I am tired

[Pranjali]

Hello everyone, I had managed to keep myself away from the discussions as I was trying to cope on my own. But I feel I come back to square one and each time it happens that there is a strong voice in my head saying it is not OCD but rather your cowardice making you unable to face your wrongs. I was told I have OCD with sexual obsessions a few months back, after medication the intensity of the thoughts had simmered down. But little did I know, this disorder does not leave you. And this time around I just know I screwed up. I was going to a restaurant for lunch with my friends, my friends got out and I was parking my car. There was a car parked to my car, where the driver was waiting in the car. I feel he and I did something, I have had images and feelings of extreme disgust and cheating on my husband. I told this to my husband, who showed no reaction for he probably does not see this as cheating. I asked a friend of mine too who was one of the friends who got out of the car, and she said nothing like that happened. I feel something happened in between the time my friends got out of the car and while/after I parked my car. It has been hours and the thought seems to be consuming quite a bit of my attention. I know the phase of zoning out in middle of conversations because instances engulf you and you are not unable to be in the present. This time, this is real for me! I am a loser!

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

57 minutes ago, Pranjali said:

Hello everyone, I had managed to keep myself away from the discussions as I was trying to cope on my own. But I feel I come back to square one and each time it happens that there is a strong voice in my head saying it is not OCD but rather your cowardice making you unable to face your wrongs. I was told I have OCD with sexual obsessions a few months back, after medication the intensity of the thoughts had simmered down. But little did I know, this disorder does not leave you. And this time around I just know I screwed up. I was going to a restaurant for lunch with my friends, my friends got out and I was parking my car. There was a car parked to my car, where the driver was waiting in the car. I feel he and I did something, I have had images and feelings of extreme disgust and cheating on my husband. I told this to my husband, who showed no reaction for he probably does not see this as cheating. I asked a friend of mine too who was one of the friends who got out of the car, and she said nothing like that happened. I feel something happened in between the time my friends got out of the car and while/after I parked my car. It has been hours and the thought seems to be consuming quite a bit of my attention. I know the phase of zoning out in middle of conversations because instances engulf you and you are not unable to be in the present. This time, this is real for me! I am a loser!

Hello. 

You are saying you tried to "cope". Did you actively expose yourself or challenge your OCD? Because coping will not make you progress. It will at best leave you in the same state.

Edited April 11, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[St Mike]

On 11/04/2019 at 17:20, Pranjali said:

But little did I know, this disorder does not leave you.

The disorder wouldn't leave you without your active interventation.  Medication on its own is insufficient, the sufferer needs to decondition him/herself through a combination of CBT, mindfulness (in my opinion), good mental habits and lifestyle changes. You need to put in the hardwork to rid yourself of OCD.

On 11/04/2019 at 17:20, Pranjali said:

And this time around I just know I screwed up.

That's okay, everyone screws up. The thing is that, do you know where you screwed up? I suggest you read your post from a third person perspective and see how all the events fit into the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle.

 

Edited April 12, 2019 by St Mike

[dksea]

On 11/04/2019 at 18:20, Pranjali said:

But I feel I come back to square one and each time it happens that there is a strong voice in my head saying it is not OCD but rather your cowardice making you unable to face your wrongs.

I know how frustrating it can be to put in the work but still experience the OCD.  It's unfortunately quite common for OCD sufferers to even doubt they have OCD.  You are not alone in this, so try to go easy on yourself!  Your doctor has told you its OCD, and lots of us here have also recognized that.  Whenever you feel doubt, remind yourself of that, remind yourself that OCD makes us feel doubt, and that you are just going to trust that the doctor and all of us are right and OCD is lying to you.
 

On 11/04/2019 at 18:20, Pranjali said:

I was told I have OCD with sexual obsessions a few months back, after medication the intensity of the thoughts had simmered down. But little did I know, this disorder does not leave you.

I can relate to this, when I initially went on medication things improved so much I felt like it would never be that bad again.  Unfortunately our bodies don't stay the same, and all the different chemical changes throughout the day and over time can affect how well the medication works.  Plus outside factors like stress can affect us too.  I learned the hard way, as you are now that it takes more than medication to overcome OCD, thats the important role that CBT plays in teaching us how to manage OCD even when the medication isn't doing its job as well as we would like.  And yes, OCD is, at this point, a chronic disorder, its something we have to likely manage throughout the rest of our lives, and that sucks, but its not as scary as it sounds.  Like any other skill, the better you get at managing your OCD, the easier it will become.  If you keep at the CBT you'll be able to handle issues without even consciously thinking about it sometimes!  Its frustrating but you can absolutely beat this.  You can get back control of your life from the OCD.
 

On 11/04/2019 at 18:20, Pranjali said:

This time, this is real for me! I am a loser!

You are no more a loser than someone with diabetes or asthma.  You have a condition that affects your life, its not something you asked for, its not something you deserve.  Unfortunately the world is not perfect and sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Yes, its a burden that you have to live with that most other people don't, but you can do it.  Just do your best, don't be afraid to get help when you need it, and in time you'll be in a much better place.

You can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, eventually you'll come to a better place.