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not knowing if it's wrong or not - Feeling Miserable (Merged Threads)


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i was cuddling with my dog and i got aroused but didn't stop cuddling him and kissing him because i love him so much but i dont know if i should have stepped back? 

also another thing... my sister was touching her genitals and scratching them with her pants and everything on and i felt compelled to look and i felt that i liked it. this happened twice or so... and i feel so ashamed even though i didn't get aroused i... don't know what to think. i feel so guilty why did i feel compelled to look and everything i just...

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now my sister touched my hand and i was like okay... she touched me but then she touched my hand again so i would shut up and when she was sliding her hand on mine i did the same i moved it hence I touched her and now im crying because i think or know i did it for sexual reasons her hand was soft and i liked the touch but no arousal and idk

Edited by lily17
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Lily, lily, lily, you’re using the forum to perform a compulsion again, you need to try and break this loop.

Refuse to get drawn into any debate about what your intentions were. You know the best thing you could do right now? Cuddle your dog, give your sister a hug too while you’re at and let whatever the thoughts that pop up do their thing w/o engaging with them.

 You need to do this lily, come on kick some OCD butt, why should your dog or sister be deprived of your affection? 

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On 19/04/2019 at 19:45, Hal said:

Lily, lily, lily, you’re using the forum to perform a compulsion again, you need to try and break this loop.

Refuse to get drawn into any debate about what your intentions were. You know the best thing you could do right now? Cuddle your dog, give your sister a hug too while you’re at and let whatever the thoughts that pop up do their thing w/o engaging with them.

 You need to do this lily, come on kick some OCD butt, why should your dog or sister be deprived of your affection? 

i cant handle it, hal. i was just looking at my sister's crotch and i allowed myself to look at it because i was enjoying it... and i honestly dont know how could this be OCD, i look to check if i like it and then it turns out i do and i stare at parts of her body im horrible ? 

Edited by lily17
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I dont know @gingerbreadgirl I'm stuck right now. I looked at her butt again and her belly was showing and then I looked again because I liked it and I let myself look because I was emjoying it I feel so ashamed why this deviant behaviour I feel ashamed and sad and I regret doing it but I want to do it again and I feel like a pedophile it's emerging inside me and I wanna cry so much

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When she crouches, her butt looks more prominent and thats why I think I like it because it reminds of an older girl, I once read about this and it makes sense but I shouldn't look even if I like it, it's not her real butt because it's much more prominent but what should I do? I feel so ashamed afterwards 

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9 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Why are you telling us this? 

Confessing. Seeing if you guys have any idea of why I feel compelled to look at her privates and stare at them, enjoying the whole thing... I just don't know

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4 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Compulsion 

Compulsion 

I think you do know lily :( you are playing ocd's game hook line and sinker. 

Yes, I understand they are compulsions but how to resist them when I feel compelled to look because I enjoy to look and I do it then I feel I finally stopped repressing myself, feeling like a whole true pedophile... ?

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1 minute ago, lily17 said:

how to resist them  

There is no easy way. You just have to take a leap of blind faith. Accept that you feel the way you do because of ocd. Grit your teeth and refuse to give it your attention. Do something else instead. It's that simple. But you have to decide to do it. 

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5 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

There is no easy way. You just have to take a leap of blind faith. Accept that you feel the way you do because of ocd. Grit your teeth and refuse to give it your attention. Do something else instead. It's that simple. But you have to decide to do it. 

Thank you, gingerbreadgirl. I'm gonna watch a tv show or something to find a distraction... and try to push away the thoughts. 

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okay so situation... i was at a fast food place having dinner with my best friend. getting intrusive thoughts, being afraid of touching her legs because there was my seat, the table and her sitting in front of me well... so then it comes a moment when i thought it's her i don't care if i do this i've felt attracted to her before so that's why i thought that and i was like shes not family so it doesnt matter HOW COULD I THINK LIKE THAT so i pressed my genitals on my seat thinking i was hurting her sexually but she was on another whole seat in front me and i already checked that she didnt feel anything that i moved on my seat or felt violated/abused/sexually harassed or anything... but im thinking how could this be OCD if i didnt care it was her and here comes the thing... i sometimes feel sexually attracted to her but i couldnt have sex with her bc in the end she's like a sister to me so this part is not ocd...

some minutes later, i did it again, but like not exactly how I did it the first time... i did it more... tender? but i placed my hands on the table and maybe i hurt her sexually that way... well i told her whar i've done again and she was like "woah" like joking as if she liked what i just did and i thought "if she likes what i did, the idea of it, then its fine i have consent to do it" and i feel horrible for thinking this!!!!!! this just destroyed everything, every stop step forward i've tales taken these past weeks, all gone... i antes on a thought, on a sexual thought and i deserve to be put behind bars no matter if i actually didnt harm her its the act and the intention what matters.

Edited by lily17
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please i wont be able to sleep tonight i feel like an actual rapist or sexual abuser im so devastated i did that im just thinking... if my hands were on the table i might have moved it even tho those tables cant be moved they're glued to the seats but might have moved it on accident even tho that wasnt my purpose what even was my purpose...???????

Edited by lily17
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I promise it will be the last time as I plan to close my account on the forum since my therapist doesnt want me to be here but I need... I just need a little impulse. Tell me what you think about what I posted... 

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