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Did I act on OCD? Is this OCD or am I just a bad man? Need help figuring this out.


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*Potentially triggering to those with Harm OCD*

Hey there and thank you for reading my post. Anyone with any advice to offer would be much, much appreciated.

A little context - I'm in my 30s and I've been an OCD sufferer since I was in my early teens. I had everything from moral/religious OCD obsessions to POCD. In the beginning, when I was a teenager, I had some harm OCD stuff where I would see violent images of people that I cared about, but for the most part, my OCD has centered on sexual fears and related moral concerns. I've had severe POCD obsessions for a good part of my life and they are lessening now (thank goodness).

I've been married for just under a year and my wife is very understanding of my OCD. I love her. This is the first time I've been married (hopefully the only time I ever will be) and I hadn't been in many relationships before we got married so I'm always trying to figure out how to navigate management of my OCD with her and also just how to manage personality differences between myself and her. I think I'm a good husband. I certainly try to be the best one that I know how to be in big and small ways.

Recently, we've had some worldview/political discussions that have led me to think that there are some fundamental differences between us. I've shared this concern with her and she doesn't seem to mind. The main reason I bring up things like this to her is for transparency. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like she needs to know everything about me so that I'm not hiding things and she can make informed decisions about our relationship. This is likely an OCD concern.

As is the case with any couple, some of our disagreements have led to me getting angry or frustrated. I'm not the type of person to express my anger outwardly. I can't imagine ever being anything remotely approaching verbally abusive to her. I know it's not healthy, but I sometimes just bottle up the feelings.

One night, I found myself feeling really frustrated by a discussion we were having. I was driving at the time and I remember having an awful, awful, dark thought while at an intersection as I about to make a left hand turn. It was, "instead you could pull out in front of this oncoming car as it's approaching and it would hurt both of you". I was feeling frustrated and angry about our conversation. I also don't remember the car being so close to where I couldn't get around it, so I went for it. I pulled out in front of the car and accelerated really quickly so that we would be sure to get around it. She was on her phone, but joked about how fast I was driving. I think I was accelerating so quickly so that we'd get around the car and that we wouldn't be hurt. But why on earth did I pull out in front of it in the first place? I honestly believe that my irrational anger at that point led me to act irrationally.

Later, I broke down and explained what happened to her. I love my wife. Did I honestly do something dangerous that would potentially hurt her? Or was I overreacting. She did say that the speed I was driving was "out of character" for me, but was I just speeding up to get us to safety after I'd made a reckless driving decision.

I've been replaying this moment over and over and over again in my head since it happened months ago, trying to figure out if I'd really been driving that recklessly or if I was overreacting. For instance, was the other car so close that I would have deemed it ok to pull out even if I hadn't been angry? I don't know. I'll never know, but I've been replaying it over and over again trying to figure it out.

Fast forward to the present time. I've broken down and apologized over this stupid moment to her multiple times. Her advice is to just forgive myself and move on. She loves me. I love her. I just

I don’t think I necessarily have an anger problem, though I do find myself getting frustrated when we have differences of opinion. I think probably everyone does? Sometimes, I’ll have a fleeting thought about whether or not we’re compatible and I wonder if it’s ROCD.

Recently, I found myself in another situation where I felt frustrated at her in a time of disagreement. And maybe this Harm OCD kicking in, but I’ve found myself having these terrible, violent thoughts in my head about her. Let me repeat, I would never, under any circumstances lay a finger on my wife, so this has me not only guilt stricken, but afraid. I try to the best husband I can to her and I don’t want to be with anyone else. We have a great relationship, but I find myself so often filled with doubt and fear of the future.

I would love the perspective of anyone who has ever gone through something similar, or just an outsider’s perspective.

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I had to chuckle when you said you feel your wife needs to know everything about you and you've been married only a year. We just had our 31st anniversary and I'm still learning about my wife. You don't puke everything out right away and then live happily forever. You learn over time.

You need to explore why you get upset when you don't agree. That's normal for a whole lot of people but it doesn't make it right. We are all individuals and our worldviews have been impacted independently. We are all going to have differing opinions. If you can't figure out where your anger and frustration come from, ask a therapist to help you out.

As for dark thoughts, that's the name of the game with OCD. You could have chosen to shrug off the incident, but instead you analyzed it and ruminated over it. There's your compulsion. Leave it alone. Stop looking for an answer you'll never find.

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By the way, you never have to post a trigger warning. We don't do that. Almost anything could be a trigger for someone. We'd have to warn people in every post. 

And how do people know your warning applies to them, unless they read it anyway?

Edited by PolarBear
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I think everything you describe is normal for any relationship. Heated discussions and differences in opinion are normal. My partner and I have some very fiery discussions over completely stupid things.  It's normal. Where the ocd comes in is in the fact that you are ruminating on it, you are demanding perfection from yourself, your wife and your relationship and it just ain't gonna happen. There will be little things wrong with it, you will both do each other little wrongs and they will mount over time - the key is to let them go and not nurse them to life by going over them. 

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