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Struggling to make decisions


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Hi y'all

Wanted to write in because I'm struggling tonight and everything feels like far too much.

Firstly, I'm still struggling with compulsive praying, dealing with the same thought over and over. Secondly, I'm struggling to make decisions; tonight a colleague who's leaving is having her leave drinks but I explained I wouldn't be there due to them meeting right out in town (a twenty-minute walk) and me needing to be up at six tomorrow for an earlier shift than usual, so apologised and made my farewells, which were readily accepted. Now, my brain is just being so cruel, questioning me - 'you should go, you only live once,' 'you will offend her and make her think you don't care' 'you spend many nights inside, you should get out and about more often,' you've no food in the house, you should go to the pub and eat something there.' It's too late for me to go out now anyway as I need to go to bed soon. On top of that, my brain has just been so cruel generally; I had some issues today with a staff-member who essentially laughed at me because I was stressed and couldn't remember something just then - I reported it in at the end of the day because I just felt so insulted. Everyone could tell there was something wrong, because my eyes were so cavern-like and I just felt so wrong in my own skin; like I couldn't be outside. I went into Tesco, loaded up a basket and then left because I couldn't handle the queue. I'm questioning everything, feeling torn in half and just want to curl up but my body feels tense and my brain won't settle. I feel utterly ridiculous. 

Does anyone else struggle with making decisions and second-guessing themselves? I feel like I've made a fool of myself with my indecisiveness and my room's a mess, just as much as my head. It just feels like I can't cope. On top of that, I'm so used to feeling bad; what if I can't get used to feeling good? What if I'm rubbish at helping myself? It just feels like I'm not wholly myself; I'm not altogether 'me' and I hate feeling like that. I want to sleep tonight but I'm worried that, in this state, I won't. I hate it when I'm torn by decision-making. :(

C x

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You are being too self critical with with yourself. I know, I experience it

 And you are are in the grip of compulsions and ruminations as you yourself describe.

You acted in a socially appropriate manner in declining an invitation by making an excuse for not attending a drinks party rather than simply saying no.

You are now self torturing yourself with recriminations. You describe other negative evaluations of yourself such as the state of your room.

You made  a decision not to attend a drinks party in a socially appropriate way. Let in rest. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Edited by Angst
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And cub, I found a way to shift from repetitive intrusive mental chatter caused by OCD by learning, and refocusing, into mindfulness. 

In therapy I learned we do our obsessing, and carrying out of compulsions, in the active "doing" part of the brain. 

In the benign "just being" part of the brain we can operate mindfully, just observing without interacting, just operating in the present in the moment. 

It has changed my life, and those constantly-repeating thoughts have left me alone. 

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Thanks guys

Unfortunately it's just got worse. My mind's completely gone; I woke up at three with my mind stuffed full and have just spent the past three hours thinking I'd be better off dead. I'm dealing with blasphemous thoughts that are making me feel guilty. I'm crying and wondering if I should call in sick as am exhausted and supposed to be doing speeches today. I feel so fat and ugly and like I'm a complete maniac who doesn't want to get better; I feel like I did this to myself. Should I stay home or go in for some distraction? I'm worried if I stay home I'll be alone with my thoughts and make it worse but if I go, I might not be able to do my job properly. 

C

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This is a situation I regularly faced with my OCD and work. It was episodic. 

In an episode I would get up and go into work and put on the family act (we were all amateur singers/actors, with one of us a pro). 

Only those closest to me would know I was suffering with constantly-repeating OCD intrusions, so feeling anxious. 

But I just ignored them even if they played on in the mental background and got on with my job. 

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N. B. Remember not to try and neutralise the intrusions. You know how this form of OCD works don't you, so leave them be and just let them play on if they do. 

You know that the OCD is taking your real core character value and alleging the opposite, and you know it lies. 

Take plenty of comfort and strength from that. 

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Hi Cub.  I just wanted to say that I thoroughly recognise what you are saying. You are describing my own thought processes and I've had so many days dominated with huge anxiety, completely unable to make an ordinary  decision and feeling awful and stupid about it. Whichever decision I imagine making, I can see that consequences might be awful, and on top of that I feel such a failure because other people don't seem to get in that state in a normal day. 


Not solved it yet but I'm working on the idea of accepting that things MIGHT go badly wrong BUT that it was still the right thing to do to make the best decision I could at the time. That seems like it has to be right, and I think it must apply to every decision actually. It's like a combination of giving myself permission in advance to make a decision that might not be the best one, and forgiving myself afterwards for having made it even though I can see that bad things might happen as a result. I'm doing it right now because I'm nervous about posting this, in case it's the wrong advice....


Anyway, I wanted to say I get this.  I have frequently been hiding somewhere in tears at work, through the terror of not being able to make ordinary decisions. I think I am seeing these days that there is another way to go about things and very gradually moving towards it. Sending some hope your way.


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