My OCD voice - so sweet, so luring ... so deceiving, so mean

[KaKop]

I (50 now and having OCD for around 45 years in retrospective) just wanted to write down my thoughts having at the moment ... 

My OCD voice in my head promises me that if I only check this again or think about that other new aspect of an existing or new problem and how to solve/fix it I will be relieved and peace of mind is imminent. Despite knowing it better I often fall into this trap. Since my problem is certainty in conjunction with perfectionism seeking mostly in non-living things where obtaining information is possible. I'm not sure when 'normal' rational thinking ends and OCD rumination begins. All to easy my OCD voice has trapped me in a vicious vortex of thoughts spiralling downwards. Many hours wasted. 

Consider your beloved car (if this is the case, like me) and a malfunction so it makes sense to think what to do, e.g. fix it by yourself or have somebody do it. But in my head a cascade of thoughts are triggered. Memories of - in my opinion (and sometimes others, too) bad done jobs - come to mind jeopardizing the status quo of this thing. It is mentally so paralyzing and it is only an inanimated thing - but under my control, my exaggerated feeling of responsibility or its meaning to me.

Another big OCD issue is our house where things were done improperly during construction, sometimes with tough financial consequences involving a lawsuit, sometimes more cosmetically, sometimes with consequences of unknown risk at the moment - maybe occurring in 50 years (not for me to experience :-) ). 

As already mentioned elsewhere I'm on Sertralin (150mg) and I wanted to start ERP by myself. The concept of ACT has been part of me for 7 years and a certain improvement can be attributed to it. Several private issues prevented me from starting ERP - my father (79) faces OCD and a very sever depression at the moment. Actually, all was prepared so that he would go in stationary therapy (for OCD). But he cancelled his appointment and continues his and - as a consequence - my mothers (86) suffering; her living with him is very tough. This has a certain impact on me, too. Unfortunately, I'm frail to new or recurring issues/problems as the above mentioned so it is hard to start with ERP. However, the last days have shown me to get started with it.

Oliver

 

 

Edited May 7, 2019 by KaKop