

I just see a potential sufferer going around in circles, frequently creating almost identical threads, which border on reassurance seeking. Furthermore, I am not sure we are helping you by keep reassuring you all the time that our medically unqualified belief is that it is OCD!

  

[PolarBear]

10 hours ago, don't know said:

I give up. I'm tired and I'm just going to give in to it. I feel miserable sure but maybe I'm going through that five stages of grief thing. Actually saying that I'm giving up gave me some relief. Some people said it took them a while to get used to their desires, that's probably me. They also said that society brainwashed them into thinking they were 'normal' that's probably me as well. 

Well you go ahead and accept that you're a deviant! Awesome. No more beating around the bush. No needvto post here either.

But... in six months or a year or five years, whenever it is that you realize this accreptance is not working, that you're just as miserable as you were before, you can come back. Hopefully with an open mind and an attitude that you're willing to accept some advice.

 

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Well you go ahead and accept that you're a deviant! Awesome. No more beating around the bush. 

 

 

With the paradoxical nature of OCD, perhaps it might just help the OP to concede the possibility that they might be a deviant.  

[don't know]

I ended up going to a party tonight. The friend that I have the most anxiety around was there and I completely felt numb. I was terrified when they came up to talk to me. This is so awful. Literally every time I see their name or a picture I just feel numb. I kept 'feeling' or wanting to touch people and all that. I didn't want to go near anyone just in case I did that. I think people think I'm weird. I can't do this. I can't do the friendship thing or get a job or have a relationship. I can't do any of that. Maybe I just like the idea of these things but I can't have them or want them. Maybe I've just been brainwashed by society.

[don't know]

On the denial aspect. Nobody addresses why I would have anxiety around things that used to bring me happiness. That's what I'm scared about. I'm probably a liar to be honest. I tried talking to my mum about this and she said I probably didn't want these things - just liked the idea of them. I'm like how do I know if I just like the idea though. That probably is me. I don't want to do these things but I'm probably depriving myself. I'm going to end up like one of those lonely people because of all this. 

Edited April 3, 2019 by don't know

[PolarBear]

I thought you were going to accept your deviance. That includes not coming here to complain about it. 

I'm going to hold your feet to the fire. I don't want this going on for five years.

[Sputnik]

10 hours ago, don't know said:

Nobody addresses why I would have anxiety around things that used to bring me happiness. 

Because that's what OCD often does. It takes something that matters to you, (in your case, friends/family) and convinces you of your worst fears regarding that thing that you wouldn't have given a second thought to before. Before I suffered from OCD, I didn't worry about hygiene, or harming people, or any of the other themes I have had since.

[malina]

19 minutes ago, Sputnik said:

Because that's what OCD often does. It takes something that matters to you, (in your case, friends/family) and convinces you of your worst fears regarding that thing that you wouldn't have given a second thought to before. Before I suffered from OCD, I didn't worry about hygiene, or harming people, or any of the other themes I have had since.

This is exactly it. I also think that your worry that you have lost your emotions is making it worse. When you see things or people who should make you happy, you then panic because you’re worried that you won’t feel anything. Also by analysing whether you want things or only like the idea of them makes it all worse. The constant analysing is only going to make you enjoy things even less.

At this stage in my life I want nothing more than to marry my partner and start a family. Yet every time I try to envision this life I completely panic. Even seeing babies stresses me out because it’s a reminder of my fears about the future.

11 hours ago, don't know said:

I can't do this. I can't do the friendship thing or get a job or have a relationship. I can't do any of that. Maybe I just like the idea of these things but I can't have them or want them. Maybe I've just been brainwashed by society.

This is yet another aspect of anxiety - catastrophizing (sp?)

Firstly, even really bad people are parts of society. They have jobs, friends, partners etc. It’s not like they realise one day that they have weird sexual desires and then disappear from the face of the earth. 

I’m really curious, even if your worst fears are actually true, what do you think is going to happen? 

Even if you truly do want to commit incest and you have lost all your emotions, there is a big gap between wanting and doing. You have not done anything wrong and you still fully deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Even many people who have done terrible things deserve a second chance.

As long as you live, you can make your own decisions and choose how to behave. Having impulses doesn’t mean that you have to act on them.

As it stands, you most likely are suffering from an anxiety disorder. This certainly does make life hard but still you can have a good life if you work at it.

[don't know]

Maybe I'm just supposed to be this way. I keep panicking because all these things about fate keep popping up everywhere. I know feel as though I'm supposed to be this way. I don't even feel scared. I don't know. What if I'm supposed to be like this. 

[malina]

40 minutes ago, don't know said:

Maybe I'm just supposed to be this way. I keep panicking because all these things about fate keep popping up everywhere. I know feel as though I'm supposed to be this way. I don't even feel scared. I don't know. What if I'm supposed to be like this. 

This is exactly what I meant when I said you don’t think logically.

How is it that anyone is “supposed to” be a certain way? Don’t you have free will?

 

[paradoxer]

On 03/04/2019 at 15:47, PolarBear said:

I thought you were going to accept your deviance. That includes not coming here to complain about it. 

I'm going to hold your feet to the fire. I don't want this going on for five years.

Great post. Incidentally, in general playing 'bad cop' (often the kindest thing) gets the least appreciation!

[dksea]

10 hours ago, don't know said:

I keep panicking because all these things about fate keep popping up everywhere. I know feel as though I'm supposed to be this way. I don't even feel scared. I don't know. What if I'm supposed to be like this. 

Both of these things can not be true, they are mutual exclusive.  Either you are not scared about any of this, or you keep panicking.  

If you weren't scared, if you didn't feel anything then you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be posting everyday. If you weren't scared you'd simply be living your life, however you want, and that would be that.

On the other hand, if you had OCD, you'd be feeling a lot of doubt and distress, you'd be engaging in behaviors to try and counter the intrusive, unwanted thoughts you are having, such as rumination, reassurance seeking, checking, testing, researching, etc.  In other words behaving exactly like you are behaving.

So which is it?  Are you not scared or are you? If you aren't scared you shouldn't have anymore problems, you shouldn't feel the need to post here, you shouldn't be bothered by any of this.  If you are scared (and I completely understand if you are), then you will keep feeling distress, keep seeking relief and probably keep posting.  My money is on the later.

[don't know]

I'm not sure. It seems like I know how I feel and then all of sudden I actually see someone, feel extremely anxious and all my feelings are gone, completely automatic. I think I'm somebody that just likes the idea of things. I feel really emotional with the thought of these people not being my life anymore. But, then as soon as I actually come into contact with them I'm anxious and I feel the need to avoid them completely. It's weird, I'll then think that I hate them because I don't agree on a certain topic or the way they dress. I've tried to ignore the thoughts and carry on with my day but it's just really difficult. 

Also when I read anything about actually having no feelings or anything about incest my stomach gets lighter. Almost as though I've confessed this truth. I'm not sure. I don't why I say that because it means something.

Edited April 6, 2019 by don't know

[don't know]

It's like I found myself feeling emotional about the whole situation. I wrote all my feelings down to see how I felt. I'm not sure I feel completely frustrated. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You said you were convinced. Doesnt seem that convinced. 

[don't know]

I'm not sure what I feel. 

[Sputnik]

47 minutes ago, don't know said:

I'm not sure what I feel. 

That's OK 

[don't know]

At this point it's not. I've spent so long just confused and frustrated. I'm this close to posting on one of those forums and asking if they can relate to my struggles. They probably can. I can't tell my emotions. Nothing seems to be proof. Even when I read an article or a list of bullet points it seems as though I relate I don't know if I do. Maybe that's just denial. I also ended just reading about these things for hours and hours. I didn't come on here and post about it which means I'm probably just accepting my fate. 

[malina]

7 minutes ago, don't know said:

At this point it's not. I've spent so long just confused and frustrated. I'm this close to posting on one of those forums and asking if they can relate to my struggles. They probably can. I can't tell my emotions. Nothing seems to be proof. Even when I read an article or a list of bullet points it seems as though I relate I don't know if I do. Maybe that's just denial. I also ended just reading about these things for hours and hours. I didn't come on here and post about it which means I'm probably just accepting my fate. 

But you did come on and post, you’re doing it right now!

This is exactly what compulsions do, they give us temporary relief, which is why people continue to do them and it’s hard to break the cycle.

It’s natural that you feel lighter when you read about the incest/lack of emotion stuff. In those moments, you probably think “ok maybe this is me, I don’t have to fight it” and when you think you no longer have to fight, it’s a relief. Then the other side of yourself kicks in and you think “I don’t want this to be me”, which is when you post on here. But the relief you get doesn’t make it any more true, it’s just that resignation and acceptance (even of something potentially really bad) is a relief. 

 

[don't know]

But wouldn't acceptance mean that I am actually into this stuff? 

 

Edited April 6, 2019 by don't know

[malina]

9 minutes ago, don't know said:

But wouldn't acceptance mean that I am actually into this stuff? 

 

I knew you were going to ask this! The answer is no. It’s just that acceptance sometimes means “I’m giving up fighting” and giving up sometimes feels good because it’s easy. Look at yourself, you’re putting so much mental and emotional energy into trying to figure this out. I bet in the moments where you think “F this it’s probably true I give up”, it means that you can stop researching, thinking, trying to find an answer.

The relief doesn’t come from accepting that you want to commit incest. It comes from the idea that you can maybe stop investing so much energy into this search for an answer. 

You feel emotionally numb because you’ve used up all your emotional energy on this. The idea that you can stop doing this, even if it means accepting the worst possible outcome, is a relief.

[don't know]

When I give up I feel like everything I thought was true was a lie. I don't feel anything. There's like this block I guess. Maybe because I so good at convincing myself. I just feel really sad.