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Powerful Harm OCD

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I've suffered with OCD for years and experienced most themes but the most troubling so far is Harm OCD. I know a lot about the condition and have done some ERP with minimal success, so I know that the mantra "It's just a thought" doesn't work well for people that experience powerful urges and micro-movements. 

I'm really freaking out about something that happened the other day. I was doing some DIY in the garden and using a hammer to hang things up. I am very cautious when my neighbour is around as my harm OCD focuses on her, so as I had the hammer in my hand I was getting obsessive harm OCD thoughts about harming her if she came outside. I also have a big crush on her which again is undoubetdly the trigger for the harm OCD as well as hyper responsibilty OCD (as I always have to make sure the house is safe so a fire won't start whenever I leave the house and harm her etc etc) Obviously because I have a crush on her, I do worry a lot about the day when she ends up with a boyfriend (another recurring obsessive OCD worry) because I know I'll feel sad, angry, jealous etc so this is a recurring worry which ignites the harm thoughts i.e. I will want to harm her if she gets a boyfriend. 

So I am outside, half worrying about if I would see her leaving the house dressed up to go on a date I would get jealous and try to do something awful like murder her with the hammer. I was nervous, of course hoping that she wouldn't come out whilst I had the hammer in my hand. Sure enough, in a total and typical sods law way, I heard the door open and felt instant fear that she was going out on a date, I had my back to her and at the time this happened the hammer was lying on a bench next to a box of nails which I'd gone over to. I had the thought to grab the hammer in case she was going on a date so I would kill her and I felt that this is what I would want to do under those cirumstances, because in that second of thought I agreed with the rationale.. and in a nano second I physically grabbed the hammer! I remember feeling a little shock that I'd picked it up and was panicked a little bit, I also still had my back to her so couldn't see if she was dressed up, so I turned around nervously to check if she was dressed up, although I was more focused on that than doing anything with the hammer - she was in her work uniform so I felt instant relief that she wasn't going on a date, but then I still felt very panicked and stressed that I'd actually picked up the hammer as a result of the thought process I'd had leading up to grabbing the hammer (kill her if she's going on a date). 

I feel in whirlwind of guilt and I feel like I cannot trust myself, why did I act on the thought of picking up the hammer? It felt impulsive. I know I only picked up a hammer but it felt like I was ready to do something sinister and I worry what I would've done if she had been dressed up and going out on a date. 

I know this incident is very specific to my situation what with the crush / fear of her dating someone, but I wonder if anyone can relate to having an evil thought, agreeing with it and then starting a movement or action, or just acting on impulse?

thanks

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My god. You picked up a hammer. Turn yourself in, quick!

Look, you picked up a hammer. The rest was intrusive thoughts. And you trying to decipher what it meant (a compulsion). Let it go.

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Thanks for responding PB, however my issue is that I had the thought to pick it up to commit a crime and then did pick it up whilst agreeing that's what I wanted to do - but to be honest I did feel uneasy / guilty straight away so on reflection if I felt like that then it's highly unlikely that I would've done anything evil. 

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What happened is you had an intrusive thought. That disturbed you so you decided to check (compulsion) what you would do by picking up the hammer. That compulsion further freaked you out.

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Everyone has thoughts like this, people's thoughts are proper weird! 

What makes them different for people with this flavour of OCD is they respond to the thoughts, treat them as if they mean something.  The brain responds accordingly.  and the whole vicious circle starts up.

Is it OCD or are you a potential psychopath? There is no certain answer.  This is where the leap of faith comes in.  You leave it alone, without being sure. 

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