What if I lack the necessary ability to overcome this?

[BigDave]

I’m afraid I’m in trouble. I’m battling and I’m trying - I really am. I feel like it is all just too hard though. Yet, somehow, I have the faintest hope that someone somewhere will say that one thing that will help this go away. I realise what I’m asking is unreasonable. How could anyone simply take the pain away? I’ve been through countless therapy sessions with a therapist I really like and my psychiatrist is also supportive. But, I’m scared. I’m scared because this week I’ve had a major setback. I’ve gone back to doing compulsions that I thought I had got over. I’m scared because I know the answer to any question I ask will likely be to “stop doing the compulsion”. I also understand the logic of why that has to be done because you have to experience the thing that you fear to realise that it isn’t as bad as you thought it might be. I honestly get it. But yet here I am, struggling to escape a bathroom and struggling to walk into my room with wet hands out of fear of getting water on my television or computer screen. What’s worse is that over the past two years where certain aspects had improved, I also developed new aspects. I developed moral OCD issues. I developed greater problems with checking. It’s also sad because I feel like I almost defined these issues into existence where I used to say I think I might have that aspect. There is no assumption now. It’s a thing and it’s hell. 

Look, I’m not looking for sympathy or for anyone to tell me that it is all going to be ok but I do worry that I’m not strong enough to fight this. That being said, I really don’t want to go into any facility or anything like that. I feel like anything like that could see to my career and I really don’t want that. I’m passionate about my work and I’m good at it. I feel right now like I’m just a bit of a mess. I’m a bit sad and I feel a little hopeless. I’m sure this is just a phase I’m going through and I just have to get on with it but right now I feel like I just need a hug.

[taurean]

Dave, I struggled periodically for years until got into the right package of CBT therapy teamed up with The Four Steps, relaxation meditation and mindfulness. 

I had to believe I would find that mix and, even at truly low points, I felt it would come - and eventually it did. 

I don't want others to struggle as I did. So, as I am now retired, I devote some time most days seeking to here pass on knowledge I learned on my journey to others. 

Getting hit with other themes is horrible but the illness manifests itself in that way for some. 

But, remember, whatever the theme, the underlying OCD is working the same way, using the same despicable techniques. And a mix of the techniques of CBT will always apply. 

If you can add some mindfulness to your CBT therapy it will likely help you. 

Simply speaking, we do all our obsessing and compulsing in that part of the brain my therapist called the active "doing" part, where our brain wants to work on problems until they are resolved. Hence we can stay stuck in this "trying to solve" mode when obsessional thinking flares up. 

But she said a true state of mindfulness operates in the benign "just being" part of the brain, where our mental chatter slips away to calm, and we focus only in the present and just in the moment. 

I found learning how to slip into this mode, and leaving the obsessing and compulsing behind, was a game changer used in conjunction with CBT, and I can readily slip into the mindfulness mode, the transition being now very easy for me. 

I am no great mentalist, and if I can do this so can others. 

Edited April 26, 2019 by taurean

[Emsie]

45 minutes ago, BigDave said:

. I feel right now like I’m just a bit of a mess

Hi, first of all, here's a huge hug from me.

I have quoted the above because I think we've all felt like this, I know I have, but you ARE strong enough to fight this! I have felt like that too, but I feel I'm in a better place right now and I don't feel like that at the moment. You can feel different too. Just because you feel it, it doesn't mean you are. You're great at your job, remember that! Plus to have a job you're passionate about is amazing, you are in the fortunate minority!

As you said, I know you know what you need to do, and you have had some great achievements against OCD behaviours recently. Treat this feeling as a blip and keep going. 

I developed new themes too, so I know how you feel. I have been much better recently at not engaging in my intrusive thoughts and it's so true what they say as it really does lower the frequency and intensity of the thoughts. When you have that under your belt, it really gives you the impetuous to keep going. I've slipped over the past couple of days and the frequency went up again. So, keep going, see those improvements in action and learn from your mistakes and stick two fingers up to the false alarms that your OCD is creating. 

Hug xxx

[taurean]

Nicely put Emsie. And here's a group hug from the forum community, Dave. 

I had many challenges in my professional work, many competitors to combat, but my worst opponent has definitely been OCD. 

However using the CBT techniques advocated here we can overcome it. And if some extra therapy media are required, as they were for me, here is a great place to discover them. 

It's not an entity, OCD, but it can feel like one as when challenged the distortions it creates can up their game, add new themes. 

A calm, detached approach to such additional challenges is a great one. Resilience grows from inherent strength and a smidgeon of success. 

[paradoxer]

Wishing you the best BigDave. Beating OCD is never easy, and for some of us it's even more challenging. You say that you're good at your job and passionate about it ... well, there's your motivation. Don't let an inane disorder get in the way of it.  

Edited April 27, 2019 by paradoxer

[Guest]

Sending you hugs!

Have you heard of the analogy about ocd recovery being like hanging from a cliff edge?...

When you are on the cusp of recovering from ocd it can feel like you are hanging from the edge of a cliff by your fingernails. Below you is a endless abyss so you are desperately trying to hang on and not let go. But standing on the cliff top above you is another person - a friend, or a therapist - who can see that below your feet is a ledge, so if you just let go, the ledge would catch you and you could walk back up to the cliff top, if only you would trust what your friend is telling you. 

Sometimes, in my personal opinion, the first step to recovery is not about ability, or will power or resources but simply about trust -sometimes called the leap of faith. The great thing about trust is that it is not about strength, it's kind of the opposite of strength in a way - letting go doesn't require any ability at all, it's the hanging on to the cliff edge which requires strength (I'm pushing this analogy so far it's now becoming a bit David Brent-esque, but I hope you can see what I mean!). 

[Avo]

OCD is a bit of a shape shifter themes can often change over time. I know that's been my experience with some 'old favourites' coming back to say hello just when I wish they wouldn't!. What we need to try and keep hold of is that whatever the theme its still OCD and the principals in tackling it remain the same - so while it can be disheartening to develop a new theme it is just OCD's way of trying to cling onto its power over us. 

I really like wrens analogy about the cliff edge - its very true.  

Its also great to hear you love your Job, that's such a bonus in life, work is such a big part and it will make a big difference being so content in your job 

 

 

[BigDave]

I'm feeling a little weird today and I'm not sure why. I've been trying to address the problem, partially by reading my "Break Free From OCD" book. I'm feeling a little useless too.i have no doubt part of that is the depression at work but also I think there is some fair reason too. I feel like this place is really important. Yet, I don't want to use it for reassurance either, which I feel is what I use it for half of the time. It's really easy to get into a cycle of asking someone to reassure you and make life easier for you.

In truth, I don't know what I'm getting at. Like before, I think I just need a really big hug. There's stuff that I want to talk about that I don't feel I can because of a mixture of embarrassment and fear. My therapist says that my mind has blown it all out of proportion but I think what if he's just lying to me to make me feel better. It's a lack of certainty I guess but that doesn't help my mood.

Oh I wish that I had some easy answer to it all. If I did, I would pass it on to everyone  who suffered because it's really no way to live.

[taurean]

1 hour ago, BigDave said:

There's stuff that I want to talk about that I don't feel I can because of a mixture of embarrassment and fear.

That's so so typical in a sufferer from OCD. Best way to overcome this? Be strong and open up about it to the therapist. They regularly deal with exactly these issues. 

 

1 hour ago, BigDave said:

My therapist says that my mind has blown it all out of proportion but I think what if he's just lying to me to make me feel better. It's a lack of certainty I guess but that doesn't help my mood.

Why would a therapist lie to you to make you feel better? That's really irrational - therapy is all about teasing out of a sufferer what their inner fears are, then showing them how to confront and overcome them. 

1 hour ago, BigDave said:

It's a lack of certainty I guess

OCD demands certainty (to prove that it is all OCD and not real) which of course isn't possible. So until sufferers accept the probability it is all OCD, they are likely to stay stuck. 

Remember that depression can be a consequence of struggling with OCD (secondary depression). Tackle the OCD using CBT methods, and you also tackle this consequential depression. 

Hopefully this enlightenment will form the hug that you need Dave. 

Edited April 29, 2019 by taurean

[gingerbreadgirl]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much dave. It is really really rubbish  you can do this though. I think you're stronger than you think! Just keep going -  it's a marathon not a sprint as they say. 

Sending you  

[PolarBear]

Dave, remember that the journey to recovery is not linear. It's full of twists and turns, ups and downs. Cut yourself some slack, take a break from the battle and do something fun!

Edited April 29, 2019 by PolarBear