Helping Myself

[Cub]

Hi y'all

Just wanted to check in. I have a rare Saturday off, so I'm relaxing and watching some ITV crime-drama. 

I've actually been doing quite well recently; my head's been very calm and work shifts have been passing quicker and in much nicer fashion because my head's been feeling like a 'safer' place to be. I'm able to calm myself down more, steer myself away from thoughts that make me feel anxious from the inside-out - tight-chest, gurgling stomach, etc - and feel a little less 'tight' if you will. So that's been nice. I went through a period where I struggled with work and my thoughts, so I'm going to keep plodding away with this and see how I get along.

I have one or two frustrations but it's possible I may be pushing myself too much. My OCD gravitated around something years ago that I liked doing and now every time I try and think of that thing now, I get anxious; it's its own anxiety trigger. I try and make that thing 'work' in my head but it becomes a compulsion - which is very annoying and frustrating because I feel as though I've lost something and I'm forever reaching out, trying to get it back. I go over and over the thing obsessively in my head; except now I'm better at thinking about other things which steer me gently away and back from the issue. I then notice the positive effects; my breathing returns to normal, my chest loosens. 

I may have mentioned this before but I made a list entitled Things I've Learned With Anxiety - one of the key things was compulsive praying. By all means pray if it helps you feel closer to the God you believe in, but it's not going to cure the situation you're currently in. I think I partly pray for help a lot because I find it can be so hard to talk about the things in my head as I worry people will think me mad and no matter how much I try, I can't articulate it properly; it's very specific and it requires a great deal of articulation. I worry I've alienated people with my worries and feel rather ridiculous. Someone said to me a short time ago: 'they're not ridiculous if they're bothering you' and I suppose they are; I just don't feel 'quite right' and feel as though there are things slanted out of my reach I'm maybe trying too hard to get back. It feels like an obsession and a compulsion; I think to myself 'right, I won't let that thing bother me anymore, I shall focus on what I've got,' and then next day my brain's all, 'actually, maybe we could try this.' So it's a little frustrating; that something I loved has become so tightly tied up with the OCD to the point where it affects my day-to-day life. It was a very important thing to me and I don't know if I'm 'allowed' to have it anymore; if I'm forbidden by God to like it. 

That said, I'm proud of the progress I have made; remembering to breathe and distracting myself. I suppose that's because I've found other enjoyable things to distract me. I wish it wasn't so much about the 'things' but me myself; my passions have a lot to do with how I'm feeling and often present themselves as a help and a distraction. It makes me wonder if I'm not helping or distracting myself enough. But I have noticed improvements; work's become more enjoyable again, I'm more pro-active and productive and the hours just whizz by. I felt trapped in my work for a while but now it feels better. I hope I can carry on with that.

Thanks for putting up with this blather. I feel like such a weirdo with all this and wonder if I'm slightly unhinged, so thankyou for the safe space where I can talk about it.

C x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi cub 

Nice to hear from you  

I'm really pleased to hear you've been making progress and feeling generally happier about things, that's fantastic  I think these things can take a long time to properly recovery from and there will always be some frustrations in life (with or without ocd!) you have always seemed like a really lovely person and you definitely deserve to leave ocd behind  

Take care. 

Gbg x 

Edited April 14, 2019 by gingerbreadgirl

[Cub]

Hi Ginger

Lovely to hear from you, how are you getting on? 

It is frustrating yes, but it does take a while to recover. I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm holding myself back, or being held back by my anxiety because it honestly feels as though I can't truly reach my full potential. It's days off that are the worst; rather than going forth and conquering the world, I get kind of stressed and shaky and I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's something I'm still dealing with, sadly as I lack a kind of order. I get so stressed out most of all; all it takes is for me to get crowded in or for a couple of people to talk to me at once and I will snap. I honestly can't say I feel very competent. I do wonder if I'll ever leave OCD behind because it's there in my head; for a long time people have said I need to give myself time but even now I feel a bit broken and a little not quite right and I wonder if that will ever change. 

I'm sorry to sound so negative; I do try my best but it's got harder as I've got older and I'm scared of living in my head too much and not living my best life. 

C x