Emotional ups and downs

[malina]

Over the past 6 months I have been dealing with a relapse in my OCD, this is the worst that it has been since I was diagnosed 11 years ago (although nowhere near as bad as that time). There is something that I have noticed about myself in both of these experiences. When my anxiety is at its worst, something within me kicks in and my emotional experiences overall get heightened. So even though I have felt completely awful feelings, my feelings of happiness and joy have also felt much stronger. It has been as if I have been experiencing my emotions in full colour, the very dark and very bright ones. I have had so much motivation to get better and, as a result, have become very focused on work and trying to do social things just to be engaged with life and this has helped immensely. However, as I have started getting better and my intrusive thoughts and anxiety are lessening, so are the positive feelings and I miss them. I am starting to feel tired and a bit disengaged. I want to try to keep myself as engaged as I have been but the feelings aren't there. 

Overall, in spite of the anxiety, I would describe myself as a happy person and I always have been. However, over the last few years I've really been through a lot of stress professionally and in my personal life (I think that all these events partly lead to my relapse) and I sort of felt exhausted and numb.

I was hoping that this bout of OCD was the kick I needed to get my life onto a better path. I have been doing CBT and have generally been trying to take better care of myself. So I was hoping that I'd get out of that numb rut and start to feel happy again. Yet, now I'm afraid that I'm just going back where I started. 

I think that I'm also still very anxious and need to give myself more time. I am just a bit panicked that I'm forever going to be going around in circles. What makes me so afraid is that both times my OCD has been bad, I didn't see it coming. I thought that I was happy and that life was going well and then woke up one day and felt as though the ground was coming out from under me. The relapse has helped me understand that this happening isn't really that terrible because it's certainly not as bad as the first time. I am armed with experience and information and I my ability to handle it this time has been infinitely better. It's just that life seems really unpredictable, especially with this condition thrown into the mix.

I just want to learn to feel happy without the anxiety. It's as though my positivity was coming out just to counter the negativity. 

[taurean]

Are you on any SSRI medication Malina? It could help balance out your emotional peaks and troughs, and ease the anxiety somewhat. 

Meds are very subjective as to what may help whom in what way, but mine did balance out my emotions and boosted my happiness. 

There are many books available to help boost our positive take on things. I used to be a very negative worrier, but thanks to self-help I no longer am. 

[malina]

1 hour ago, taurean said:

Are you on any SSRI medication Malina? It could help balance out your emotional peaks and troughs, and ease the anxiety somewhat. 

Meds are very subjective as to what may help whom in what way, but mine did balance out my emotions and boosted my happiness. 

There are many books available to help boost our positive take on things. I used to be a very negative worrier, but thanks to self-help I no longer am. 

Hi Roy,

no, I don't take any medication at all. I did take an SSRI for a short time when I was first diagnosed and then stopped. I just have some sort of aversion to them, I don't know why, it's just how I feel and had nothing to do with my experience taking them. I know they can help, I am just more for trying to change my behaviour and pattern on thinking.

[taurean]

Why not try the book "Light Mind:Mindfulness For Daily Living" by Padraig O'Morain?

I have found mindfulness a great way to slip away from obsessing, worrying, carrying out compulsions - and in a state of mindfulness my mind goes calm. 

[malina]

8 hours ago, taurean said:

Why not try the book "Light Mind:Mindfulness For Daily Living" by Padraig O'Morain?

I have found mindfulness a great way to slip away from obsessing, worrying, carrying out compulsions - and in a state of mindfulness my mind goes calm. 

Thanks for the suggestion! I have been learning mindfulness from my therapist and I find it really helpful in managing my anxiety. It's just that I experience depersonalisation a lot, this feeling of being detached and unreal. He's been trying to teach me to use mindfulness to help with that, kind of like grounding exercises or things to help me reconnect, but I find this hard. I think it's a matter of practice though!