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Still struggling with the same worry


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I'm still going over (which I know I shouldn't)  why I acted a certain way 

I don't know why if im afraid of 'speaking' a bad thought aloud, did I find myself mouthing / moving my lips as to see if I could speak under my breath, I don't know why. 

It's the why, the what isn't as important because I knew at the time and still know now I didn't say what I feared saying (and yes I know you will all say I should be saying it) 

I'm just concerned with the WHY'S... I've realised this for a while now because what actually happened if anything at this time wasn't anything bad...it's WHY..

Like why....when I have a fear of something like this, why create doubt and why test it, I don't know if I was testing myself, I don't know WHY.

What is the reason? 

As I've said before someone who fears knives sometimes feels tempted to try and pick one up, why, is it to prove they won't do wrong...or is it a moment of being 'bad' I don't know 

I get so much guilt from not knowing why, of course ocd says the latter option "you were bad, admit it" 

But all of this makes me feel so guilty for that moment when I felt I lost all focus, and as silly as it sounds...I let the breath out without thinking...which caused the ocd to say NOW YOUVE DONE IT!!!!!! You have no idea what just came out!!! Ha ha ha I win. 

I am so tired of this big jumble of thoughts and the guilt attached, this picture that's been painted that I don't even know If it's real or not. Fed up! 

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