Reflection on how my anxiety has hurt others

[Jen_90]

Hi everyone,

I’m currently having therapy and taking medication, which has really improved my OCD/anxiety. I’m now able to see more clearly how ridiculous some of my past fears were, which seems to be a positive! It’s also made me realise how unreasonable I was. One of my fears was around cleanliness/contamination and it caused me to act in a way I wouldn’t now. There’s one particular thing I did, which relates to sharing something about my partner in an inappropriate way that I feel so guilty for. I understand that guilt is normal and helps us be better in future but I feel so bad that I want to tell him. I’ve been advised not to (including by my therapist) as it could hurt him. I’d basically be telling him to help ease my guilt rather than to help him in any way. 

I know I have been vague but I feel bad being too specific about what I’ve done (given it relates to someone else). To clarify, I didn’t cheat on them (as I know that’s a situation where, for me, the right thing to do would be telling him!). 

I Know I was wrong, however there’s not really any repercussions on anyone as the person I shared with wouldn’t tell anyone and is the most respectful, considerate person I know. The reason I shared was due to feeling so bad about the situation (I wasn’t just gossiping over a glass of wine!) but I now realise I was selfish and crossed the line. I keep thinking I don’t deserve my partner and am worried I should tell him so he can have the chance to break up with me.

I’m so happy with our relationship right now but the guilt is constantly there. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Treat yourself as you would with someone else with OCD. The only good way out, runinating about this will lead to more of the things you regret.

 

I feel the same way, I regret things I have done while obsessing, I find some of it really cringeworthy, but what can you do? You can't turn back time.

Edited April 30, 2019 by OCDhavenobrain

[Jen_90]

I feel like I don’t deserve to be with my partner because of what I’ve done. And I previously ‘blamed’ my actions on OCD however now I realise it was how I reacted that was wrong. I completely neglected to see his side of the story and reacted in a selfish way that didn’t take his feelings into account. 

I know telling him make him feel bad/embarrassed however I don’t want to deceive him.

[PolarBear]

Have you thought that this is OCD, under a new guise? There is a theme called Guilt OCD or Real Life OCD.

Principally, the sufferer did something in the past. Everyone else thinks it's minor but OCD blows its importance into something huge. Compulsions, notably ruminating, make the situation worse. The principal distress caused by the obsessions is guilt.

[Jen_90]

Thank you for everyone’s responses.

PolarBear, I understand what you’re saying and I am hoping that I am blowing this out of proportion however I also know that what I did was wrong. Even my therapist reacted in a way that made it clear how bad it was. She advised not to tell him on the basis it would hurt him but then she also said that if we argued and broke up it would set me back (which may be true but doesn’t seem a good reason not to tell him!). If it’s bad enough to make him break up with me then surely it means he hasn’t a right to know? 

My only defence is that my intentions weren’t malicious and that I shared with one person (who I trust and has also told me there’s no point in telling him).

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi jen

This sounds very much like ocd to me. I get very similar worries to this, I often want to confess things to my partner and have done many times, causing a big slippery slope. The thing is, we all do things sometimes that maybe we wish we hadn't. Your partner will likely have done or said things before that you might have wished he hadn't. That's life. It is messy and complicated. You could tell him this sure - maybe he'd react badly, maybe he wouldn't, but what good would it do? It might temporarily make you feel better but here's the kicker: if you tell him about this I can guarantee that something else will come along that you "have" to tell him, and then another. There will always be just one more thing. Going down this road can be really damaging. I ended up in a situation where every day I was coming home and confessing all the "bad" things I'd done that day and it drove my partner mad (and sometimes still does). I felt my partner had to know absolutely every little thing no matter how tiny. 

It is easy to kid ourselves that confessing to our partners is noble and honest and selfless but actually I think it can be the opposite, when driven by ocd it is actually selfish, it's putting something on your partner to make yourself feel better. Sometimes it is healthy for a relationship to just focus on now and leave things be. 

My advice is don't go down this road, chalk it up to experience. One action one time does not define you or your relationship. Don't ruin  the 99% because of the 1%. Just leave this be. It will feel uncomfortable for a while but eventually your anxiety will fade. 

Edited May 1, 2019 by gingerbreadgirl

[Jen_90]

Thank you for your responses. 

Gingerbreadgirl, I can see what you’re saying however I’m pretty sure what I’ve done is worse than you! Most people on here want to confess things that I would never feel bad about (meaning it’s definitely OCD) whereas even my therapist acknowledged what I had done was bad. 

Sometimes I can block it out my head but then other times I feel like the worst person ever. My biggest fear is that if he knew he would break up with me but the other option is living with guilt and deceiving him.  We live together and he’s the person I see myself with forever (I know we can all eventually get over a break up but I don’t want to have to as I’m so happy with our life together).

I have learnt from my mistake and I wouldn’t do it again but I just don’t know if that’s enough. If it was the other way around I would feel pretty mad at him...

 

[PolarBear]

I can't comment on your therapist's reaction but you'll have to trust me that the majority here would think your concern is minor. We've seen this many times. You didn't kill someone and even then muderers have been known to forgive themselves.