POCD and actually feeling real

[PAVLIS97]

Hi there,

I am back here scared and lonely, trying to get over this. Not gonna lie, it was the first time I actually feel suicidal because I am not able to determine wether a memory is actually real or not. But the I-did-a bad thing feeling persists.

2 days ago, my town held festivities that gather a lot of people together. They even set an amusement park for families. In the past, I have had POCD thoughts, false memories related to Pocd and stuff, but nothing like this. I was with a friend and her younger cousins and we decided to take them there to the amusement park. From the very first moment, I was vigilant about me getting attracted to teenagers. I am a 21 yo and I have never been attracted to kidsm, that's for sure. I simply recognize that when they grow up they will become beautiful bc of their features. By the time I was actualky going to leave and go back to my parent's location, I was at a moving store having some ice cream with my friend and some other people. It was crowded with kids, and I was already thinking that I might have intrusive thoughts of me having done sth sexual to a kid. I was about to leave when I saw a family leaning on a wall, just chilling. It was a little girl, a boy and a woman ( THE FIRST DAY I WAS SURE THAT THIS WAS IT). I didn't think much of it and left. As i was walking away, my mind would try to come up with a face of a kid and I only remembered the little girl's face (i am gay). From that point onwards, my anxiety escalated. I refused to ruminate at first but i was performing some mental compulsion involuntarily. At this point, I was feeling bad, I knew that if I could ask the mother I would be reassured, but i was feeling anxious. I went back home for some ERP, and it actually helped me a bit. My anxiety subsided but I still had this feeling of why am I even thinking about this this means I did sth. I didn't revist my memory, but an awful feeling would linger with me. I also started fearing that I would get arrested or that I got HIV since I have not had a sexual intercourse since 4 years ago (I have HIV Ocd) (those feelings made me feel guilty and that would lead me to my current obsession). In addition, I feared that it would become a new obsession of mine but I knew I had to perform the minimal amount of compulsions possible for it not to affect me). So I eventually calmed down and wrote down my memories at the time, that felt right. At the time, I barely had false memories, only images such as the girl with the boy and the older woman ( I guess it was her mother). I also looked up on google if something happened that day during the festivigies.

The following day, I still had the feeling of anxiety around, but I could manage. I even thought that I completely went through it, cuz I was back to normal. I refused to perform compulsions cuz I knew they would make everything worse. 

Today, I was going to go back to the festivities and that gave me anxiety. 

My ocd seized the opportunity and gave me doubt about what happened. Eventually, I found myself panicky 2 days after cuz the feeling of guilt felt real. I almost believed entirely that I did that, despite not having evidences to prove it. The fact that my friend told me that she doesnt remember me leaving her side, or that I spent the past two days relatively fine are evidence of me never doing it. I had images of the event that I imagine in my mind and they made me more nervous. I had suicidal thoughts, I need to figure out wether I did something or not. Every time I try to move one, the feeling of guilt make me doubt again, like did i molest that girl?

I am sorry for the mistakes but I just can't pull it together. I contemplated going to the hospital but I fear they may mistake me for a predator or sth. I feel like a monster, and not being able to shake it off makes me sick and my ocd last. I cannot even describe it with words.

Note 1: I can't let go cuz it feels SO real.

Note 2: Sometimes I doubt wether it is OCD or not. I feel relieved but then I go back to feeling like a monster that actually did something bad and is in denial (or was)

Note 3: during the first two days I actually disregarded the feelings and labeled them as OCD

[KaKop]

I'm not sure which book mentioned the subsequent stuff but it is pretty interesting - and this book is not about OCD!!!:

Your memory of the past is not fix - it is also plastic, i.e. every time you access a certain memory you change it. Like a book taken from a library and when putting it back in the shelf it has a bookmark or a little stain etc.. Depending on your current state of mind this alteration might be minimal or even to a greater extend. This becomes obvious when witnesses testify or describe a perpetrator. 5 witnesses and sometimes 10 descriptions over the course of a trial.

So there is no absolute trust in your memory. The harder you try, the more agitated you become and the more distorted your retrieved and stored back memory of an event becomes.

This has to be accepted because it is how our brain works.

 

Oliver

 

Edited May 8, 2019 by KaKop

[PAVLIS97]

35 minutes ago, KaKop said:

I'm not sure which book mentioned the subsequent stuff but it is pretty interesting - and this book is not about OCD!!!:

Your memory of the past is not fix - it is also plastic, i.e. every time you access a certain memory you change it. Like a book taken from a library and when putting it back in the shelf it has a bookmark or a little stain etc.. Depending on your current state of mind this alteration might be minimal or even to a greater extend. This becomes obvious when witnesses testify or describe a perpetrator. 5 witnesses and sometimes 10 descriptions over the course of a trial.

So there is no absolute trust in your memory. The harder you try, the more agitated you become and the more distorted your retrieved and stored back memory of an event becomes.

This has to be accepted because it is how our brain works.

 

Oliver

 

I know but after 2 days resisting, anxiety won and dragged me to the OCD side. Now I still fear having done something, I woke up with guilt. Talking to my therapist later, let's see how it goes.

Edited May 8, 2019 by PAVLIS97