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don't know

I Don't trust my brain

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During my break from uni, I decided it would be the right time to get a job.

I was looking to apply to this one place (among with many others) and today I walked past it for the first time since deciding to do this and just thought 'no, no, no' and felt anxiety. I couldn't even walk in. Every time I walked past I just had this feeling of dread. In my mind I felt calm about it but then actually being there set me off. I'm no longer going to apply for it now because I'm clearly not capable and I shoudn't. I tried to talk to my mum about it and she said it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I know this isn't OCD. I don't think I'm cut out for life to be honest. I just wanted to disappear. I've felt fine applying to jobs before this was the first time I panicked like this and I was actually really hoping this was the job for me. This just happens all the time with everything I decide I want to do. I don't know myself at all. It's pathetic. 

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Once again, you came here, complained about your situation, told us it has nothing to do with OCD, then slammed yourself.

How's that working for you?

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4 hours ago, don't know said:

 

I know this isn't OCD.

Why post on an OCD forum ... repeatedly?

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13 hours ago, don't know said:

I’m no longer going to apply for it now because I'm clearly not capable and I shoudn't...

I've felt fine applying to jobs before this was the first time I panicked like this and I was actually really hoping this was the job for me. This just happens all the time with everything I decide I want to do.

I guess the question is...is it a good idea to allow this sudden thought ‘no,no,no...’ and the anxiety/panic you felt to dictate what you really want to do? Not just in terms of applying for this job, but what you want out of life in general.

Anxiety’s always going to be a part of that to some degree, but you can learn and implement new ways to cope and manage it, and not allow it to have such a severe impact on you.

It isn’t a foregone conclusion this always has to happen, it’s only happening because unfortunately you’re repeatedly using things like avoidance to cope with these horrible feelings and staying stuck, and only you have decided you aren’t capable and shouldn’t apply. No one else has, how about applying for the job in spite of the self-doubt and anxiety? 

Why not set a goal of going up to the place, maybe stand outside with your mum and allow the anxiety to fall, walk away and go for some lunch, go back and do the same again, and if you can...go in?

You might not feel up to doing it that day, that’s okay so long as you go back the next and try again, it’s so important you try to do this DK and start proving to yourself what you’re capable of.

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DK, you need to stop putting yourself down all the time. I bet you have a lot of skills and abilities that many people do not. You're at uni, that is a bigger deal than it may seem to you. I personally think you should apply for that job, you can't let anxiety dictate your life. Keep your head up x

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You seem to genuinely think you are the only person who has experienced anything like this? People get anxious about new jobs, that's normal. I've felt absolutely sick to my stomach more times than I can count. It doesn't mean it's a sign that you shouldn't do it or you're not capable. 

Have you ever read about self compassion? 

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On 18/05/2019 at 07:34, don't know said:

I don't think I'm cut out for life to be honest. I just wanted to disappear. I've felt fine applying to jobs before this was the first time I panicked like this and I was actually really hoping this was the job for me. This just happens all the time with everything I decide I want to do. I don't know myself at all. It's pathetic.

12 years ago I went through a particularly rough time, possibly the worst my OCD has ever impacted my life.  The details aren't important, but there were days where I wasn't sure how I would make it to the next, where all I looked forward to was sleep, because sleep (for me) meant no anxiety, no intrusive thoughts, no suffering.  My work suffered, my social life suffered, I barely went anywhere, barely did anything, and I was terrified not just of the intrusive thoughts themselves, but that this would be all my life was, forever.  It was awful and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.  Slowly, with the support of my parents, friends and doctors I was able to climb out of the hell hole I had fallen in to.  One of the keys to that happening was CBT.  I had done some therapy before, but I had been lucky enough that the medication did most of the work so I hadn't done much.  But now I did much more.  I did the exercises my therapist recommended, I read some books such as Brain Lock and the OCD Workbook, and put the techniques I learned in to practice.  I came to understand how OCD affects my mind and how the intrusive thoughts don't represent my "true self" or any of that.  It took time, it was hard, I was afraid it would all come crashing down, but it worked. I got better.  Now, here I am 12 years later doing things that I never imagined I would be able to do.  I moved to another country for work, I've visited even more, including one (China) where I don't speak a lick of the native language.  Pre-CBT me would never have considered such a thing!  I'd have been too far away from my safety zone.  What if something happened?  What would I do?  Now I know what to do, I know how to handle intrusive thoughts, I know that I can beat them, and I know that life won't always be perfect, I'll have bad days, I'll have times I struggle more than others.  But I don't have to stop my life because of it.

The reason I am telling you this is not to brag,  I'm not better because I am special.  I am better because I did the work, listened to the people who were experienced, and trusted what they were telling me despite the doubts I was feeling.  It was a choice, a hard choice, but an important one.  Anyone can make that choice, you don't have to be a super hero either.  You just have to decide to accept the process and recognize that won't make your doubt or fear simply vanish, that you have to do it in spite of that doubt at fear.  Right now, today, you might be terrified of that place, that job, and think you'll never be able to do it, that nothing will ever change.  I was there, I know what that feels like, and I know it doesn't have to be permanent, there are things you can do to change it.  But you have to make the choice.  We can help you, but you have to choose to trust us.

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I just think if I'm feeling this awful it means something. There's no point really. I just feel really disheartened by everything in life. I've just accepted it at this point. 

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It's difficult though. Like today I woke up and I didn't get any thoughts but I now tell myself that anything that I want in life I'll never get. I've given up on my idea of the future. It means I don't cry over the 'loss' of it anymore. 

I don't get obsessions and I feel weird about it. I looked up one of those websites and I didn't get an inch of anxiety. I felt so strange. Do I want the anxiety? Was it anxiety? It seems to me like I've accepted it. I don't know. I'm also not depressed because I can still laugh and talk to people, so I'm stuck. It doesn't feel bad enough especially if i can go a few days without it. Wouldn't a real sufferer have it 24/7? 

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5 hours ago, don't know said:

I just think if I'm feeling this awful it means something.

Yes, it means you have a disorder called OCD.

You continue to insist there is only one explanation for your problem, ignoring all other possibilities.

A person can have a headache, that doesn't mean they have a brain tumor.
A person can have a pain in their leg, it doesn't mean its broken.
A person can be hungry, it doesn't mean they are starving to death.
A person can forget a word, it doesn't mean they have dementia.
A person can feel sad, it doesn't mean they are clinically depressed.

 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I don't get obsessions and I feel weird about it.

You 100% have obsessions, you have detailed them on this site.  You post about them constantly.  Your thoughts/fears/concerns about incest are obsessions by definition.
 

1 hour ago, don't know said:

I looked up one of those websites and I didn't get an inch of anxiety. I felt so strange.

Obsessions cause distress, ONE type of which is acute anxiety.  Anxiety manifests in more ways than just feeling "very scared" in a particular moment, and distress encompasses more than anxiety.  Just because you don't feel acute anxiety 100% of the time doesn't mean you don't have OCD.  

You continue to make up fake rules about OCD, you need to stop if you want to recover.

1 hour ago, don't know said:

Wouldn't a real sufferer have it 24/7? 

No.  No they would not.  Again, you are applying fake, made up rules to OCD.  

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This place just keeps making me feel sick. I don't know why just the name or going onto apply it's awful. It's worse than any other anxiety. I think that would mean I shouldn't do it.

i was fine with other places. 

Edited by don't know

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