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Feel like I'm losing it


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Hi 

My OCD has reached boiling point in that i really feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel on edge and guilty ALL the time. I feel like I've been living this double life. My current worry is that every time I see a child, I'm scared i'm, i hate saying this but "checking them out"?! How could I do this?! Sometimes I get too anxious and don't look at all and other times i will look at what they're wearing then look back at their behinds for a split second, but why?! I don't feel anything other than guilt and shame, so why do I have the compulsion to look? It is literally for a split second yet I don't understand why I do it, is this part of the OCD? I don't know if this is reassurance seeking but I feel so lost right now. I can't see my counsellor until monday so really just looking for some guidance on what to do about these worries if anyone can help? Should I just ignore them and treat as OCD, will they go away? I feel like a monster and am constantly thinking back to things I've thought about previously to see if they arouse me and if I've thought something bad. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at my wit's end and scared about what this looking/checking all means. I don't ever want to harm a child and I don't have an attraction towards them but my brain keeps arguing with me saying I do. Am I a disgusting pervert? I feel like I'm completely losing myself and whenever I feel ok I think well I'm actually a terrible horrible disgusting person because of what I think and when I've looked. Please help.

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Hi there :)

This sounds like typical OCD, where everything gets very confusing and where you seem to doubt almost everything. You really need good structured CBT with a CBT therapist. Are you having CBT at the moment? 

You are doing a lot of compulsions, checking compulsions such as checking for arousal, clearly a lot of thinking (rumination), as well as avoidance. You're doing all of these things to make sure you aren't attracted to children because you really don't want to be, but the compulsions are what are adding to your self doubt and belief that you are a pervert. 

Despite how you feel you're just an OCD sufferer, a very typical one and you're struggling.

If you need some help now try the self-help books Break free from OCD and Pulling the trigger. They are really good, with the second having a personal account of someone who worried about harming people and shows their recovery. Both are excellent self-help books with tips on how best to tackle OCD. It isn't easy but you can overcome this :)

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19 hours ago, Gemma7 said:

Hi there :)

This sounds like typical OCD, where everything gets very confusing and where you seem to doubt almost everything. You really need good structured CBT with a CBT therapist. Are you having CBT at the moment? 

You are doing a lot of compulsions, checking compulsions such as checking for arousal, clearly a lot of thinking (rumination), as well as avoidance. You're doing all of these things to make sure you aren't attracted to children because you really don't want to be, but the compulsions are what are adding to your self doubt and belief that you are a pervert. 

Despite how you feel you're just an OCD sufferer, a very typical one and you're struggling.

If you need some help now try the self-help books Break free from OCD and Pulling the trigger. They are really good, with the second having a personal account of someone who worried about harming people and shows their recovery. Both are excellent self-help books with tips on how best to tackle OCD. It isn't easy but you can overcome this :)

Hi Gemma

That's exactly what it is! I feel like I don't know how i really feel about anything anymore! And the worst thing about it is I feel like a fraud and that i'm actually a horrible person :( even though i haven't done anything. 

I am having CBT yes so will mention this to my counsellor next week. Thank you for the book recommendations, I will definitely be having a look into those tonight. 

Thanks for your kind response, I was feeling really low when i posted that so this has really helped. 

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