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I've lost myself - Has anyone almost acted? (Merged Thread)


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I've been so stuck on this ocd theme that creates such guilt and self loathing that I forget to see who I really am.

Others see it, but I see this event as cancelling all the good out of me and that this one moment now defines who I am.

Even though I'm told it's OCD and it's THE ILLNESS TO BLAME I cannot grasp it.

Especially when in the moment you have just given in and tried to act.

I'm exhausted living in fear but cannot snap out of it.

 

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All i will ask is does ocd present itself in a way where we as sufferers find ourselves almost acting on what we dislike?

Has anyone here felt themself get close?

Then spiked?

Im finding it hard to seperate myself from a sufferer and a none sufferer

Eg - Someone without ocd gets an urge or impulse and they dismiss it

Someone with ocd gets an urge or impulse and feels like they want to do it even though its against their morals, it feels real, it drives them close

Does this make the ocd sufferer a bad person? Or is it a result of the illness, therefor unfair to compare themself to someone who can easily dismiss bad thoughts etc.

Ocd doesnt make me WANT to be bad but it seems to make me FEEL like i was being bad or wanting to...and its horrible 

I am left with things like this "WELL what kind of a person would try to do that? other than a BAD one?"

"Your friends wouldnt do such a thing (none sufferers) you are bad, they are not."

Please can anyone help me fight these thoughts and not believe ocds words?

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Sufferer new thread wont make any change

You got an answer in the other thread 26 minutes ago. Why a new one?

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

It seems to me that you only will accept the answers you make up yourself. And you are not satisfied with those so that makes it pointless even if we said all the right things

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3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Someone with ocd gets an urge or impulse and feels like they want to do it even though its against their morals, it feels real, it drives them close

This is exactly what OCD feels like. If it didn't feel real and go against our morals, it wouldn't bother us. 

3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Does this make the ocd sufferer a bad person? Or is it a result of the illness, therefor unfair to compare themself to someone who can easily dismiss bad thoughts etc.

Of course it doesn't make the sufferer a bad person. If that was the case, then we'd all be terrible people, yet we are in so much pain. We have an illness, this isn't our fault. 

3 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Eg - Someone without ocd gets an urge or impulse and they dismiss it

Why is it bad to have an urge or impulse and dismiss it? Everyone has urges, that doesn't make them bad people. 

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20 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

why did I let myself get so close to my fear and then decide wow what am I doing? 

Because thats how testing works.

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23 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

But I don't know why I'd test, I didn't plan to

Because you have OCD. Compulsions become habitual, they become actions we do without really thinking about it.  You test because it’s how you are trying to respond to the OCD.

Further, because of OCD, we interpret our thoughts and actions and moments of our life through the lens of OCD.

Take a fireman, a structural engineer, and an interior designer and put them in the same brand new, empty building, and each of them will evaluate it in a different fashion.  In one of my favorite anime series, one of the main characters is a teenaged agent for a secret organization. Raised on a battlefield, his instincts are primed for battle, for combat, for threats and war.  He’s assigned to a mission that has him going undercover in a high school, something he has no experience with.  Part of the comedy of the series is his (to us and most of his classmates) absurd reactions to everyday, normal high school life because he interprets what he experiences through the lens of his experience and expectations. 

With OCD we do the exact same thing.  What you interpret as a situation where you were on the verge of doing something you feared, was almost only interpreted that way BECAUSE of that fear.

A number of years back I was struggling with self harm intrusive thoughts.  Simply walking down the street could be difficult because I would get random thoughts and “urges” wondering if I was going to jump in front of the next car moving past.  At times I feared that if I didn’t fight it with all my might, I’d do just that.  The reality is I never even came close, despite my intrusive thoughts.  The only reason I even entertained the possibility in the first place was because that is what my mind was focused on.  I was seeing every thought, action, sensation, etc. through the lens of “what if I lose control and hurt myself”.  It completely colored my view.  Part of my recovery was letting go of that way of looking at and experiencing the world around me.  I had to challenge the false belief that having these thoughts meant what I feared they did.  You can do the same.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply :)

I think with me, it was kind of a moment where I felt like I was able to face the fear...but as soon as I did the Ocd then took over and made me doubt everything. 

it's like I tried to not be fooled but it seems to not stop until I get a spike and question everything. 

replaying it for so long has changed the event so much and added so many details that won't even be real.

I've just ended up believing anything it says and I'm beating myself up for literally anything it says I did.

when I sit back and take a breather I actually realise...hmm...I didn't actually do that, or I didn't do it the way Ocd says I did, it's been distorted so much.

I just hate the fact like you said that if I don't feel I do everything to fight it that I'm a wreckless bad person. 

I usually fight it off..and the one day where I thought "no you're not gonna win this time" it managed to trip me up.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

And that is why we or at least why I didn't answer you this week when you wanted me to give you the answers you wanted. Do you see what is happening? There is no easy way out.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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7 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

So it all goes back to blaming myself...

"if you're scared to speak under a breath then why did you test to see if it was possible?" 

"you took the risk"

Yet, it doesn't matter if you did utter the words because this is all based on an irrational fear. It's not real. You are literally afraid of a few words.

 

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3 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Yet, it doesn't matter if you did utter the words because this is all based on an irrational fear. It's not real. You are literally afraid of a few words.

 

I know.

Even in the Bible it says 

"he said this because they were saying...." 

And what they were saying and doing was nothing to do with what I fear, they were spreading lies around and allsorts.

 

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Just now, ocdsufferer85 said:

I know.

Even in the Bible it says 

"he said this because they were saying...." 

And what they were saying and doing was nothing to do with what I fear, they were spreading lies around and allsorts.

 

Well if you know this is an irrational fear, why are you so obsessed with trying to figure out if you said the words or not?

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That's why people aren't not afraid and tell me it doesn't mean literally speak, it's to do with what they accused him of and they went around spreading lies to work against jesus and killing people who didn't join them etc.

But I have this irrational fear that if an intrusive thought is spoken it's as bad.

Edited by ocdsufferer85
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Guest OCDhavenobrain
2 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I know.

Even in the Bible it says 

"he said this because they were saying...." 

And what they were saying and doing was nothing to do with what I fear, they were spreading lies around and allsorts.

 

It is ok to be religious and it's your faith but you don't need to look in the bible for an answer to why you are feeling like you do. It is very simple, and also, it is before your eyes in the threads you have made til today. 

When it comes to being tired, there is no such thing when it comes to OCD, it will not leave you because you are "tired". Sooorry but that's the truth.

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So say the words, out loud. Ten times in a row, forcefully, twice a day. Repeat every day for weeks or months if necessary, until the words no longer carry a sting. At the same time, you have to push yourself to stop trying to figure out that moment. What sense does it make for you to fixate on whether you did or didn't utter the words back then if you say them out loud now?

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