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Hi, I'm interested to hear from other survivors of poor parenting, its effects on you, and how to stop it affecting you negatively as an adult. (I'm 40 and I don't have kids myself).

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There has been a debate on the forum concerning attachment theory and therapy. About the importance in establishing secure psychological attachments in order to effectively explore the world. You need agency for this. The effect of parenting styles on adults is to be found in the work of Main and the work of Atkinson. Was the psychologist referring to this body of work? 

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Hi Angst, thanks for your reply. Yes, that and more. Looking for personal stories, if anyone wants to share. For people who identify non-secure attachments in childhood, what can we do about it as adults?

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The reason I know is because I remember you and what you have wrote. What I think is going on here is that you are analyzing it, it is not uncommon to do so when you have OCD, looking for things and events and their significance on your current state. Also, I would really hate to see that your view of your parents are impacted by your OCD, because one day we don't have them anymore. 

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Oh, thanks for your posts & for remembering me. Yes I am analysing - all the more so brought on by therapy I've been having with NHS psychologist.  Psychotherapy is analysing yourself / your past & then figuring out how you could do things differently??

Edited by seekingERPnorthwest
typo

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OCD doesn’t respond to talk therapy because talk therapy is based on reassurance.  Get an OCD therapist. 

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I've had conflict with my own family in the past and from my experience, focusing on how they have hurt you or contributed to your OCD will only make you sad and bitter. Ultimately, no parent is perfect and they did what they thought was best. You're an adult and you make your own path, if you feel that you do not have enough  agency, work on developing that now. I've personally been working really hard to mend things with my own family and they have come to understand my OCD much more and a very supportive now. So if you can, make the most of the relationship that you have with them. And work on getting better and learning to manage OCD, rather than trying to find someone to blame for it. Best of luck x

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Hi Malina, thanks for your reply. I hear your points but can you give me any more advice on what to do (or not do) about childhood trauma? Do you think there is value in first acknowledging what has happened / the hurt and then somehow trying to move forward? My understanding is that if you experience trauma as a child then the reason it will affect you into adulthood was because it happened when your brain was still developing... So that is why it's such a challenge to just move on / to change your attitude? It's a wonderful idea to make one's own path - any tips on how to do that?

Edited by seekingERPnorthwest

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5 minutes ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Hi Malina, thanks for your reply. I hear your points but can you give me any more advice on what to do (or not do) about childhood trauma? Eg. would your advice be to acknowledge it but then to somehow put it behind us and move on with a different attitude? My understanding is that if you experience trauma as a child then the reason it will affect you into adulthood was because it happened when your brain was still developing... It's a wonderful idea to make one's own path - any tips on how to do that?

I guess it depends a bit on your specific situation and what is happening now. I personally have never done psychotherapy and I generally try to avoid thinking too much about the past. I think it's important to focus on what you can do now and how you want to be in the future. What is your relationship with your family like now? Are you on good terms? 

I would certainly think that the best thing would be to put it behind you and move forward. Maybe think about the the behaviours you learnt from your parents that you don't like and focus on changing those. Ultimately, what do you want to get out of this? What exactly is the point of revisiting your childhood? I would understand if you were having a conflict with them now and needed to find a way to resolve it. But if the point is to just look into your past to identify what went 'wrong', you are just going to be ruminating a lot about the past without much to do. I also wouldn't consider my childhood to have been traumatic, there were just things that were not going well for many years. I really don't want to diminish your experience, but do you think having overprotective/intrusive parents is really traumatic? 

What did your therapist advise you to do?

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Thanks so much for your reply, Malina, it's really helpful. I'll get back to this thread when I've got a proper keyboard - 1 finger typing on teeny phone at the moment!

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30 minutes ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Hi Malina, thanks for your reply. I hear your points but can you give me any more advice on what to do (or not do) about childhood trauma? Do you think there is value in first acknowledging what has happened / the hurt and then somehow trying to move forward? My understanding is that if you experience trauma as a child then the reason it will affect you into adulthood was because it happened when your brain was still developing... So that is why it's such a challenge to just move on / to change your attitude? It's a wonderful idea to make one's own path - any tips on how to do that?

wait trauma? Do you refer to the neglect now. Look, you are ruminating, you really need to stop analyzing  how your past have impacted you. OCD. Now you will say but trauma is a real deal and I have experience trauma, trauma can be a real deal but you have OCD and I am pretty certain that you are ruminating everything about relationships and also past relationships, leave it alone til you have recovered and if you then think you have a trauma go with it. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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8 minutes ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Thanks. Just 2 sleeps until proper CBT starts!

That is great!! I think that in CBT you'll learn how to manage your OCD, rather than looking into the past for answers. The first ever therapist I saw (university counsellor) told me that I was having thoughts about harm (my main problem in OCD) because I was dealing with grief from when my grandmother had passed away 8 years earlier. No mention of OCD or any kind of diagnosis, I don't think he would have even recognised it. Needless to say, talking about my supposed grief and late grandmother did not help the intrusive thoughts go away and I was incredibly lost until I got proper help and had CBT. I hope you find it helpful too.

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