Feeling so guillty

[battlethrough]

I have to admit I have a problem with alcohol and I am going to seek help. 

I got very drunk on Saturday and think  I did something awful, I don't have Facebook or messenger but I woke up on Sunday and I had installed it drunk, earlier in the night my partner gave me the phone to speak to my non blood niece, she is 18 and she is a good looking young women, I've had intrusive thoughts about her before but drunk on Saturday I may have entertained thoughts or fantasised,and I think I may have installed Facebook to look at her profile picture, I also have a memory of texting her  but there is no record of it on messenger, could this be false memory or a texd just didn't go through. 

I hate myself so much for drinking myself into these States, I'm so sorry my partner has such a scumbag as me, I love her and can't beleave I could do that, really losing the will to live with who I am, I have uninstall both messenger and Facebook but am haunted by the fact I thought about my niece in this way and looked at her profile picture and even contemplate texting her, I feel so much guilt and think this time it really is something I need to confess, what if I did texd her and its just not gone through yet, I feel so vile, what the hell is wrong with me that I could gepodise my life in this way

[battlethrough]

I can't cope 

[battlethrough]

I have betrayed the women I love

[battlethrough]

Surely this behavior is unacceptable 

[battlethrough]

All the hard work I've put in to manage ocd has been blown apart by my disgusting behaviour 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi bt 

I'm sorry you're still struggling. 

I honestly think one of the best things you could do right now is totally go cold turkey on drink at least for a good period of time. Drink and mental health problems are a potent mix - alcohol is a depressant and it just makes everything much much harder. I have numerous alcohol-related regrets from when I was younger and the best thing I ever did was get that under control and it started with giving up, for a long time, long enough to completely change my relationship with it. 

I think this needs to be your next port of call urgently. 

There are lots of resources to help with this - I really like a group called one year no beer (OYNB) which helps you give up for a period of time and make positive changes to your life but without having to give up forever or face any stigma. There's a book you can buy. There's another book I like called "this naked mind". Both focus on the positives of not drinking. I think it would be really really good for you to look into this. 

 

Edited April 29, 2019 by gingerbreadgirl

[battlethrough]

Thank you, I will stop but I still can't live with betrayel I've done

[gingerbreadgirl]

Nothing that's already happened can be changed. All you can do is move forward and try and make changes. 

[battlethrough]

I should tell my partner, I feel so guilty

[gingerbreadgirl]

What would that achieve? Absolutely nothing. The best thing you can do for your partner, and for you, is address your mental health problems. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I know you are looking for reassurance about what happened but you know that won't help, it is a pattern you've repeated many times and I hope nobody gives it to you. 

[battlethrough]

Thank gbg, finding it so hard, just so disgusted with myself, I love my partner so so much and booze makes so horrible,honestly think I should tell her, its so hard

[battlethrough]

What I did was wrong

[gingerbreadgirl]

Address the booze and your ocd. Confessing to her is a compulsion and it's not for her is it, it's to make you feel better. Do right by your partner and address the real issues. 

[Avo]

Hi Battlethrough, 

In regards to your Alcohol use - you admit yourself this is an issue. Have you contacted any organisations to help ? Alcoholics anonymous for example? tackling this issue will be a big help Alcohol just makes things worse, it will be having a massively negative impact on your OCD and mental health in general, and of course your physical health. 

Have you had any treatment for your OCD? I can't remember that clearly but I thought you may have in the recent ish past? Confessing is a massive compulsion and will serve no purpose. It will be unfair on your partner telling her things she doesn't want to hear. It will also tighten OCD's grip on you. I can guarantee that any short term relief gained will be very brief. Its inevitable that OCD will catch onto other incidents and confessing of these will be the predictable path. 

I know as I speak from bitter experience. 

 

[battlethrough]

Thanx

I have finished 12 sessions cbt, it helped but I have fallen hard with this, I am calling aa when I get the courage, just feel I've let my partner down so much, I don't get how I remember sending A texd,but no record of it,if I did then I was pursuing something witch is wrong in every way and surely deserves to be confessed

Edited April 29, 2019 by battlethrough

[battlethrough]

I can't help but think if my partner got drunk and installed Facebook and messenger to look at my nephews photos the tried to texd him I would deserve to know, I feel I betrayed in worst way, hard to live with this

[gingerbreadgirl]

How would your partner benefit from you telling her about this? She wouldn't. As avo says confessing is a massive compulsion and a very slippery slope which can have real world implications for you and your partner. If you feel you've done wrong then the best thing you can do is commit to making changes in your life. I know this is hard but you need to break the cycle x 

[PolarBear]

BT, this is just a repeat of what you've said a dozen or more times in the past. Nothing different. You come here, tell us a meaningless story, tell us you're full of guilt, you're worthless, yada, yada. Heard it all before. Same story.

Everyone has to stop trying to convince you that you're not a bad guy. That's reassurance and it never works.

 

Edited April 29, 2019 by PolarBear

[gingerbreadgirl]

I think it's a bit harsh to say it's a choice so don't do it, PB. Bt has said he has a problem with drinking. Alcohol is an addictive substance and I think people should get help to give up not be berated. It's not as simple as saying it's a choice so stop. 

That said I completely agree that any reassurance shouldn't be given. 

[PolarBear]

It was my understanding that BT only fid this occassionaly, not an ongoing thing. If I am wrong, I apologize. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

People can have a problem with binge drinking rather than daily drinking  - it can take many forms. That said I don't want to put words in bT's mouth! 

[PolarBear]

You're right there too. All the more reason to seek help because, whatever it is, it's affecting his mental health.

[gingerbreadgirl]

9 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You're right there too. All the more reason to seek help because, whatever it is, it's affecting his mental health.

Absolutely. 

[paradoxer]

The worst betrayal is jumping to the tune of OCD.