Sick of it!

[phillev]

Does anyone compare they’re OCD too a sort of mind Tourette’s? For example you’re OCD voice says something that you don’t want to hear and you’re constantly trying to overrule it. I suffer with this all the while, for example my daughter said something last night and the voice said something absolutely awful that has sent me on another guilt and anxiety trip. I’m not hearing outside voices btw just mine it’s so hard to explain in a logical way why would my internal voice say these awful things that I would never say out loud, for example my wife might ask me a question and my internal voice would say “why don’t I just punch her” it’s just such a crazy illogical illness and I hate it so much, please don’t say I’m the only one.

[malina]

Hi Phil,

Of course you're not the only one! Sadly, what you're describing is common to many of us. Hang in there though, it will get better!

[phillev]

Thanks Malina the underlying question is why do we say/think these thoughts, when  my daughter was laughing last night what I said in my mind was atrocious and almost made me want to vomit I can’t be normal surely and how do I get over the awful guilt feeling? She wasn’t doing anything wrong and for some reason my mind voice said this awful thing which I then said absolutely not too! I’m burned out trying to work it all out.

[malina]

15 minutes ago, phillev said:

Thanks Malina the underlying question is why do we say/think these thoughts, when  my daughter was laughing last night what I said in my mind was atrocious and almost made me want to vomit I can’t be normal surely and how do I get over the awful guilt feeling? She wasn’t doing anything wrong and for some reason my mind voice said this awful thing which I then said absolutely not too! I’m burned out trying to work it all out.

Phil, there is no point in trying to work it out. OCD is an illness, it's not something to do with your character. It is like asking why having a cold makes us sneeze or why do we get a fever? There are medical explanations, sure, but the kind of answer you're looking for, you will never get. The thing you have to do is learn to manage these thoughts and ignore them. Live your life in spite of these thoughts, this is what each of us here must learn to do. 

[phillev]

10 minutes ago, malina said:

Phil, there is no point in trying to work it out. OCD is an illness, it's not something to do with your character. It is like asking why having a cold makes us sneeze or why do we get a fever? There are medical explanations, sure, but the kind of answer you're looking for, you will never get. The thing you have to do is learn to manage these thoughts and ignore them. Live your life in spite of these thoughts, this is what each of us here must learn to do. 

Something in my case that’s easier said than done, it’s like what I said last night in my mind I meant to say but I didn’t want to say a totally illogical anology I know but so true hence why I immediately said NO it’s like I’m battling another me inside and I’m two different people there’s OCD me and the rational side telling it to shut up, I’m not looking for reassurance here but just wanting to know if others see it this way too. 

[malina]

6 minutes ago, phillev said:

Something in my case that’s easier said than done

This is true for everyone, it always seems harder when you're the one experiencing the problem. This isn't easy and learning to manage this disorder really requires a great deal of work. I think you would benefit a lot from CBT. 

[PolarBear]

You have to understsnd that you are having intrusive thoughts. They are unwanted thoughts that pop in your head, often of a terrible nature, that cause distress. They're perfectly nofmal in an OCD world.

You said you try to overrule the thoughts. That's the last thing you want to do. That's a compulsion, will not stop the thoughts, but will make your condition worse.

[Skippy]

Dear Phillev , I experience this a lot , it is much worse when I pay it attention than when I simply let it be without engaging . If I engage I am dragged into endless ruminations on it. Ignore it and I begin to see it as OCD chatter . Hopes and thoughts are with you and all of us that have to live with this disorder 

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You have to understsnd that you are having intrusive thoughts. They are unwanted thoughts that pop in your head, often of a terrible nature, that cause distress. They're perfectly nofmal in an OCD world.

You said you try to overrule the thoughts. That's the last thing you want to do. That's a compulsion, will not stop the thoughts, but will make your condition worse.

I'd take that a step further and say, they're normal thoughts. Everyone, with OCD or without, sometimes has such thoughts. 'It would be easy to push that man off the bridge', a gratuitous, 'I think her hair looks horrible' ... or as the OP cites, 'I could just punch her' or whatever. What is not normal, is the rush of guilt, and anxiety (that comes with OCD). The disorder attributes importance to them, instead of recognizing them for what they are, meaningless noise. 

[phillev]

I really don’t know how I’d cope without this board, thanks for the advice. I had my mental health assessment last week which went okay and am now waiting for a call for counselling. On your point polar bear on not trying to overrule or argue with the thoughts I do struggle with this as if the said thought involves doing something unthinkable to one of my kids it’s my first reaction and not overruling it makes the guilt seem worse, the awful thing about these thoughts is it’s my internal voice saying these things. OCD must carry the most guilt of any mental illness as you’re continually saying things inside you don’t mean and would never do. My first ever intrusive thought was over and over again “my mum is a bitch” I remember telling her and back then OCD was totally misunderstood and she was in tears I’ll never forget it.

[PolarBear]

I know it's hard. Your instinct is to fight it, to push back against it. But the only way to truly fight it is by doing nothing.

See, there's a really dumb part of your brain. It sends out an intrusive thought. Then it notices how much thinking and compulsions you do in response to the thought. The dumb part thinks, wow, look at all the work he's doing because of that thought! He must think that's really important! I'll send him some more thoughts like that.

Okay, that was a little fable, but that is, in essence, how OCD works.