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Apology-Want To Tear My Brain Out (Merged Thread)


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I understand that things I worry about aren't like murder or harm or anything like that. I can understand with the questioning whether my feelings are real or not but with the sexual stuff - I'd say that's not meaningless. 

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10 minutes ago, don't know said:

I can understand with the questioning whether my feelings are real or not but with the sexual stuff - I'd say that's not meaningless. 

We've addressed this before. You need to take our advice on board, the sooner the better.

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

I understand that things I worry about aren't like murder or harm or anything like that. I can understand with the questioning whether my feelings are real or not but with the sexual stuff - I'd say that's not meaningless. 

Actually, all obsessions are meaningless. They're all junk. But we aren't talking sexusl obsessions. At least you haven't been for a very long time.

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And if we are, the same applies. The sexual obsessional themes are, in reality, just worthless nonsense created by OCD. 

They cause us distress because we believe them to be real, our true character. 

When we apply CBT and treat them as just OCD at work, don't believe them or connect with them, they will gradually lose power and frequency. 

Remember, our OCD can have us obsessing about literally anything. 

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I suffer with the concern over the lack of feelings and sexual themes; if it's not one it's the other. The thing is though it doesn't seem meaningless. Like how do I know that it's created by ocd and not just me? 

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29 minutes ago, don't know said:

When you put it into simplistic terms like that it doesn't feel like thats what my problem is. 

But that is how the OCD works. It doesn't seem like OCD, but it does seem to be real. 

It might just be a repetitive feeling of unease causing distress and the urge to research, ask for reassurance. 

It might be something phobic that created an obsession and unhelpful behavioural response and anxiety. 

It might be anything - I have come across some unusual ones in my time here. 

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I just don't follow a pattern, it just seems like everything is pointing towards the feared conclusion. I also stumbled across a woman on another forum who was so terrified about an obsession and it came true, who's to say that isn't me? I understand I'm repeating myself at this point but I don't see this to be OCD now. Yes, when I'm not focused on the issue I feel better but that's just me ignoring and it will come back. It's probably because it's the truth. 

I literally just watched a video about someone talking about their attraction to family members and I felt like I related to everything they said. I don't know. I think I'm just lying at this point. 

Edited by don't know
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Look don't know, what have you got to lose by treating it as if it's OCD, and disregarding it when it comes back? 

At the moment, your behavioural response just keeps it going. You believe what it says, that the threat is true. That makes the obsessional thinking stronger, and it comes back like a boomerang. This is what NOT to do. 

Give it a go for a few days. When the thoughts and the fear come, leave them be and get otherwise busy. And do that each time, just do not believe or connect with it. 

Keep off forums and researching. Get a good book, listen to music, watch TV, do your work. Determine your goal as not to allow any time or thinking to the obsessions and fears. 

It's a real game changer when this begins to work. 

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

Because maybe I'm not being true to myself and it seems like everything links together. I don't want to go and treat this like OCD if at the end it was never OCD.

What if you don't treat it as OCD and in the end it was OCD? 
 

6 hours ago, don't know said:

I can understand with the questioning whether my feelings are real or not but with the sexual stuff - I'd say that's not meaningless. 

The content is not meaningless, true, but your worries about it almost certainly are.

Consider a fire alarm.  Obviously if there is actually a fire in your house, thats a serious thing.  And if your fire alarm is working normally, and it goes off, you should respond.

But what if your fire alarm is broken?  The first time it goes off, its reasonable to respond like normal, to be concerned.  But you realize it was a false alarm and go back to normal.  So far so good.  But then it goes off again, and again, each time there is no ACTUAL fire, just the alarm.  So you get a professional technician to come in, and yup, the fire alarm is broken.  You would stop listening to the fire alarm right?  You know its not trustworthy.  It would be a terrible idea to keep panicking every time you heard the alarm go off.

Now in the case of a broken fire alarm the fix is simple, you just replace it.  Unfortunately we can't just quickly replace the broken alarm in our brains that is OCD.  Fortunately we CAN teach the alarm to operate more normally, thats what CBT does, but it takes time.  In the meantime you have to accept that the false alarms are just that, false.

Notice that the broken alarm sounds EXACTLY the same in both cases, whether the threat is real or fake.  Just like the intrusive thoughts you are having FEEL real (because all thoughts are real, you either have a thought or you don't).  But they are just false alarm signals, firing because of faulty wiring in your brain, not because of a real threat.

 

3 hours ago, don't know said:

I just don't follow a pattern

I'm sorry, but you absolutely follow a pattern, we've seen you repeat this same cycle of behavior over and over on this forum for a few years now.
 

3 hours ago, don't know said:

Yes, when I'm not focused on the issue I feel better but that's just me ignoring and it will come back. It's probably because it's the truth. 

Or its probably because thats 100% how OCD works.
 

4 hours ago, don't know said:

I suffer with the concern over the lack of feelings and sexual themes; if it's not one it's the other. The thing is though it doesn't seem meaningless. Like how do I know that it's created by ocd and not just me? 

Imagine you are a piloting a plane, its dark out and stormy.  You can't really see anything well.  Your plane is getting hit pretty hard by the winds, so its hard to tell which direction is which.  You are relying on your planes instruments to keep you safe, to keep you from flying to low and hitting the ground.  Suddenly a gust of wind hits your plane and shakes you up, knocking you about a bit.  You look at your instruments and see that you are climbing too high, so you try and level out the plane.  Over your radio you hear a voice, its a local traffic control tower,
Control Tower 1: "Don't Know, you need to pull up, your plane is going to hit the ground!"
You respond: "But my instruments tell me I'm flying straight."
Control Tower 1: "Don't Know, your instruments must be broken, we read you descending rapidly."
You respond: "I know, but my instruments tell me I'm flying straight!"
Another control tower pipes in:
Control Tower 2: "Don't Know, we see you too, you are definitely flying to low, please ignore your instruments and pull up, we'll help guide you in safely!"
You respond: "Ok, I'll pull up for a little bit."
A few minutes pass: "No, sorry, my instruments say I'm going to high again I need to straighten out"
Control Tower 1 & 2: "Don't Know, your instruments are WRONG!  Please pull up!!"
More Control towers  check in.
Control Tower 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9: "Don't Know, please pull up! You are flying too low, there is something wrong with your instruments!"

That is what its like with OCD, you are believing the faulty information your instruments are supplying to you because they are in your plane and you are used to trusting them.  But they can malfunction, just like your brain can.  You have many many people observing your flight and watching you plunging in to the ground, trying desperately to warn you, to guide you to safety. 

There are three possibilities here:
1: We are all lying to you on purpose for some reason
2: We are all collectively wrong about you
3: You are wrong

Which is most likely?  Particularly when the problem you might have (OCD) would be sending you false alarms to begin with.  If we are right, that you have OCD, it explains everything you are going through, it explains why you keep having these thoughts, it explains why you doubt that its OCD.  It explains why you keep going through cycles of behavior over and over and over.

You are struggling to accept this because you want to be CERTAIN about what the problem is.  Thats understandable, under normal circumstances it might even be a reasonable standard, to reach a comfortable level of certainty.  But what if the problem you have means you CANT feel certain enough like you normally would? 

Imagine you had a computer, and your computer could run tests to see if everything is working correctly.  What if something goes wrong with the part of the computer that runs the tests?  Now the computer will never tell you anything is broken, because the part that tells you if something is broken isn't working!  Thats what having OCD is like.  Your computers self check program is broken.  You need to patch it so it will work again, but first you have to accept that what its telling you, that its NOT broken, is wrong.  And you have to rely on outside evidence, outside experts to do that. We on this forum are part of those outside voices, who can look at your situation and help you realize something is wrong ( a medical professional should absolutely be involved in any mental health diagnosis).  

If you want to get better, you have to start by accepting that perhaps your own internal systems are compromised and you just can't completely trust what they are saying anymore.  You have to accept that you are getting some bad information and you need to respond based on that knowledge, not just what the instruments on your internal mental airplane tell you.  We want to help you avoid crashing into the ground, but you have to take a chance, listen to us and pull up on the stick, even though the instruments in your airplane say otherwise.

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I do want to be certain because it's just been like this for nearly five years, it's gets tiring after a while. I was on looking at this site and somebody said something about their feelings and I said to myself out loud 'that's me.' I can't deny that. That doesn't seem intrusive. 

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1 hour ago, don't know said:

I do want to be certain because it's just been like this for nearly five years, it's gets tiring after a while. I was on looking at this site and somebody said something about their feelings and I said to myself out loud 'that's me.' I can't deny that. That doesn't seem intrusive. 

Ok you want it to stop but what are you doing to make that happen? You say you want to be certain, so how do you think you are going to get this certainty? At the moment you are just going around in circles. What are you going to do to improve your happiness and quality of life?

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16 minutes ago, malina said:

I do want to be certain because it's just been like this for nearly five years, it's gets tiring after a while.

But we have been telling you regularly that this is absolutely bog standard OCD, one of its traps. 

OCD says without 100% absolutely certainty, how do you know that it is is OCD and not true? 

We tell you, and everyone else, not to get sucked into that. Accept the probability it is OCD, and don't listen to intrusions. 

We cannot make people do this, and usually they come round to this way of thinking in the end. 

But they could save so much of their life lost to OCD by accepting this a whole lot sooner. 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, don't know said:

I don't know, I know I say I should just accept it. I keep going back and forth but there's no point in denying things that are true. 

But if the truth is that they aren't true, why let your life be so massively disrupted? 

 

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19 hours ago, don't know said:

I also stumbled across a woman on another forum who was so....

I literally just watched a video about someone talking....

I’ve said this before I know...but this checking/researching for reassurance to disprove your fears is something you really need to work on....just as someone who fears they’ve left their front door unlocked has to refuse to go back and re-check. You made the decision to check out another forum it didn’t just happen all by itself. I know it’s being driven by the anxiety and how terrible you feel but next time could you try to allow the anxiety/doubt to be there and refuse to go down the compulsion route?

Initially it’ll be difficult but you’re no different to the rest of us here DK, we’ve all had to say to ourselves enough is enough I’m going to take the advice/suggestions on board and change my approach today. You really can do this, just give yourself a chance to begin proving to yourself what you’re capable of achieving.

Something that has also occurred to me and I’m just putting this out there as an idea, I could be wrong...but is it possible each time you post doubting you have OCD and receive confirmation that it is, you feel reassured the fears are false until the doubt hits again and you then post again? OCD’s a sneaky old customer and I do wonder if perhaps as I said last week, we’ve moved from assurance into reassurance territory here each time we respond with reasons why the issue is very much OCD.

Just an idea...and I absolutely respect seeing a therapist has to be your decision but please will you consider it again. I really believe it will help you much more to sit down with someone and work this through with them. I’m not sure if you’ve had a bad experience in the past with someone, it doesn’t follow though the person you see this time will be the same, have a think about it.

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I know that no one on this forum can tell me whether this is or isn't true, I'm just going on what I deal with on a daily basis. 

But then on the other side of that - what if it is true? I don't mean it in the OCD 'what if' I mean this could possibly be true. I could be lying about how I feel towards my family and friends, I could be holding onto them so I can prove that I have normal human emotions, and maybe that's not how I truly feel. Maybe I genuinely don't like them. Maybe I didn't realise until now. With the sexual thoughts - it's the same. 

Thats the thing, I ended up just accepting the fear, went onto one of those forums and thought I don't relate. I cried about it and then I questioned why I would cry about it - maybe I'm crying because I'm just being truthful. I'm not sure; it's all so complicated. 

On the therapy aspect, I've had two different therapists, supposed to be referred for a third time but the assessment put me off and never went back. I also thought I was doing better at the time. 

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When you go searching on other forums, you are carrying out a compulsion, and it didn't help you did it? 

Compulsions never will. 

We have many times told you how to get off this doubting merry-go-round, but you carry on listening to the intrusions, trying to work it out, find certainty - exactly, sadly, what not to do. 

You need to listen to Hal - he has wise counsel and you will benefit greatly from that. 

Leave the researching alone, take a break from forums, stop listening to intrusions, start applying what we have told you - and keep that going. 

You will be surprised - you can find strength you didn't know you had. 

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On 25/04/2019 at 13:12, don't know said:

I suffer with the concern over the lack of feelings and sexual themes; if it's not one it's the other. The thing is though it doesn't seem meaningless. Like how do I know that it's created by ocd and not just me? 

'if it's not one thing it's the another', you've answered your own question as to the meaningless of your obsessions - and it likely being OCD. 

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I completely understand why you want certainty, but eventually you’ll have to see that you will never get it.

When you decide to read those other forums and feel that you relate, does that give you certainty? It doesn’t seem to because you keep questioning that and continue reading those forums to try and find more to relate to. Then you come here and ask “how do I know?”. I understand you may think that you are just in denial, but you seem to spend a lot of time trying to convince yourself that your fears are true and yet it still doesn’t sit right and you still continue your search. How many more months, or years, do you intend to spend like this?

There is always a possibility that any of our fears could come true. I know to you some of the fears that other people have seem far fetched, but they are still possible. So should all of us sit in fear everyday thinking that it may happen? 

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I'm so unhappy it's unbelievable. 

I didn't have the thoughts today - no, I went into a full on depression. It was caused by an event that I need to travel to. All I kept thinking was how much I am dreading it and don't want to go. I always feel like this. I just seem so miserable all the time. I can't function like a normal person. In fact I don't even know how I feel, I'm always wrong anyway. I'm scared I just like the idea of things rather than the reality. That's probably true. I don't even set up unrealistic expectations either; I don't understand why I am like this. 

I literally just sit there and think why am I like this? Why am I so miserable all the time? On top of all these thoughts as well it just seems to prove that I'm awful. I truly am. I probably idealise my family and friends. I read articles about this and felt like I could relate. Maybe I just like the idea of them rather than them. I can't tell. I've accepted that I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Edited by don't know
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