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Need some support...


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I am dealing with a very stressful situation at the moment and I could really do with some support or advice from fellow sufferers.

A very close friend of mine died today. I cannot even find the words to describe how sad I am. Of course losing a loved one is enough to cause a huge amount of distress anyway but adding this on top of the ocd... I'm sure you understand...

I feel very selfish for what I'm about to write and I hate myself for experiencing the feelings you'll read in the next lines. But I have to do it because I'm not sure how I can cope without support.

My friend's funeral is in two days. As I currently live abroad, I need to travel in order to tell her the last goodbye. The problem is that I suffer from contamination ocd... Airports and planes are my worst fear. I consider them extremely contaminated and I feel that I can "see" the germs. And then I feel that I've transferred the germs wherever I go after landing. For this I avoid travelling as much as possible. I'm crying as I type this but due to this fear I haven't been able to visit my family for 1,5 year...

Thinking that I'll be travelling soon...it's a crippling fear...not sure how I'll deal with it. I'm not even gonna go into the details of my contamination ocd as I know you people understand how the simplest things can seem impossible for an ocd sufferer.

I feel so guilty and selfish for thinking about such things during this time. What kind of person worries about how dirty their plane seat will be when they've just lost a loved one?!! I feel horrible for thinking about myself at this time and I hate that I can't help it. I'm just lost for words. Sadness, guilt and ocd are so mixed up at the moment that I don't even know what I'm crying for anymore.

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Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss and your situation, wish I could do something to help you. Ocd can be so irrational and overwhelming I don't think non-sufferers can understand how difficult it is to overcome even in the most extreme circumstances, in fact the more emotional a situation is, the worse the ocd gets seems to be often the case. I know this is poor long term advice, but is there anything you could do just in this one situation to get yourself on the plane? Could you speak to the airline staff in advance, for example, and see if they could do anything to help you feel more comfortable? 

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Asking the airline to go above rhe usual is a compulsion. Don't involve others in your rituals. It was compulsions that got you into this mess and it will only be stopping compulsions that will get you out. Whether that happens now or some time in the future.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 21/04/2019 at 11:14, Wren said:

so sorry for your loss and your situation, wish I could do something to help you.

You already helped me by writing such kind words! Thank you, Wren!

 

On 21/04/2019 at 11:14, Wren said:

Ocd can be so irrational and overwhelming I don't think non-sufferers can understand how difficult it is to overcome even in the most extreme circumstances, in fact the more emotional a situation is, the worse the ocd gets seems to be often the case.

I know, it's so difficult. And stress amplifies it so much more. It's already difficult enough to complete everyday tasks, let alone deal with unpredictable circumstances.

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Not coping very well to be honest.. :sad:

Let me first say that I did manage to travel and attend the funeral. I somehow kept compulsions at a minimum, almost close to nothing during my whole stay...

BUT: the amount of stress I'm feeling at the moment is beyond description. I haven't felt so much stress in a very long time, perhaps even never before. Of course, I always get anxious when OCD flares up but this time it's awful. I usually manage to stay positive and retain some control over my feelings but now it's taken the best of me, I just feel that I've lost the plot and I can't think clear.. It doesn't even feel like OCD at this point, more like an anxiety cloud over my head - if that even makes sense. And I'm not sure how to ease it. I just can't wait to return home tomorrow in the hope that things will start to feel normal again once this trip is completed. OCD is a nightmare :thumbdown:

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I'm so glad you managed to go to the funeral, and well done for getting on the plane. Do you think their is a chance that part of the stress you are feeling may be displaced grief? I think ocd can take over and act as a substitute for other emotions sometimes. You have been through a lot though, so I think you should not give yourself a hard time for feeling stressed. 

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Thanks, Wren, it means a lot!

I haven't thought about it until you mentioned it but, yes, I think you're correct, grief could definitely have some role in this. As if OCD wasn't bad enough on its own :tongue: ...

It's just that the anxiety is so overwhelming at this point. I'll try to take things slowly for now, hoping that these feelings will soon fade.

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