What to do when intrusive thought is partly true

[rachel23]

I’m struggling massively right now with thoughts of being a terrible person etc because the way I feel about thoughts I’ve had about bad things in society happening.

Im really concerned though about intrusive thoughts I have that a partly true and they make me feel anxious so I start ruminating and I tell myself they’re not true because I feel guilty etc but deep down I know they’re partially true. For example my brother is starting a business so I had the thought , I hope it fails and goes badly. So I obviously feel guilty about it and start ruminating and saying of course I don’t really think that , I want him to be successful and happy etc but then on the other hand I do hope it goes badly as it’ll be a relief for me. Why should he get all the success whilst I’m here with a mental illness and why should he be happy and not me. I did the same process as I do with all my intrusive thoughts (feel guilt, ruminate) but this one is partially true, I just feel guilty about thinking that way. 

Now I think I was just using the ocd thinking process as a way to deny my own feelings and it feels like I could have done that about all my other bad thoughts about pocd and things. Ocd thoughts are not supposed to be real/true  but that one partially was. I feel guilty and so scared I’ve just been using the ruminating process as a way to cover up my real feelings about other thoughts and pretend it’s ocd because it feels like it. But ocd thoughts are not true.

im so confused and scared right now, has anyone experienced anything similar or understand what I’m going on about? 

I actually don’t feel too guilty that I’ve thought I partly hope my brothers business fails, just more scared about that I said no it must be ocd at first when it’s actually a true thought and what must this mean about all my other ‘ocd’ thoughts? 

 

My my brain is at a million miles an hour right now, I’m so scared about who I am and my life and the future.  I don’t know how to calm down and just stop thinking and ruminating and feeling petrified. X

 

 

[malina]

Hi Rachel,

it doesn't really matter that you thought about your brother's business failing. It was just a thought, there are absolutely no consequences of you thinking something. His business may succeed or fail and that will have absolutely nothing to do with what your thoughts, because thoughts don't influence reality. Also, many people might think the same in your situation, but there is no reason to feel like a bad person because our thoughts are our own private world and do not have any impact on what actually happens. 

Your other OCD thoughts are just that - OCD. All of our intrusive thoughts arise from something in reality, they are related something that we know about or have heard about, otherwise we wouldn't have the capacity to think of them. It's just that exaggerate them and start to think they are realistic and can cause us harm. 

You just have to stop ruminating, this is just OCD and you should dismiss it as such and move on. 

[Skippy]

I think OCD rumination can latch onto anything . If you are feeling “bad” about your OCD thoughts this style of thinking and obsessing can be applied to other thoughts you have which you perceive as “bad” . You are clearly concerned about these thoughts , you are clearly obsessing about them and the process you are following mentally is typical of OCD . I don’t think OCD neatly fits a simple theme we give it such as HOCD or POCD or ROCD. It is just OCD thinking 

[rachel23]

But I know the business may succeed or fail regardless of thought. I know thinking  it won’t make anything happen but I’m just worried that I followed the ocd thinking style even though I think partly that I would want it to fail because I don’t want him to be more successful than me or happier than me. It’s a grey area because in some ways I want it to fail and in other ways I don’t want it to fail.

I feel like I’ve thought the same way about all my pocd thoughts - I’m just saying to myself no I don’t enjoy them even though I’ve get moments of arousal. But then have I just felt or thought I’ve felt moments of arousal because they were sexual thoughts? 

I always thought if it feels like ocd it probably is. But ocd thoughts shouldn’t be true or real but like I said, the thought about my brother is a grey area. 

I know I’m ruminating and over thinking way too much but I can’t seem to stop. Im so scared. I sort the thoughts out in my head and then I tell myself they’re sorted but then they just come back so I just say they’re sorted on and on. I know I’m supposed to just let them be there and carry on with life but it feels impossible, the anxiety is so bad even though I know nothing is going to happen or change if I don’t ruminate over my thought. This illness/ whatever it is is truly a living nightmare. 

[Handy]

ruminating is a compulsion It makes your OCD stronger.

[rachel23]

But people that are just anxious or depressed about something also ruminate, ruminating isn’t exclusive to ocd. I feel so bad. What is ocd and what is just my own real thoughts and opinions that I just feel bad and guilty about that I’m ruminating about? What is the difference? Then I think all my bad thoughts May just be my own thoughts and true opinions that I’m feeling guilty about and ruminating about and not ocd. I’m so scared right now. 

[Handy]

Real stuff coincides with imaginary stuff sometimes, that's just how it is.

‘Rumination’, which refers to prolonged thinking that is experienced as
uncontrollable around and around the same subject includes both intrusive thoughts,
often in the form of doubts or questions, and repeated attempts to find an answer. In
this way it covers both the obsession (the doubts or question) and the accompanying
compulsive thinking which attempts to answer the question.

Edited May 7, 2019 by Handy